Addiction.

I turn 20 on Thursday! I am mega-excited (not really for the twenty-year-old aspect, though that is nice) but more because I think that'll be a really fun night. :)

Some years ago, I would've asked for/bought clothes, etc. as birthdays gifts. But this year, since I started stretching my ears about a year ago now and am a mere-- well, I say "mere" though it'll take at least four more months...-- 3mm until I reach my goal size of 5/8" (I started at 4ga, I didn't just go insanely fast from 18ga to 1/2" which I'm at now). So, my mom is a super wonderful nice person and gave me a bit of money as a birthday present and told me to get myself some beautiful ones. I also have been working on sets (and have two more lined up for the next three weeks, mreow), so I made some money last weekend and decided to buy myself a few birthday presents. I got some WONDERFUL plugs and rings:

None of these photos are my own; they're from each different person who's selling them to me. :)
Frozen Fire @ Etsy's limited edition Pixy Stix dichro
I have been positively DROOLING about these for days and days, oh my god.

Lavender opal dichro
These are GORGEOUS and I'm already in love with them though I won't be able to wear them for quite a while. But they're SF and glass so as soon as I get to 5/8", I'll be able to wear them. Ughhhh, so excited.

Ebony Shields - obnoxiously large but GORGEOUS and amazing.

Simple white Kaos earskins with a 1/4" wearable
I got these not only because I'm sure I'll want to wear earskins when I get to 5/8", but also so I can wear my final item...
1/2" dark raintree wood rings!
I've wanted a pair of huge, obnoxiously large wooden rings for so long. I finally decided to get them and in 1/2" so that way I can wear them immediately. And someday, I'll wear them through earskins!




My ears are at 1/2" :) But I am so excited to really be acquiring the collection I want now for once I get to 5/8". So far, total, I believe I have/will have shortly:

• Three sets of wood plugs (solid bloodwood, wood with Ohm inlay, wooden plugs with heart cutouts in the middle)
  
• Three pairs of Kaos (white earskins, mismatched earskins, baby blue eyelets)
• Two pairs of sf glass colorfronts (amber and sky blue)
  
• Two pairs of dichro (the ones up there-- pixy stix dichro + lavender opal dichro)
• Sf steel eyelets and DF steel eyelets with lightning bolts
  
• Ebony shields
• Five pairs of acrylic glitter plugs for funsies
• Two pairs of opalite (tunnels and solids)
• Two pairs of stone (orange adventurine I thiiiink and rose quartz)
• Various other jewelry in various other sizes

BeezyTalk weeks 4 & 5 and birfday and drifting

I turn twenty in ten days (the 29th), so we're having a large-ish party at the Saloon (because they're fantastic and gracious, thank goodness) that will be a celebration of Halloween, my birthday, and Zak's birthday. I'm super goddamned excited. Heidi and I are hosting it, Dillon will hopefully be DJing, and there will be a special surprise put on by Zak, Jamie + some folks as well as another little surprise from Heidi and I. :)

Anyways, BeezyTalk on October 15th's (week 5) tracklist:

1. Mika - We Are Golden (Bob Sinclair Club Mix)
2. Bonde do Role - Gasolina (Crookers remix)
3. Beach Boys - California Girls
4. Against Me! - Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious
5. Odd Nosdam - Ligaya
6. Ratatat - Mirando
7. Trolley Snatcha - The Future
8. Cat Stevens - The Wind
9. Rusko - HipHop
10. Metric - Live It Out
11. Water Bears - Take Me Home (Dorothy)
    
12. Lykke Li - Dance Dance Dance (remix by...somebody)
13. Ron Carroll - Walking Down the Street (Bart B More remix)
14. cLOUDDEAD - Dead Dogs Two
15. Alter Ego - Fuckingham Palace (Modeselektor remix)
16. The Arcade Fire - Wake Up
17. Daft Punk - Touch It/Technologic (live)
    

And BeezyTalk on October 9th (week 4):

1. Kid Cudi + Crookers + Rusko - Day 'N Nite (kehkeh)
   
2. Boston - More Than A Feeling
3. Billie Holiday - Autumn in New York
4. A-Ha - Take On Me
5. AC Slater - Hello
6. Rusko - William H. Tonkers
7. Metric - The Twist
8. WHY? (covering The Cure) - Close to Me
9. MSTRKRFT - Heartbreaker (Laidback Luke remix)
10. 16bit - Put Ya Dirt Inside
11. Frank Sinatra - Dancing Cheek to Cheek
12. Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
13. The Widdler - Lady Dub
14. Dntel - Breakfast In Bed
15. Water Bears - Susan
16. Grandaddy - Skateboarding Saves Me Twice
17. Crookers - Thunderstruck (AC/DC remix)

