And when my balls are finally big enough to do it:

Cleaning up messes you make always feels a little odd. Your hands get kind of dirty in the process; picking the shit off the ground puts more filth on your fingers than tossing it on the floor originally did in the first place. I'm trying, in any case.

I remember when I was slightly younger (i.e. 15-17), I used to go on these super mega rants where I'd just rage on things that pissed me off. I still do that to a certain extent but...more composed, I guess. I occasionally go off on things in my head but it's rare that I actually write it out (though last spring I did type this massive rant, which you can read/graze through if you're added via my Facebook). I think it is pretty important, though, to understand how to argue. Productive arguing is an incredibly important skill to have regardless of what you do in life; you will meet people who will disagree with you and, yes, of course we all have different opinions. Yes, of course it's easier to accept everyone's opinions, yadda yadda yadda...but being able to actually discuss and argue your own point is vital in order to have a productive society that doesn't just accept shit and move on. It's easy to not question anybody else's actions, but analyzing and being able to explain the ideals and motivations behind the actions is necessary, almost always. I'm not saying we all need to argue that the other person is wrong, but you should damn well be able to express, explain, and (if needed) defend your own points. Meh, anyways...I was saying that I used to go on rants. And I was going to say (and now shall) that I am probably going to begin doing that again here. Just a note.

Spring break is next week. I'm stoked for a break, holy shit. I'm so, so stoked just to...sleep more, and not worry about missing things if I choose to not go places. I need to start working out. I'll have time; hopefully I'll have the energy, too. I'm not going home because it's too expensive and even though I want to ask my parents again, I know they'll (1)say no but (2)feel guilty for saying no, and I'd rather just not cause them to feel guilty. Plus, my friends will all be in school (our spring break is kind of late). So, I might go up to LA with Zak a few times and then visit Regina in San Diego at some point. Probably other things, too; who knows. Generally, I'm just plain stoked.

This past week has been sort of a blur. I got pretty ill on Thursday due to a poor decision I made regarding substances, but it was still a pretty good night. I went to the party at Tiny House for their new-found room. Matt took us girls home (I think we were all really sick), but I couldn't sleep so I found Alex, we talked, and I ended up sleeping in his room while he slept on the floor. Really nice of him; mental note - bring him cookies. Friday, I went to the Saloon with Jessica and her friends from home, we hung out with Matt and quite a few other folks, and I got to talk to Rob quite a bit. It was a really nice night, though I did have a bit of a hangover the next day. Theeeen, Saturday, Heidi and I went to Dillon's beer commercial shoot where they needed extras to be at a party. We drank a bit, I hung out with Rob later, then went home and fell asleep around 2 because I had to be up kind of early for the intermediate that I'm in.

Speaking of which: I'm so stoked to see Vinnie's production when it's done. :D I play a superhero and David Applebee plays a young man who dies while I'm trying to save him. It was so much fun to shoot on Sunday. Afterwards, we went and got Cherry On Top; they now have pomegranate frozen yogurt. Seriously. Fucking amazing. After I got back, I showered thoroughly because we had been in a dirty alleyway all day and the scene took place mainly on the ground. I couldn't remove some of the body makeup, haha. :( Then I went over to Eric's and we watched Rosemary's Baby. Cute movie, right? Yes.

Today, I talked to Mohammad for a little while. I miss him and his big cream-colored house. I miss New York and at least three of my friends' houses. Gah. Fucking planes and their expensiveness.

I realize there's only a certain extent to which I can be honest in this. Or...elaborate. It's not like I lie; I just don't tell the entire story because regardless of the fact that not many people actually do read this...a lot of people can read this, and so I'd rather just save details for my paper and pen journal.

Marie took this two weeks ago:

This is about the past.

Today, as I begin writing this, it is now Thursday, March twenty-sixth, two thousand and nine.

When I was 17, I went to Maine, as we had done a few times before and still do every year or two during the summer. We have a small wooden camp that my great- (+ one more great, maybe) grandfather on my mother's side built a very, very long time ago. It's in very northern Maine, almost to Canada. The area is this gorgeous, barely-touched place with trees everywhere and dirt/gravel roads. There are so many farms. Relatives on my mother's side, up until my grandfather when he was around twenty-something, were all potato farmers there.

