Autophobia.

I need to start drinking again. As tacky and teenage-angsty as that sounds, it's true. The only reason I abstain for the most part here is because (1)I'm dieting (2)lack of funds (3)I'm 20 and not currently staying with anyone who'd be willing to buy me alcohol--generally, mothers aren't too down with that.

But when I get back to Orange in a few days, I plan on getting 5 or 6 sexily satisfying bottles of booze, sitting in our freshly painted apartment, and finally being able to sip, smoke, and eventually sleep again. I can't sleep here. I'm always so anxious and, to be honest, certain places remind me too much of certain persons. Or person. And it makes me crazy.

Maybe I'm not happy because I know I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I'm not happy because I made somebody else so sad for so long. Maybe do I deserve to be alone. I'm good at starting relationships, but terrible (really) at maintaining them. I'm fantastic at making people feel special and stoked and lovely when things are beginning, but then I always self-sabotage and end up just making it...hard. For them, for me.

I don't do the normal, calm, "I'll call you baby and we'll almost never fight and we'll only be half-involved in each other's lives" relationship. I just don't. I don't know how to and, to be honest, I've been terribly disappointed and bored whenever I've tried. I get restless and my eyes wander because I am a moth who is so drawn to attention and "love" that I will lead myself astray anywhere simply for that happy light feeling. Well, not anywhere. But that's why I need constant affection, which is simply too much for almost anybody to deal with. The only person able to sustain that level of focus...well, I ruined things there. Why? Because I was scared. I always get scared and I run away and do something drastic. Drastic and dumb. I've heard he's said, since we broke up last year, that he "based his life around me" and so when our relationship ended, he felt like he was ruined. I was ruined, too, but it took me longer to realize it. To him, I was the most wonderful, beautiful person in the world and I could be myself (all of me) in front of him; nobody will ever think that highly of me ever again. This terrifies me.

Eric once said I was like a used car. Which was harsh but I guess he's right; I'm unreliable, unappealing because I'm not new to anybody, and I don't really offer than unique "woohoo" to anybody but those who don't have any other choice.

(This self-hating post has been brought to you by a lack of sleep for weeks, too much working out, and a diet consisting of 500 calories a day...i.e., I'm exhausted and feel horrible about myself.)

But if you wanna leave, take good care.

Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to my grandfather in Jersey who's extremely sick, and it sucked because I'm leaving for CA and won't be back until Christmas, and I don't know if today is the last time I'll see him. It just...blows my mind. And blows. I know it's my own fault for choosing to go to school as far away as possible (yet still be in the continental United States), for which I had my reasons, but one of the biggest downsides to that is, in the event of a family or other emergency, I can't just drive 2 hours or 6 hours or 10 hours home. I would have to pay $450 dollars to fly home, which would take at least a day of travel and lots of arrangements. It sucks and I feel so helpless.

After we drove 5.5 hours home to Syracuse, I decided to make myself feel better and went shopping with Manda--yeah yeah, retail therapy = lame but I really didn't feel like working out and I really needed new shorts. And rings...

My haul:

• 
  Beige shorts
• 
  Gray high-waisted skirt
• 
  2-finger key ring, 5 colorful rings a pig connector ring (seriously cute)
  
• 
  Braided belt
• 
  This gorgeous "antique brooch curtain tie" (Gina you should totally get one!) for $5 that goes perfectly with the room scheme I'll be doing (Tiffany Blue + chocolate)
• 
  Long tank tops in black and in tan (each were $2.90, awesome!)
  
• 
  Lace back long-sleeved shirt - perfect for me! :)
  
• 
  Floral bandeau top ($2.80) which will most likely look absurd on my larger-than-this-bitch b00bz
  
• 
  Blue sweater
• 
  Red bodysuit ($3.50...ridiculous)
  
• Silver falsies (79 cents, also ridiculous)
  
• 75% off Victoria's Secret running hoodie (it was originally $40, woohoo!)

And just about all of it was on sale. I love this shit. I sort of wish I had the desire to be a stylist so I could just shop and shop and shop...

Dandy.

10 Day Challenge Progress
Day 1 - 70 points (only 35 minutes of exercise)
Day 2 - 80 points
Day 3 - 70 points (not enough sleep)

I weigh 125 now. I feel like almost nobody has noticed that I've lost 10 lbs. (though, I don't go out quite as much when in NY) and for some reason, this upsets me. I think it upsets me partially because I can't tell I've lost weight even though I've put in so, so much effort into doing so. My upper thighs still feel too large, my back feels too soft, my arms are wobbly...yadda yadda. I don't feel right about it yet. I feel like 8-10 more and I'll be a-okay.