I had a weird/good week. Last week sort of bummed me out, but the weekend was pretty decent. I was on set Saturday and Sunday for a grad cycle, and that was fun. Lots of really nice people. The stunt fellow was damn awesome, extremely helpful, and is hopefully going to assist me in getting some work that'll pay more than I'm getting now, which would be amazing. He was such a nice person, it's ridiculous(ly awesome). The set was in the middle of Silverado near Black Star where part of Cam's film took place. On Saturday night, I got off set early-ish, got some rose wine, and went to the Saloon party that night. Heidi and I got somewhat plastered (her more than I; vice versa from two weeks ago) and came home really exhausted and somewhat sad. We ended up sleeping in her room until she got up for set at 6am (we got back around 3am), then I moved to my room, slept til noonish, and went to set around 2:30pm. Today, classes were sort of shitty but I think that had to do more with me than them. Heidi and I sat at Chapman Coffee for a while after our Physics class, then Adam and I went and got frozen yogurt. Eric is coming in a bit, I believe. This weekend, I'm on set on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday but they'll be paying me so that's a thumbs up.

I think I'm going to nap now. I'm listening to "Ligaya" remixed by Odd Nosdam and it's making me so tired. Elipses, drift.

Speech bubbles.

It is raining, finally.

Sometimes I forget that there are things I do that most people need to be high or tripping balls to be interested in doing. I don't know why I do them, but I do. I can stare at the rainwater drip off of the head of a lamppost for twenty minutes and not get bored. I watch each water droplet dive into the street below like stories jumping out of a head and into the audience's hand. This is beautiful to me. I count everything that happens to me. I think everything has feelings and I pay attention to this closely. I associate some things with other things so heavily, I will literally see and feel the impact of that association when I word is said. For example, March is so closely associated with the color blue in my head that as soon as somebody says it, I suddenly see blue for a second. When I remember things that embarrass me or embarrassed me at the time, I will instantly go back in time to that moment and not see anything of the present day until the memory's over or I remember where I really am, and I subconsciously make ashamed faces and recoil until it's done. I don't hear sounds, I listen to them, and every time I do, I try and hear every part of it. Each sunset I see, I imprint it into my head. Sometimes, when I'm alone in the woods, I think I can hear things breathe around me.

Thank goodness nobody reads this, because I'm sure I sound like a loon.

In continuation, I am tired of people telling me it's terrible that I can't get high. It's not terrible. In fact, I'm fine with it because I love the world the way it is. I'm insulted when somebody tells me "You just need to do it to really know," but fuck, maybe you just were bored with the world. Maybe I'm just not bored. Maybe I don't take my reality for granted. I don't need to see anything; I see things from so many perspectives day-to-day as it is. Oh, so you saw colors swirling around you? I already see that. Listening to such-and-so band on acid changed your life? Music already does that, fuck needing anything else to help it. I'm not condemning drugs in any way, by the way, only condemning the belief that people need to experience them to fully live life. Sometimes, I'm so full that I know I will burst soon, and I want to be there to experience it, nowhere else. Not even the inside of my own head.

You are home.

I started this earlier, now it's later.

We all do what we need to to keep going every day, right? Heidi had a bad morning and we met at the coffee shop and talked about everything that's been right and everything that's been wrong. How the glass might be almost full but, fuck, it's still just water and it's still lukewarm and it tastes like shit. I think of everyone as a ditch. Some people are shallow ones and this is not a bad thing; in fact, it makes them easier to "fill," so to speak, and bring themselves happiness and feel complete. Then there are others that aren't, the ones that cannot be filled quickly and easily and simply. That dig themselves even deeper so there's so much space it's impossible and, even when nearly filled, ache for more.

I had a Sprite, I got her a coffee, we got teary and watched people almost have accidents at the intersection for an hour.

Tonight, tomorrow.