Anyways, I was 17 and in bad shape. I went there with my mother, my brothers, and Mateo's (my middle brother who was 20 at the time) girlfriend. My grandparents and some relatives were there at the same time. I was going through a really rough patch and was pretty unwilling to go on vacation; I figured I'd end up just being completely and utterly miserable, both towards myself and to be around. I was especially not in the mood to be around Mateo, who was, at the time, experiencing New Love and fucking hell, that shit sucks to be around when you're miserable.

So we started the twelve-hour drive to Maine in July. The night before, I had gotten pretty wasted at Manda's and did some things I'd rather not mention here. We stopped in Ogunquit for a day or two. I spent most of the day alone and occasionally talking to strangers. I had bright blue hair and apparently, that means "Talk to me" in stranger-language. I wrote constantly. I literally filled more than half of a composition notebook by the end of one day; it felt good but sickening, like itching bugbites and receiving relief, but pus and blood, too.

On the way to northern Maine, we stayed in a hotel in Ogunquit (one of my favorite places in the world). This was taken that night.


A six or so hour drive more north, we finally got to the camp. As usual, it was exactly as I had remembered it. The air was so sweet, fresh...clean. The lake reflected everything around it when still, though occasionally there were small boats or canoes or even swimmers just hanging around. I have a fear of water where I can't see the bottom, so swimming there didn't ever really fly with me, but I love being close to water. It's always beautiful there. Always. There is never a day (there or anywhere, really) when the sky doesn't make my mouth drop at least once, but in Maine, everything on the ground is perfect, too.

This is Cross Lake:


This is the camp:


I've been co-dependent on people for so long. Parents, friends, lovers...I was always terrible at being alone. I hated it, was terrified of it. Ogunquit, sitting and walking by myself, was the first place I really got a chance to be alone because...I had to be. I couldn't be around friends because they were hundreds of miles away and I couldn't be around my family, at the time, because I didn't want to ruin their vacations and be a miserable asshole. I talked to some strangers, as I said, but for the most part, I was alone. It was so odd and uncomfortable but I eventually realized how badly I had needed it.

I ate strawberries that were better than any I had ever had before. Perfect ones that we bought from a store on the road we drove on to my great Aunt Barbara's house. The berries were picked and sold same-day; absolutely perfect.

(I was, and still am, extremely pale. I'm not as pale now as I was then, but my skin rarely changes much from this color, or lack thereof.)

I love Maine, I really do. I need to live there someday. I have a feeling that's where I'll "settle."


Pictures from the rest of the trip:

My grandparents. My grandmother's usually smiling but it was very sunny, haha. They're wonderful, amazing people.


Me feeding baby Harold (the IVth!)


Mateo and I in the boat


Excessive paleness again.


My mom and I on a boat going to old Quebec


We visited an aquarium when we went to Quebec


My mom and Brian inside the aquarium




Quebec, je t'aime.

I am finished and today is Friday, March 27th, 2009. It is 6:46 PM.

(1) Go to California (2)Go to Hawaii

I never not cared what my voice sounded like while I sing until now, post-tonsillectomy + shittiness. Now that it's incapable of sounding alright, I'm okay with it sounding terrible. I mean, I have a chest voice still but my head voice is pretty fucking bad/unstable. Good thing I quit that whole "music" thing, eh? I wasn't exactly going places due to a strong lack of motivation to practice the music assigned/learn music theory and an even stronger lack of motivation to put myself in the spotlight as a singer. Writing is crack for me; singing is just the pipe I smoke it through.

Verb - action.
Noun - no.
Beep beep beep,
Ovaltine chocolate milk answering machine lady's hands digits controlling numbers like pushpins.

Today was a pretty great day. I woke up on time, went to theatrical makeup, had lunch with Regina and Heidi, then us + Sasha went to get Regina's nose pierced at Outer Limits (!) and then we shopped at Buffalo Exchange, Urban Outfitters, etc. stores @ the Lab. It was a gorgeous, gorgeous day; about 77 degrees all day, super sunny, slight breeze. We came back, ate dinner, and Heidi and I chilled around the smoker's table for a while with people passing in and out and around. I went to rehearsal for the superhero intermediate I'm in and then called Heidi. It's her birthday so later tonight, we probably have plans. Who knows?

Beautiful places are prone to natural disaster. Lalala.

I remember when I turned sixteen. I was with Manda, Ryan, Ronnie, and I think somebody else (Tom, maybe?). We went to Denny's. It was pretty fucking fun. I did this on my seventeenth, too. I miss Denny's by Electronics Parkway. End.