I just got back from the dentist. They used a TON of Nitrous Oxide and other stuff; the dentist is my next-door neighbor and always helps me feel totally non-anxious, which is really nice of him. While I was all sorts of out of it, I started realizing things I already knew but...more now. They're very obvious things, but for some reason, I just got thinking about them more than usual.

I tend to try to fix problems by fixing other, unrelated problems; it's a longtime habit and it's not a good one, but I can't help it, my logic is all cross-wired. But I realized that no matter what size I am, it won't negate the more vile things I've done. That even if I grow out my hair all long and lovely, even if I somehow obtain great skin and my teeth magically get perfect, my parents will still not really approve of me. No matter how thin or pretty or productive I ever, ever try to be (and don't worry about my ego; I promise, I don't think I am really any of those things besides maybe productive), I can't make things change.

I'm tired of trying. More tired than ever. And I'm always tired; just ask anyone who's ever been with me. I always say, "Mohammad, what are the two things that I always, always am?" and he never fails to respond with, "You're always tired and you're always right."

This is your two-minute warning.

Last night, I went to Alex's and he, Mohammad, and I went skinny dipping in the Tully Lake. I somehow hadn't gone skinny dipping yet this summer (though I'm sure there'll be plenty on the NorCal trip in a few weeks...), and it was really lovely. I saw a shooting star, I swam in water where I can't see the bottom--which, I'll have you know, terrifies me.

Of course, I drank quite a bit of Bailey's before hand and they had lots of whiskey, so we were at least liqueured up and stoked, but it was overall really nice. We meant to wake up at like 8 am and leave, but we slept until probably 11, and then Mohammad and I got lost on the way back from Tully, but it's okay, because it was a gorgeous day. I love driving around that area; it's perfect. I dropped him off around noon, then James & I went back that way to the res, got cigarettes, ate dinner at his mom's apartment, and drove around for a while. I ended up grocery shopping later and now I'm just exhausted.

I'm on a 10-day fast right now where I eat less than 500 calories a day.

It sounds really stupid and unhealthy, but I'm not even doing to just to lose weight. It's more because I'm sick of being obsessed with eating and food, and always needing dessert and...I don't know, I just want to finally end my addiction and dependency on it. I've lost 8.5 lbs so far this summer (I started actively trying to lose weight at the very end of May). I'm 126.5 right now, I'd love to be 122 by the middle of August. But that's irrelevant; what's more important is that I'd love to just not constantly desire food and feel like eating when I'm happy/sad/anxious/bored.

Anyways,

There are some people whom I wish I had met when they were younger and more malleable. The older every gets, the more stubborn and unable to change. They never go gently into change; they are tentatively welcoming to everyone. When we're younger, when we're children, we're never like this. When we come to a new place, we need everyone we can get, uncautiously diving into whomever is around us. Flailing around, trying to grab some hands and defeat the loneliness that comes with change.

I don't know if law is what I really want to do, but I sort of don't feel like I have much of a choice considering I know how I want my life to end up somewhat and that involves having a decent amount of money. Yeah yeah, criticize my dollar-hugging attitude, but I would rather do a career I am 70% desiring of than that pays for my kids to go to college (without huge loans) and live in a beautiful place and travel with me than do a career I'm 95% in love with that makes it near-impossible for me to ever feel financially secure. I love memorization and I love arguing ("debating"). If there's anything I'm good at, it's finding a way to understand people's actions and words, and if necessary, use them to my advantage. People are silly, they say stupid things, they leave huge holes open in their words and behaviors. And if somebody's guilty, I always find out (always); if I can make a career out of that, then all the more happiness.

Also.

Orange County: Where people are like infomercials!

I need to move up to the Bay. I don't particularly enjoy Orange County (and hell knows how I feel about Los Angeles). I've always been so nomadic, and simultaneously ashamed and proud of that quality. It's not the place where I'll accomplish the things I want to. I haven't met the sort of people I need to meet. Or, rather, I've met a few, but very few and far between. There are a few people whom are really fantastic and I actually have spoken with this summer and have future plans with, but for the most part, I'm just not happy there. Maybe I'm just bummed right now. I think my new living situation will be really nice and I am really stoked for that, and having a car (cross your fingers for me, haha) will hopefully help a lot, as well...plus, Chapman is ridiculously expensive/ridiculously frustrating.

My love life is a mess; though, of course, it's always been "complicated." Now it's just in moderate shambles...although it seems to be almost rebuilding itself these days. I've got my index overlapping my "fuck off" finger, hoping for that one.

Q: What's the difference between New York and LA?

A: In NY, people stab you from the front.