It's 5:22 in the morning the same way it was yesterday and I cannot sleep the same way I couldn't yesterday. I'm going to be a zombie again tomorrow (today) because I still have to finish a goddamned outline for my Creative Writing class. Oh, and fuck, I have to write/print my Composing Self paper. Goddamnit.

all theories
like cliches
shot to hell,
all these small faces
looking up
beautiful and believing;
I wish to weep
but sorrow is
stupid.
I wish to believe
but belief is a
graveyard.
we have narrowed it down to
the butcher knife and the
mockingbird.
wish us
luck.
"Untitled" - Bukowski

No idea why I feel so attached to that poem. I do, though, and I cannot stop reading it. For the past few years, every single time I read it, I get chills or revelations.

I don't understand the desire for autographed things, as a side note. We all end up breathing the same air; what's the difference? What's the point? [/mini-rant]

Creases

From birth, we learn that it is nice to be held. Humans are meant to be held, in my opinion. So therefore, more importantly than being held, it is our duty to hold. Not constrain or squeeze-to-tightly or capture, but to embrace. Mutually, lovingly, happily. Supporting, calming. I probably believe all of this because I, myself, love to hold whether it's my best friend, my mother, or my dog Cinnamon. I do not comprehend a world without hands cupping or interlaced, bodies intertwined and interlocked. Of course, I know this is not applicable to everyone, but damnit,

I remember in the third grade, our teacher Miss Mann was going over the concept of probability. For an example of "impossible," she stated something along the lines of flying. I questioned this in my head; why couldn't we fly? She went on to state an example of something that was "possible," and I had no qualms with that one. She then continued onwards to use the sun rising as an example of something being "certain." I distinctly remember being discontent with this. I did not believe that the sun rising should be taken as a certainty. I recall being very confused and a bit upset over the idea that people believe tomorrow is a given. In general, I was dissatisfied with anything being considered "definite," whether it was regarded as "impossible" or "certain." Possibility is the only thing I can believe in, in regards to probability.

I've listened to "Breakfast In Bed" by Dntel (with Conor Oberst singing) about 30 times now. The weird, rewinding background is the only thing that makes sense to hear. Isn't it scary how, sometimes, songs are so applicable and they just walk into your life at the right moment? I hadn't heard this one in more than a year, I believe, but Zak put it on about a week ago and it sang the four of us us (Heidi, me, Kristi, and him) to sleep. Rewind, start, stop again, go back, play it over.

This week's been marvelously busy. On Wednesday, Heidi and I went with Cam, Bryan, and Bobby to "Passing On"'s screening along with four other films at the Director's Guild Theater. It was amazing and super fun. I love dressing up, so that was an automatic fun time, but the group of people that worked on that movie and the night, in general = all so fun. Later that evening, we went to the nicest restaurant I've been to practically ever, some sushi place called Satsuya in LA, and Bryan ordered our table about 10 trays of sushi. Insane/incredible. After that, we all ventured to Low End Theory, met up with Eric and some folks, and got to see the last hour or so of it. I stayed in LA that night and rode the train up the next day; unfortunately, the women sitting next to me on the train were fucking absurdly obnoxious and bitched the whole way. I must remember headphones next time.

Also, my hair's now blue again. I feel better.

You can give birth to an excuse so easily, you'd believe it's always been there.

Everything about me is getting bigger and it's not my imagination. Hya hya, Sha-Clack-Clack, get me the fuck off this track.

I spoke Arabic in a dream last night and had at least two things in mind to say (to my dream-peers) in Farsi. Ridiculous(ly awesome).

It seems like a good half the people I know are on the decline, including myself. I wonder if it is the weather. Here, right now, it is 67 degrees Fahrenheit and the skies are clear. You will see the moon if you look. I doubt you will look minus a glance. The sky is more beautiful than we deserve. We either deserve more or less than we give ourselves credit for; I wonder if anyone ever gives themselves exactly what they need, deserve.

I feel like my back is up against a wall
and I got a mack truck two inches from my face
every cell in my body is screaming "RUN."
"Run free" my mind tells me,
but those two words cannot occupy the same space in reality.

I feel disgusting wearing the amount of makeup I do. I never used to feel this way. It's a means to an end, I suppose. I get disgusted when I see people take hours to get ready. I used to do that. I get disgusted at myself for not caring anymore. I only don't care sometimes, though. This is deeply frustrating as I feel like a hypocrite almost all of the time. I wish I was more of an asshole so this was mentally justifiable.