Flows sweetly?

I wrote a 4 part piece that I call "Drowning." I also wrote two companion poems. One is about the physical act of drowning, the other about emotionally drowning (yeah, yeah - I bring the depressive lulz with it, now shut the fuck up). The four part one = semi-stream of conscious set of poems. I read that one at writer's exchange today and added two different lines while speaking. I never mean to do it; it just happens. I do it while reading stories, too, particularly fairytales. I wonder if I just hate the impersonal nature of things already written. Live in the moment, bastards.

Speaking of bastards, I started listening to Lifetime a little bit again.

I have a midterm in 35 minutes that I've studied for 15-20 minutes for. Oh, motivation! I am so tired and all I want to do is watch Food Network with Manda and Ryan, talk about why I'm going to marry Bobby Flay, eat bulk candy, and write more in "Fuck That Bitch." Unfortunately, I can't do that for two months.

I'm ordering a pair of GWS 1g aqua colorfronts that look like this:

They're lovely. I didn't think I'd need them but my ears are loose at 2g but still too small for 0g, and this will make the transition very nice, I think. I'm re-doing my double nostril piercings ASAP, right after the intermediate project I'm in is done on Sunday. I'm stoked; I miss having them in my face, silly as that sounds.

Speaking of faces, my recognition is off again. I keep forgetting what people look like while I'm standing next to them. If they lie down or tilt their heads, I suddenly can't remember who they are. Bad eyes. Bad interpreting? I cannot stand the pounding-stampede sounds of typing; this is making my ears throb. Peace.

America Won

"America's a blinding place for night life,
the highlights: America's a binding place
and I might tangle you in your own fists
(like two hundred feet of blank tape in a tree)
and I might pound you, put it on you like a sweater
(with the sleeve holes sewed shut
while you're trying to swim)
and I might treat you like a wall I walk by
(with my headphones on and my eyes all gone)
or polish you, shine your ego
like windexing a mirror."

I think it's time to go now. Soon.

The evenings have started getting Late, the days have started getting Cold; it's not Sunny Southern California any longer. In all honesty, I love it here, though, and if I'm going to actually move somewhere to make it my residence, it'll probably be up by Davis where Brian is. It's beautiful there and still rains (but it's supposed to), but not too much. Maybe I'll go to the coast. I want to go somewhere near the ocean.

Someday, I'll live in Maine. It's one of the most beautiful places in the world and has so to give that nobody will take (thank goodness). I know I lived in a lighthouse at some point and I'd like to again.

My hands love water. My mind hates the sight of Bottomless, though. I need to go back to sleep.

Help, I'm alive.

La la la, Sam is unhappy, la la la, Sam is confused. So it goes.

I have so little motivation to do almost anything lately. I've been writing some poetry but much less than usual, and I haven't been happy with it. I've been eating less than usual because everything has this odd twinge of another taste to it; it's either a slight vomitlike flavor or a super bitter aftertaste. Unfun. But I suppose it's helping me "get healthier," not that I really give a damn if I'm lower than my current 8/10 size; I just want to be on a healthier track. Curves are curves and I've come to terms with mine. I think I damn near like them, nowadays. But I think I've lost probably three pounds. My pants keep getting looser so I suppose that's a sign.

I made Chris a mix that has Deerhoor and Wilco and other stuff. I wanted to include Metric, Red Sparowes, more Why?, Lemuria, Sigur Ros, Beatles, and some other stuff, but didn't have room. Damn you, mix CDs, with your teensy allotted space. I love putting songs in specific orders, though, so it is nice that it's not just hundreds of songs all clumped together on a disk drive just to be uploaded and scrambled in a nonspecific grouping.

Anyways, I was pretty ill two days ago. Fever and an inability to stop shaking. Alex came to drop off our Western book for class, saw me all sickly, opened the window, was sweet about stuff, etc. I feel better now but I'm still a little sleepy. I need to write a 4-page draft by tomorrow for Writing About Film about lighting and sound techniques used in Barton Fink. Not difficult, just tedious. I have a production meeting tonight for Campeater. I'm totally stoked. This coming weekend is the second one for Cameron's film , then comes Campeater, then I think I'm helping with Chris's woodland, weird, avant-garde (who knows) project that sounds rather fun, and then I think I'm free for two weeks followed by doing makeup for Wes' film. And Vinnie asked me to audition for his intermediate project to be a superhero! Fan-fucking-tastic, seriously; I'm really hoping that goes well (it's this Friday). I am so bad at acting on stages because it's very scary to know that you don't really get a second chance, though people notice problems far less from faraway. In film, you have to deal with being super close to your audience, but you still get a ton of chances to get it right.