I'm just as ridiculous as plenty of southern California types, of course. I'm neurotic and brash, obsessive and frustrating, aggressive and needy. But I am also extremely honest and unable to censor myself when speaking with friends--something I probably should learn to control, but at least I don't lie. I am so frequently the person who says what her companion is whispering behind hands; I can't help it. Which is probably why I come off as a giant cunt sometimes, but nevertheless, I feel better that the people I dislike most likely know and I don't have to make the :D face even though I find them to be entitled spoiled brats or trashy selfish assholes, yadda yadda. I should probably learn to STFU, though, because if I'm saying things aloud that other people choose not to say towards the target's face, then chances are, I am the one who will appear to be a bitch. Ah, honesty...it is so frustratingly consequential. So while I'm similar to many socal type folks (and, before you say "people are like that everywhere," I'm referring more to the sheer frequency that people suck in dishonest ways in socal), I don't belong there. I belong somewhere quieter.

Over a year ago, I wrote this entry. It had goals of things I thought I'd do in the next year (so, by now). I've bolded the ones that happened + added notes in red.

Goals for the next year or so:

1. Stop being so co-dependent on other people. Did the opposite.
2. Write as much as possible. Hopefully, work up confidence to submit things.
   
3. Stop accommodating everyone around me regardless of how it makes me feel. Opposite!
4. See WHY? live.
   
5. Successfully move into Sad/Glad House
6. Start dreads once my hair is about two inches longer than it is now.
7. Lose approximately 10 to 15 pounds. No, but I have lost 7 so hopefully I'm on my way to finally doing this shit.
8. Get a damn job or at least work on enough sets that I can pay for shit with the money from them. Although I don't exactly get much from those sets...
9. Get a Filbert. If you don't know what that is, please see this article and this picture.
10. Have a fairly large collection of 1/2" plugs (and etc. such stuff). I actually ended up getting a medium-large collection of 5/8" because I switched my goal size!
11. Work on confidence issues, anxiety, etc.
12. Start side pieces, hopefully be done with at least the outlines. Got both a scarification piece and a side piece with text...so, sort of accomplished?

I'm trying to calm down. Why am I so chronically needy? I miss being needed; I miss taking care of someone. Maybe I just need a bunny rabbit...

Cars + Order

So, I hopefully will be able to take out a small loan and finally get a car. I desperately need one in order to have everything be possible/easier: work, school, film sets, relying on myself, volunteering, camping, travel...all of it. Getting away. I hate having to rely on other people, even though they're always so sweet about it. I feel helpless and needy; I love my friends and I'd rather be able to offer them rides than have to get them to pick me up to hang out or come to me. It makes me feel so guilty.

Indeed, I will hopefully be acquiring a small, (preferably) gas-efficient car to name and love and put flowers on the dashboard in.

Things I will do as soon as I get a car:

1. Start volunteering in Orange.
2. Go on a date with myself at a lovely restaurant. Get any food I want and perhaps even buy myself flowers.
3. Go to Silverado canyon with somebody and have a picnic.
4. Apply for like 50 jobs in Orange County.
5. Start going to the fucking beach finally.

Also, I was just made aware that Law & Order: Los Angeles is going to happen. Wut? Here is, essentially, what will happen:

A bunch of supposedly famous people (special guest stars = typically still only moderately successful) who frequently take off their sunglasses in disbelief who end up making shameful yet entertaining crimes. A witty detective (who wears brighter colors than the NY ones because the west coast is ~*just crazy!*~ like that) and his tough as nails yet beautiful female partner--who rarely has functional relationships with men--will have to solve these crimes while being held up every step of the way by absurdly attractive women and their graying, unattractive agents/fathers/husbands. There will be shitty yet energetic music. There will be boring plots with twists so bad that M. Night Shamylan wouldn't give a green light to. Lady Gaga will probably cameo.

This is what they mean when they say "Too little too late."

I am a novelty. Or, at the least and out of necessity, a nomad.

I'm trying so hard to be healthy. I hate the fact that I yo-yo diet and go from eating 500 calories a day to 2000 occasionally, back and forth over and over. It's not good for me but it's a habit I've had for years. Since the beginning of the summer, I've gradually been able to settle on approximately 900 to 1200 calories a day (now leaning more to 1200 each day, so woohoo). I'm not 127.5 lbs. so that's swell, and I've run 11 miles in the past two days (+ I'm about to go running again in a moment).

James mentioned that he thinks he might have BDD (info), which causes a person to think they look quite differently than the do. He, for example, is 5'10" and 149 lbs., quite thin, but sees himself larger than he is. Sometimes, I'm confused whether or not I do as well because once in a while, I'll think I'm on the thinner side (like, once every few weeks) while most days, I feel like I'm quite huge. When I look in a mirror, I see wide arms, awkward breasts, an undefined jawline, bushy hair, bad teeth, love handles, and terribly large upper thighs. I just want to not see that anymore, and the only way I won't see that any longer is if I lose a bit of weight. Goddamnit, I totally didn't want to turn this into a weight rant. But here I am, ranting. Surprise.