About two weeks ago, David asked me if my undereyes really "looked like that" or something along those lines. He was wondering if I was wearing makeup underneath them; that is how dark they are without concealer. I look so sickly and exhausted that I appear to be enhancing it. Fantasmic.

So many people seem to be downward spiraling. Looking back on "the best times" of their lives. Bullshit. Make that the future. Stop looking back so hard and still pretend to be stoic. The sunset's the wrong direction and you're always awake for it, though we all must admit: it's pretty damn incredible. But you are not your past, your future is not only made up of the "good times" you've had, stop focusing on the past. Be grateful but go on. Do your best work. Get closer to your old friends. Make new ones, too. Stop thinking about what you used to look like. Asterisk. Stop writing your autobiography before you're dead and live it first. This is not me trying to sound poetic or lecture anybody. I'm just rambling, as always. Goodnight.

Delam barat kheyli tang shodeh.

BeezyTalk Week 3

This is what happens when BeezyTalk goes on the air. Up, up.

BeezyTalk this week started awkwardly with 10 listeners and a few mic fuck-ups. However, by the middle, we'd doubled into 20 listeners (not much, I'm aware, but this is surprisingly high for Chapman Radio). :D Stoked. Track list:

1. MSTRKRFT ft. N.O.R.E. & Isis - "Bounce"
2. Paul Van Dyk ft. Ashley Tomberlin - "New York City"
3. Subtle - "I Heart L.A."
4. Louis Armstrong - "I Can't Give You Anything But Love"
5. Teddybears ft. Neneh Cherry - "Yours To Keep"*
6. Rusko - "Jahova"
7. Water Bears - "I See The Devil Fall Like Lightning"
8. The Platters - "Put Your Head On My Shoulder"
9. Cut Copy - "Midnight Runner"
10. Ratatat - "Brulee"
11. Peter Gabriel - "Book of Love"*
12. Metric - "Sick Muse"
13. Crookers - "Knobbers"
14. La Roux - "In For The Kill" (Skream remix)
15. Duck Sauce - "Anyway"
16. WHY? - "Gemini (Birthday Song)"*
17. Cake - "End of the Movie"
18. Queen - "Don't Stop Me Now"

Haha, any song with an asterisk = one that makes me baw every time I hear it. Pfft. Either way, though, I love those songs. And the rest of them. But especially "Gemini (Birthday Song)" for every nostalgic reason in the book.

Night.

Sick.

God bless you, Roman Polanski, for bringing out the true nature of your cinema peers. If I ever need to see who has an ounce of morality and conscience in their bodies in Hollywood, I need only look at their positions on this case. If they forgave you, I know they have completely lost any sense of value in human life.

Defenders of Polanski's acquittal for the rape of a 13-year-old girl

Ah, I get it:

• Giving a "great contribution to the world of cinema" makes it alright to commit the rape of a child.
• Simply being forced to avoid making movies in Hollywood means he's "atoned" for his actions.
• Only commiting ONE rape means that it's alright because he's "functioned in the world without any further problems of that nature after that."
  

Wait...really?
Just because someone is a fascinating person with a larger-than-life resume who has avoided a failed legal system does not mean he can erase the past.

Seriously, a time comes when you have to comprehend that a person, regardless of his or her achievements, is still a person. Our culture adores watching pedophiles and rapists go away (just check out the ratings of Law & Order: SVU), yet only if they are the creepy fellow down the block or somebody not from our town. Heaven fucking forbid that it is a celebrity who has achieved powerful things through art. I love his films, I will not deny that. But I refuse to look past the fact that he drugged and orally, anally, and vaginally penetrated another human being (and a 13-year-old one, at that). And even fucking Whoopi damn Goldberg thinks that it's not "rape-rape" so it's a-okay! Ah, you made great movies, feel free to pillage as you please? Since when did art trump the importance of human life?

A decision to acquit would be a message through a megaphone to all monetarily and fame-wise successful celebrities of the world: IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE, YOU ARE FORGIVEN PROVIDED YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL. This, as we all know, is injustice. I don't care if somebody finds fucking Eden on Earth; it wouldn't make me believe they are worthy of forgiveness if they raped somebody in the process. So fuck you, Hollywood. You are more cruel and disgusting than ever before.

Well, fuck. Rapists and pedophiles of the world, get your cameras ready, make a movie, and all will be forgiven!