Picture me: I swirl like the wind
tempting tomorrow to be today,
tiptoeing the fine line
between everything and everything else.
tempting tomorrow to be today,
tiptoeing the fine line
between everything and everything else.
The past few weeks have been a complete fucking mess with a lot of great shit and a lot of really, really unfortunate shit. Actually, the word "unfortunate" isn't accurate because so much of it has been my own fault.
I won't elaborate because, to be completely honest, I don't have the energy. I'm fasting for at least the next week. I want to get to know my body better and try to understand my dependency on food. I over-eat too often and rarely even realize I'm doing it. I've gained weight since last semester and I look really awkward. A few people that have known me since fall have said that they can't tell, but that's most likely because I dress in a way that doesn't show off the areas I hate. If I dress all stereotypical-teen-girl-in-southern-California, I'd have short skirts, short shorts, etc. and some tight tank top all of the time, and they most certainly would be able to tell I've gained weight then. I'm almost 5'7", 138ish lbs. I'm on the heavier side of "normal." It's not like I want to be 115 lbs. again, I just want to fit all my clothes the way I did previously. I have no desire to be a size 4 again. I remember in 11th grade when I lost 25ish lbs.:
In a matter of month or two, I went from this:
150ish - August 2006.
I was probably 150 here - spring 2006.
(Yes, I had disgusting hair.)
145-150 - February 2006, I think.
To this:
I think I was 120/118 in this one - October 2006.
I was about 125 here - November 2006.
125ish - October 2006.
Primarily because I didn't feel like eating anymore. It wasn't an anorexia-noneating-type thing, it was a literal feeling of sickness when I ate too much or, sometimes, anything at all. I mean, I still ate, I just...exercised a shit load alone. Anyways, I'm trying to lose weight again for reasons I stated in a previous entry. Currently, my figure looks like this:
Also, just in the event that someone's an idiot (or just misunderstanding my motives): this is not a ploy for attention. This isn't some sort of pseudo-cry for help where I just want someone to rescue me from my oh-so-negative self image. I actually generally like how I look, I just want to be considerably healthier, know my body better, and not feel so fucking exhausted all of the time. This would be a good thing.
Oh, and I got my nostrils re-pierced:
No man is an island,
but I often feel alone
so I find peace through OHM.
but I often feel alone
so I find peace through OHM.
I feel so weird about my weight lately. For a little while I was at 130 (I'm 5'9") which was the lowest I've been since grade 11, and it felt weird. I wasn't eating well and I was just losing weight because of how stressed I was. Now I'm still that weight, but I feel like I weigh more. I've got more tummy than I've ever had, and I just don't feel good. As soon as I can, I'm going to start biking and swimming again, because I loved the way I felt when I did those things.
ReplyDeleteI find that I only require a minimal amount of exercise to see massive weight loss (5-15 pounds, depending on the amount of activity), and when I add a healthy eating style, I end up feeling amazing. To be honest, I like being a little bit on the curvy side, because I feel sexier and prettier, but I am just going to try to get healthy, really. Good luck, and tell me how that cleanse thing goes, because I think I'd like to try it.