Something I've always found funny is that when people try to insult me, they always think they're telling me something I don't know. I am self-absorbed, I am somewhat attention-starved, I am a bit on the chubbier side. I am totally willing to admit all of these things. Nobody recently has said them, but I recently saw somebody who had said all those things way back in high school-era and I sort of just giggled, because unless somebody's going to send me on some revelation, I'll probably never go particularly wild realizing something new. Lo siento; it's almost impossible to insult somebody who can do it far better than you're possibly capable of.

Yadda yadda. I need to go running. Peace out.

Unique New York

Significant things that happen (whether definite or possible) prior to 2011:

• I turn 21 on October the 29th. I would love to go to Vegas but I sort of doubt this (though it does fall on a Friday...), so maybe I'll just do the Paul's-District-whatever thing, drink 'til I'm sick, and then have a dinner party the next night. Either way.
• I move into a new apartment with new people.
• I will [hopefully] be down to 118 or so in regards to my weight.

This week has been more uncomfortable than usual. I sleep for 8-9 hours and I wake up and feel like it's been days since I rested. When I sleep 4 hours a night, I feel tired the next day but at least I get shit done with my extra awake time. Needless, restless sleep.

I am never able to be happy. Why? Mostly because I'm impatient. Impatient people are never happy. I drive so slowly, though, because I don't want to die, but I still wish everything around me would move a little faster. I still wish everyone near me would move closer so I don't have to; I wish everyone would take the chances that I don't want to.

I simultaneously find everyone unattractive and perfect.

Last night, I dreamed so many things that it frightens me; my head is so fucking confusing sometimes. Here's the ones I can remember at the moment.

Dreams:

• A man's wife had had a child while he was in prison. The baby's name started with an S. It was shot in retaliation for him doing something while in jail. He then had a son after getting out of jail. First he tried to be normal and well-adjusted. Then he went crazy, I think, and went after the people who killed his daughter.
• I was in a yellow doctor's office. Three people had come with me, but I can't remember who besides my mother. The other two left the room and she stayed while the doctor did tests on me. I don't know what they were testing besides if they were trying to see if I was crazy or not. I overheard the doctor say something like, "It's true: if things keep going the way they are, the entire state of Rhode Island will be completely deserted." So, they were trying to find people to program and send there, or something like that. I recall thinking about real estate as soon as she said that. The tests made my body convulse and they had strapped me to the (green?) table. I was screaming. My mom was only mildly alarmed but I didn't want her to stop them. Later, I could see Kareem Sayid (yes, from Oz) in the middle of prayer over a child on a (yellow?) patient's bed/table, but on a boat, and a few doctors demanded of him (at gunpoint, no less) that test the child.
• Heidi and I were about to go to a party. I hadn't seen her in two months and things were moderately normal. It was a broken down house. The tablecloths were mostly sprayed newspaper. I started to wonder and almost asked what's going on with her (ahem) and then I just decided to leave; it wasn't worth it.
• I was pregnant and living with a boyfriend. We had a room similar to my parents' but it was in a very broken down old building, though our room was okay. I had thought I was painting it Tiffany's Blue (like I will actually paint my new apartment IRL!) but it came out once I painted it like an odd green. It seemed I had only painted the wall the head of the bed was against and right underneath it, though I debated painting the wood parts of the bed. My baby-daddy boyfriend got all upset at the fact that it was green, yelling: "My son is going to sleep in here; how the fuck are you gonna paint it green?" I tried to explain and started borderline crying.
• There was a gang truce going on between the Latinos and the Irish (can you tell that I've been really into Oz lately...?). Somebody wanted to start shit and started running around, telling the Latinos that the Irish were going to attack and somebody warned the Irish (who were, oddly enough, in the middle of a strip poker game in a basement and the only naked people were three girls about my age). I can't recall anything after that.

There were others, but I can't recall them anymore.

Some photos from most recent to least. I'll post the ones from this 4th of July weekend tomorrow.

James and I at Onondaga Lake

Sometimes the sky is extra amazing.

I'm in love with this little dress thing.

Dress - H&M, $15

Purse - H&M, $5

Hat - H&M, $5

5/8" Ebony shields (in my ears) - GT, $25

Shoes - My mother's

I took this of James when we visited LHS

Bad actors with bad habits

My biffle Manda and I on her bed

She got a new piercing! It's a lovely surface bar

from Scarab Body Arts in Syracuse, NY.

FRENCH.

Manda being beautiful.

I make delicious cake (it was a 2 layer strawberry

cake with fresh strawberries inside the cake

along with fluffy chocolate buttercream frosting,

in case you were wondering).

Toby, me, Ryan after Ichibans + N64 a few weeks ago.

"She hasn't given me a blowjob in like 2 years."

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