Your face never forget a cry.

"...then everything turned into a succession of concrete acts and proper nouns and verbs, or pages from an anatomy manual scattered like flower petals, chaotically linked."

10 Things
1) Friday night, I dreamed I was having sex. I haven't the fainted idea who I was sleeping with or what it was like, though, because all I recall is turning to my left and looking in a small round mirror. My face was completely different: I had golden blonde ringlets past my chin and my face was rounder with a receding, yet still double, chin. I recall my thoughts during the dream, which were along the lines of, "I really thought I looked different..." and then thought about photos of my real, IRL face...but in my dream, I imagined that my real, IRL face was from a dream. And my face in this dream was really quite odd and awkwardly shaped, so I was sort of sad that I looked the way I did...overall, very confusing.

2) I now weigh 128.5 or so. Fucking finally. After running most days and being pretty good with my diet, it finally paid off and I've lost about 7 pounds in the past month since I returned from school. NY = healthy for my body, haha.

3) I did Manda's makeup yesterday and then we took like 8 million photos, and it was really, really fun. I'll post a few, they're friggin cute. Some are NSFW but you won't see those, anyways.

4) While reciting a fair amount of my romantic history during a recent phone call, I realized the huge amount of Fail I have managed to accumulate over the course of the past 5 years. Jesus titty fucking Christ, I don't know how I fuck up as often as I do, but apparently, I'm excellent at it. If there's anything I'm good at, it's self-sabotage. There's a reason that I can't listen to 15% of the songs I really, really love, and it's because they remind me too much of the foolish/terrible/dumb-as-fuck things I've done and the people I've hurt or those who have hurt me. I'm excellent, eh? Certain WHY? songs are off-limits unless I want to get bummed out for hours, all Explosions in the Sky makes my stomach hurt, "Counting Backwards" practically makes me vomit even thinking about...fantastic. Seriously. High five, Sam.

4.5) I don't know how I convince people I'm sane. Or maybe they're never really convinced. I've been told by fellows in the past that that's "part of my appeal," which is fucking hilarious considering it's definitely unappealing in a hell of a lot of ways, as well. It's always going to be a pitfall. My irrationality and my impatience will always lead to rockyness, and then one day, they always wake up and say, "Is it really worth it...?" and then they wait around for a while until I turn total batshit. Some stay, some go. If they stay, I find a way to make them go (let's be honest: I probably secretly want to be alone forever). Happy ever after, baby.

5) I have been sleeping like a normal person the past two days. Shit's so whack and confusing.

6) Beck's "Lost Cause."

7) It's so pretty and rainy outside. My makeup is like Gwyneth Paltrow's in The Royal Tenenbaums. James & I drove around and got cigarettes and discussed banging people for an hour. Then we drank tea and talked about how much we want to lose weight. It was productive.

8) Sometimes (right this moment, actually) my room goes from sunny to flooded with such lovely, warm, intense sunlight. It's almost too perfect. My mom painted my room a very sunny yellow after I left for California the first time, and put up pink cute curtains. It's perfect and makes me feel better every day.

9) Nice new friends are cause for nice new feelings. I should probably throw away the stale, sad thoughts that were cluttering the insides of my head back in May. I think it's time, isn't it?

10) I feel guilty for things I haven't done, for some reason. Perpetually guilty. I think I must be terrible to be with. Mohammad has said that I'm a "muse" for people, which is funny because I think the only thing I inspire people to do is off themselves or run. I can't imagine why anybody would want to be with me. Most people come with a carry-on and a small suitcase of baggage; I bring a moving van and the boxes of ex-lovers past.

In any case, anyways, nevertheless: I'm always right.

Dating is never perfect, but:

I was recently asked what my idea of the "perfect date" was. A perfect date is one that doesn't really exist because it doesn't feel like you're on a date; it feels like you were always supposed to be there and that you've known one another for decades already. Or maybe a perfect date is one where you're complete strangers and completely comfortable with remaining that way for as long as you both shall live. I've never dated a boy who took me on dates after we began seeing each other. Actually, that's incorrect; David used to take me on dates fairly frequently and they were always crazy/fantastic places like surprise theme parks or ghost towns in the desertt. But that is the exception; for the most part, I lean towards "unconventional dating" types, which generally are people who are entirely dating-conventional in regards to the age group they're in.

A perfect date, it regards to a person, is...

