10 Things
1) Friday night, I dreamed I was having sex. I haven't the fainted idea who I was sleeping with or what it was like, though, because all I recall is turning to my left and looking in a small round mirror. My face was completely different: I had golden blonde ringlets past my chin and my face was rounder with a receding, yet still double, chin. I recall my thoughts during the dream, which were along the lines of, "I really thought I looked different..." and then thought about photos of my real, IRL face...but in my dream, I imagined that my real, IRL face was from a dream. And my face in this dream was really quite odd and awkwardly shaped, so I was sort of sad that I looked the way I did...overall, very confusing.
2) I now weigh 128.5 or so. Fucking finally. After running most days and being pretty good with my diet, it finally paid off and I've lost about 7 pounds in the past month since I returned from school. NY = healthy for my body, haha.
3) I did Manda's makeup yesterday and then we took like 8 million photos, and it was really, really fun. I'll post a few, they're friggin cute. Some are NSFW but you won't see those, anyways.
1) Friday night, I dreamed I was having sex. I haven't the fainted idea who I was sleeping with or what it was like, though, because all I recall is turning to my left and looking in a small round mirror. My face was completely different: I had golden blonde ringlets past my chin and my face was rounder with a receding, yet still double, chin. I recall my thoughts during the dream, which were along the lines of, "I really thought I looked different..." and then thought about photos of my real, IRL face...but in my dream, I imagined that my real, IRL face was from a dream. And my face in this dream was really quite odd and awkwardly shaped, so I was sort of sad that I looked the way I did...overall, very confusing.
2) I now weigh 128.5 or so. Fucking finally. After running most days and being pretty good with my diet, it finally paid off and I've lost about 7 pounds in the past month since I returned from school. NY = healthy for my body, haha.
3) I did Manda's makeup yesterday and then we took like 8 million photos, and it was really, really fun. I'll post a few, they're friggin cute. Some are NSFW but you won't see those, anyways.
4) While reciting a fair amount of my romantic history during a recent phone call, I realized the huge amount of Fail I have managed to accumulate over the course of the past 5 years. Jesus titty fucking Christ, I don't know how I fuck up as often as I do, but apparently, I'm excellent at it. If there's anything I'm good at, it's self-sabotage. There's a reason that I can't listen to 15% of the songs I really, really love, and it's because they remind me too much of the foolish/terrible/dumb-as-fuck things I've done and the people I've hurt or those who have hurt me. I'm excellent, eh? Certain WHY? songs are off-limits unless I want to get bummed out for hours, all Explosions in the Sky makes my stomach hurt, "Counting Backwards" practically makes me vomit even thinking about...fantastic. Seriously. High five, Sam.
4.5) I don't know how I convince people I'm sane. Or maybe they're never really convinced. I've been told by fellows in the past that that's "part of my appeal," which is fucking hilarious considering it's definitely unappealing in a hell of a lot of ways, as well. It's always going to be a pitfall. My irrationality and my impatience will always lead to rockyness, and then one day, they always wake up and say, "Is it really worth it...?" and then they wait around for a while until I turn total batshit. Some stay, some go. If they stay, I find a way to make them go (let's be honest: I probably secretly want to be alone forever). Happy ever after, baby.
5) I have been sleeping like a normal person the past two days. Shit's so whack and confusing.
6) Beck's "Lost Cause."
7) It's so pretty and rainy outside. My makeup is like Gwyneth Paltrow's in The Royal Tenenbaums. James & I drove around and got cigarettes and discussed banging people for an hour. Then we drank tea and talked about how much we want to lose weight. It was productive.
8) Sometimes (right this moment, actually) my room goes from sunny to flooded with such lovely, warm, intense sunlight. It's almost too perfect. My mom painted my room a very sunny yellow after I left for California the first time, and put up pink cute curtains. It's perfect and makes me feel better every day.
9) Nice new friends are cause for nice new feelings. I should probably throw away the stale, sad thoughts that were cluttering the insides of my head back in May. I think it's time, isn't it?
10) I feel guilty for things I haven't done, for some reason. Perpetually guilty. I think I must be terrible to be with. Mohammad has said that I'm a "muse" for people, which is funny because I think the only thing I inspire people to do is off themselves or run. I can't imagine why anybody would want to be with me. Most people come with a carry-on and a small suitcase of baggage; I bring a moving van and the boxes of ex-lovers past.
In any case, anyways, nevertheless: I'm always right.
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