Day 1 - 70 points (only 35 minutes of exercise)
Day 2 - 80 points
Day 3 - 70 points (not enough sleep)
I weigh 125 now. I feel like almost nobody has noticed that I've lost 10 lbs. (though, I don't go out quite as much when in NY) and for some reason, this upsets me. I think it upsets me partially because I can't tell I've lost weight even though I've put in so, so much effort into doing so. My upper thighs still feel too large, my back feels too soft, my arms are wobbly...yadda yadda. I don't feel right about it yet. I feel like 8-10 more and I'll be a-okay.
I just got back from the dentist. They used a TON of Nitrous Oxide and other stuff; the dentist is my next-door neighbor and always helps me feel totally non-anxious, which is really nice of him. While I was all sorts of out of it, I started realizing things I already knew but...more now. They're very obvious things, but for some reason, I just got thinking about them more than usual.
I tend to try to fix problems by fixing other, unrelated problems; it's a longtime habit and it's not a good one, but I can't help it, my logic is all cross-wired. But I realized that no matter what size I am, it won't negate the more vile things I've done. That even if I grow out my hair all long and lovely, even if I somehow obtain great skin and my teeth magically get perfect, my parents will still not really approve of me. No matter how thin or pretty or productive I ever, ever try to be (and don't worry about my ego; I promise, I don't think I am really any of those things besides maybe productive), I can't make things change.
I'm tired of trying. More tired than ever. And I'm always tired; just ask anyone who's ever been with me. I always say, "Mohammad, what are the two things that I always, always am?" and he never fails to respond with, "You're always tired and you're always right."
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