-Somebody who doesn't try to fight your demons (unless you ask them to help you); they embrace them, because they're part of you.
-Somebody who never comments on much I eat or don't eat.
-Somebody who takes my romantic efforts seriously rather than passively, somebody who remembers details. Perhaps a bit romantic, as well.
-A cheap drinker who has occasional bouts of non-cheap alcohol favoring.
-A person who doesn't usually care about how they dress but if we are to be on a date (whether it's on a lawn, on the beach, or in a restaurant), dresses slightly nicer than usual; somebody who does something to just make the other person smile.
-Talented; I can't say I've ever once been attracted to somebody who wasn't very talented. I've (somewhat unfortunately) overlooked poor qualities about a person purely because he was extremely good at what he did. Never gonna make that mistake again.
-Somebody who will play the cloud game with me.
-Somebody who holds hands in public but never grabs anything.
-Somebody who understands my baggage and drags around equally as much; maybe we'll free each other (but probably not; it's okay, though).
-Preferably somebody who is excellent at oral and isn't selfish about sex; I'm awesome and they should be, too.
-Likes to dance.
-Accepts compliments well.
-A heavy sleeper.
-A good lay. An even better cuddler.
-Not gay.*

Does romance die for you when the people that kept you romantic die from you?

*I only say "not gay" because I've dated briefly or longer-than-briefly at least four fellows who came out during or after seeing me.

I am more than an option.

"If you are more than the sum of your parts, stand back up." Instead, I kept walking, though I continued to lay down. I got in the car and forgot to look behind ourselves; we hit another part we left on its own, though, and that part of me squealed and cried a bit but eventually was resigned to its tire-track-ridden fate.

I want to not hate everyone I meet. Either that, or I want to not love everyone I meet.

It would appear that I am the sort of person who would have an October birthday. And late October, no less; just two days before Halloween. I used to think of Halloween each and every day from July onwards, reading books about the holiday and the costumes and the recipes for hours and hours. But my interest in the holiday isn't why I'm supposed to be an autumn child.

Sometimes I remember things that definitely happened, but I can't remember with whom. I have this memory of being somewhere about 45 minutes away. It was July two years ago, I think, and the grass was so vividly green that it almost looked plastic, but it was still so soft. There was a bridge. It was very rounded and the brook that it crossed was very shallow and clear. There were a few people on the bridge; teenagers about my age. Maybe it was more than two years ago.

I would like to be able to rely on somebody, but I've come to recognize that my standards are far too high for that. I am the common denominator in my shitty experiences with people.

There aren't any rainbows

"The human brain is only capable of maintaining 150 stable relationships."

It is funny, then, that I am unable to hold more than a handful of them. Well, stable ones, at least.

In any case, things that have happened in the past 48 hours:

• I got my license (yes, finally; I'm nearly 21 and got it just yesterday, haha)
• I found out I didn't get the part-time job I applied for because I'll be leaving after summer
• I've run nearly 10 miles
• Because my previous laptop seems to have offed itself, I ended up getting a new laptop :) Toshiba Satellite lovely thing...
• I've eaten way too fucking much
• I cried from 5am until around 9am

James and I went to Recess tonight (I drove, yayyy). We called/texted Manda a few times each to see if she wanted to come but we couldn't get ahold of her, unfortunately. It was pouring for a minute so we waited at Recess 'til it stopped and then stopped by Mohammad's, watched the end of Mean Girls, and that was nice. We drove back and went to Wegmans, went to get fries, then I decided (post-ordering) not to get them so we drove away and went to Taco Bell, then got gas and went home. I really like driving at night; it was so peaceful.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go running somewhere other than my neighborhood now that I can actually drive away to a place, haha. I want to find some interesting/lovely things to do in CNY that I never did because I couldn't get there and nobody was interested. Hmmm...I'll figure something out. I definitely need to pick up kickboxing...

Boot Camp

Bootcamp!
So, the week before I go back to CA (in late July), Manda, James, and I are doing a 7-day VIP trial at Gold's Gym. Pretty much, we can do whatever we want in the gym fo' free for 7 days. I've been trying to figure out exactly how to maximize our mini-memberships in order to utilize lots of gym time, lots of pool time, and lots of class time. So far, my own person schedule may look like:

Monday

• 8 - 9am--> WillPower & Grace
• 10 - 11 --> Group Ride
• 1:30 - 2:30 --> Swim laps
• 2:45 - 3 --> Spa
• 3 - 4 --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
  

Tuesday

• 5:45 - 6:45am --> Group Ride
• 9 - 10 --> WillPower & Grace
• 12 - 1:30pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 1:45 - 2:30 --> Free swim
• 5:15 - 6:30 --> Group Power
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Zumba
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Group Center

Wednesday

• 9:15 - 10:15am or 10:30 - 11:30am --> Aqua Fit
• 9 - 10 --> Group Ride
• 10:30 - 11:30 --> Swim
  
• 5:30 - 6:30pm --> Spinning
• 7:30 - 8:30pm --> Group Kick (the one I'm most excited for!)
  

Thursday

• 5:45 - 6:45am --> Group Ride
• 9 - 10 --> Cardio Sculpt
• 10:30 - 11:45 --> Swim + Spa
  
• 12 - 12:45pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 4:30 - 5:30 or 6:30 - 7:30 --> Zumba
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Pilates
  

Friday

• 9 - 10am --> Group Ride
• 9:15 - 10:15 or 10:30 - 11:30 --> Aqua Fit
• 12 - 1pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 5:30 - 6:30pm --> Group Groove
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Yoga

Saturday

• 6 - 7am --> Group Ride
• 7:30 - 8:15 --> Swim + Spa
  
• 9 - 10 --> Group Step
• 3 - 5pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
  

Sunday

• 7:30 - 8:30am --> Group Ride
• 8 - 9 --> Aqua Fit
• 8:30 - 9:30 --> Power Jam
• 10:30 - 11:30 --> Zumba
• 3 - 5pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.

Realistically, of course, I won't end up doing all of this. But I want to do at least 50%-75% of the stuff I've listed. I need to kick my own ass back into shape. It's 5:33am right now and I'm about to run. Later!

Doo doo, doo doo.

First of all, I strongly recommend you read Gina's latest entry. I giggled up a goddamned storm.

Secondly, I've been thinking about the future a lot (because what else is there to imagine when things are the way they are at the moment?), and I think a fair amount about what raising kids will belile.I think about having kids someday, sometimes I think about how I'll never fool them into believing Christopher Columbus was a good person. How I'll never let them think America was populated in a kind, nurturing, non-violent way. I'll tell them about what was done to the Native Americans and to slaves and to immigrants, and what's still fucked up about the world. I won't tell them our government is perfect or that it's the best kind there is. I'll always tell the truth and give my honest opinion when it comes to information because it's irresponsible not to.

I'll never buy meat or dairy sourced from factory farms, and someday, I'll give them the choice of being vegetarian. I won't let them drink coffee. I will never let them feel alone; if I have a daughter, and if/when middle school sucks for her, I will make sure she stays strong but never force her to go. I'll try not to yell. I will change if I have to, for their sakes. I'll never try to live vicariously through them, ever, and never force them to do something simply because they're good even if they don't like the activity. I will do my very, very best to never say anything I don't mean in arguments. And I will never put my burdens and bitterness on or towards them. We will have a dog, a cat, and cows, and I'll always teach them how important animals' rights are. If their father is, in any way, a negative influence on their lives, it'll be a "one strike and goodbye" policy, because that is how shit should be. They will always come first.

Thirdly, I have been painting a lot lately. Almost non-stop. I started about a week ago and I can't stop; I love doing it so much. I also bought some new and colorful yarn so I can start knitting again. :)

And fourth, my dream on Wednesday night: I was dating Simon Adebisi (for those of you who don't watch Oz, he is played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje who also plays Mr. Eko on Lost). We boned in a sickeningly yellow room, then I played a soccer game with bare feet in my bright red fluffy bathrobe. He cheered me on. It was lovely o' him.


And my dream last night: James and I were driving in a cul-de-sac and he was drunk. He said he would never drink again but he kept driving. It was night outside. Later, Manda and I were with Eddie in a little museum-house. It had slanty ceilings and I was so confused as to where everything was. Manda and Eddie wanted to continue to a different room while I studied some drawings. There was one that was a blue ship on white paper that was angled oddly. I tried to take a photo of it on my phone but I couldn't for some reason. The other drawing was on rectangular (longer width, shorter length) yellow construction paper. It was an orange--with white streaks--furry creature with green eyes in the middle (maybe slightly right of middle) of the page. Then on the far right, almost walking off the page, the outline and slight details of an alien with a large rounded head facing the right side, off-page. I remember drawing his eyes Maybe laughing. He looked like the Futurama tv anchor guy.
There was also a different dream after (or maybe before) where I was driving down this street (that was strikingly similar to James' mom's street in Syracuse towards the ghetto Wegmans on the West Side) but it was day time. I can't remember the situation but I was driving with somebody and I don't think I could drive straight. It was definitely weird though. What was I trying to find?

Names and Words I Don't Like

For some reason, I really hate certain words. Some, I hate hearing from 99% of people because the words make me so sick to listen to or say. I also hate quite a few names, whether it's because there are far too many shitty people associated with them or just because they sound odd/unfortunate/icky to me.

Names

• Ashley (oh my god, I cannot express to you how much I hate this name)
• Christine
• Sabina
• Terri
• Jesse
• Luke
• Angela
• Derek
• Rebecca
• Devon
• Aiden (seriously, hipsters and everyone else: stop naming your fucking kids Aiden; it's not that awesome)
• Barbara
• Elizabeth

Words

• cookie
• Thursday
• food
• other
• meal
• a word that rhymes with "art"
• a word that rhymes with "shoop"
• retard
• chill
• smell
• unnecessary
• slick
• bush
• bubbles

And, just to bright things up, names and words I love:

• crisp
• Liam
• Chloe
• lovely
• kitten
• ubiquitous
• Wendy
• cerulean
• bears
• things
• darling
• ginger
• translucent
• lush
• spacious

Monday night's dream

Monday night I had a dream that I was in a wheelchair most of the time but sometimes I could walk. I was in a school and it was a frightening day for some reason. The locker area was shaped like a small cave and I kept calling Matt and Greg, and I felt really awkward doing so for some reason. I wheeled myself around the school, which was having an emergency evacuation for a little while (I'm unsure as to whether it was a real problem or not), and sometimes had to stand up but it was really difficult.

I also remember being near a pool. I kept getting the feeling that nobody wanted me to be there, but I don't think there was almost anybody else there.

I also was in a public restroom and some girl with braids ducked underneath the door and started climbing into the stall. Somehow I managed to get it all on handheld video tape and when I reviewed the tape (which had perspectives that couldn't possibly be filmed by me). I got really upset and she started screaming at me, saying she had good intentions.

But we never really do what we intend to, do we?

Plans for the rest of this summer

New York (which I'll be in for the next two or so months):

• Painting with my mom
• Blacksmithing with my grandfather (+ he always makes us homemade hot fudge sundaes after)
• Visiting my dad's side of the family in New Jersey
• (Hopefully) going to Darien Lake with Panda, Ry, and other folks
• Going back to blue right before I go back to CA (my mom asked me to do so, even though she loves my hair blue most of the time, haha)
• Writing as much as possible
• Walking Cinnamon two or three times a week
• Running 3-4 miles each morning at least four times a week
• Learn some stellar recipes from my grandmother
• Volunteering with the Syracuse Peace Council
• (Hopefully) doing wedding makeup

California (where I'll be for the last third of the summer)

• Finding a nutritionist and figuring shit out
• Moving into new fantastic-as-fuck Aspens apartment with Gina and Julia (!!!)
• Going to the Bay with Greg, Adam and Bobby (I think I discussed it with him but I don't even remember at this point) to visit Cameron in Oakland and Heidi in Santa Cruz
• Exploring the Redwoods with the above
• Camping in Yosemite
• Volunteering with animal organizations
• Working out in the Aspens gym at least 4 times a week
• Sticking with the healthy diet thing
• Seeing Major Lazer again, I thiiiink
• Drinking no more than two days a week (except when in Oakland/Santa Cruz/Yosemite, obviously)
• Getting a bunny wabbit! :)

You're right: I don't remember.

Sometimes I am capable of truly terrible things.

Sometimes, however, it makes me ache just to witness anybody else feel sad. Actually, this is most of the time. If I see somebody, whether I care about them or not, or hear about a person or read about a person being sad or hurt, I start crying and feel sick. Too much empathy is almost as bad as a lack thereof, but I suppose I'll take it over the latter.

Sometimes I am rational. Typically, I am not, but somehow things tend to work I out when I just assume what anybody else would do and do it, so at the very least, I am rational enough to understand what normal people would want to do.

Sometimes I like consistency. But most of the time, I refuse to watch the same movie twice (there are a few exceptions) or the same episode twice because surprise is so integral for me. This may be an allegory for people.

Sometimes the air gets too heavy and I can't breathe. Actually, this is frequently. It's usually too tight to fit into my lungs.

Sometimes it's okay to live out of a suitcase. Sometimes that feels good.

Sometimes I need to be held every night because if I have nobody's hair to stroke but my own, it's the same feeling of not eating for 24 hours.

Sometimes I need to be a complete recluse for 5 days straight to understand if/why I need other people.

Sometimes the mail doesn't come and I start crying hysterically. This is a lie. No it's not.

Sometimes I feel guilty for going to California.

Then, sometimes, I realize that I needed to leave and that worrying constantly about how my decisions will be viewed by other people, as opposed to thinking about the good that those decisions will do me, is a bad idea.

Sometimes I dream I am dying and then wake up confused, having already accepted that I am dead.

Sometimes my hands and mouth decide to go on off without my common sense and eat everything in sight (you thought that was going somewhere else, eh?). Then I feel sickened.

Sometimes I need to not eat for a few days to understand why I need to eat.

Sometimes I don't know how to function without flirting. Sometimes I don't understand why people think I am flirting. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I am terrible at knowing what I'm saying and how I'm coming off and that gets me into all sorts of trouble.

Sometimes I write things I am not thinking and then I confuse myself by wondering what I'm thinking. That just happened.

Sometimes I should really stop being there for people when people sort of suck at doing the same back. I can be very self-centered, but then...

Sometimes I think I should probably run away from everyone, change my name, and see what happens for at least a year.

Sometimes I am almost certain that I am not really a person.