Anyways, photos from the past few weeks:

2nd weekend of "The Time Traveler"

Nathan getting ready for his cameo with me in the plaid


Filming in the Mormon house


Niels displaying the proper way to say "cunt" in sign language


Actors getting down to business


Birdies at the Mormon house; they needed a bit of quieting


Heidi, Eric, and Jessica. Three of the reasons this set was super fun.


Heidi caught me outside


1st wrap party

Heidi, Marie, Jessica, and I


2nd sort of wrap party on the beach (I think it was near Newport but I could be wrong; it was at least near Crystal Cove)



Me, Heidi, & Regina


Zak, me, Ade


Me, Nathan, Greg, and Heidi


Regina's room


Chris and myself being washed in light


Regina being cute


Me doing Greg's makeup


Chris with Regina's headdress on. Check out the background.


Heidi and Regina, also being cute

I'm extremely intoxicated and this will therefore be filed under "rambling," as well as not make much sense, capisce?

In short, Heidi and I went to the "Sad House" (i.e. the house of Niels, Colin, Trevor, and Adam) and watched Star Wars and got extremely drunk with a lot of other people. We ended up leaving for what we thought would be a half hour and ended up being two-ish hours. We walked to the opposite 711 from school, then walked to school, then went back. We ran at least a little while. Insane-o, hahaha. It was really fun, though, and she and I talked a ton. I called Chris on our way to 711 but he didn't answer, and then soon, around 12:30ish he called me back. I told him to come over, which he did, and then we left, walked Heidi to her dorm, then took a nice walk and talked for a long time. He's very, very nice to talk to and I didn't have a hard time speaking at all, and considering how much I love listening, it's been really nice to hear his thoughts. When I'm super drunk, it's much easier to ask blatant questions. This deepens early friendships regardless of how silly that sounds; like, I ask big, important ones to people early on, but some people, I just have trouble with. Meh, anyways...

I'm sleepy, I'm exhausted, my right eye and then both eyes keep closing....
My heart's on a page
I willl buy the page to support putting flower on pages.

You've gone skinny all alone in New York City.

I went to bed at 6:30 this morning, slept until 3 pm, and now I can't sleep.

After filming was finished, there was a party at Nathan's and it was extremely fun. I drank quite a bit more than usual, though, and had a really good time. At about 5:30ish, I went with Nathan and Niels to Jack in the Box (I'd never been there) and then to the latter's house. About an hour later, Niels started driving me home, saw a cop car, and I got out and walked the rest of the way (which was literally like a block and a half and I was just too drunk to realize how close their house was to my dorm). Overall, it was a really good night but I had a pretty unfun hangover, which rarely happens for me, and I didn't go to my first two classes. I went to David's, slept a while and ate a sandwich, and then went to my 7-10pm class (Film Genre: the Western). It was a double-feature tonight so we watched a movie whose title I cannot remember and "Forty Guns." Barbara Steinwyck is so calmly beautiful usually...and then in "Forty Guns," she was so peculiar and awkward in her role. I could scarcely believe it was the same woman who had made me shiver while I watched "Double Indemnity."

I met Chris afterwards and we walked back to his place. We watched "All the Real Girls" which was really beautiful. Quick reasons on why I loved that movie so much (and actually was down for watching a third movie in one night):
-It has one of the most realistic couple-fight scenes I've ever seen. Seriously, that is exactly how most of my fights with someone I care very much about have been. Usually, in film, a person fixes a fight with "...BUT I LOVE YOU!" and the other character swoons and they kiss. In this one, she says "I love you!" and he basically just says, "What the fuck? Why the fuck would you say that now? You don't just fix things with 'I love you,'" and walks away.
-It's visually gorgeous. Not the people so much as everything around them.
-The music (and lack thereof) goes along perfectly with the film.
-The writing is perfect, as are the characters. In both the films I watched earlier, I honestly would not have cared if every character died (and multiple other people agreed, so I s'pose I'm not just an apathetic person), but with this film, I genuinely wanted everyone to be happy by the ending.
Basically, I loved the movie and am really glad he showed it to me. I want to see more David Gordon Green films; I believe Chris has others, so that's good. We talked for a while after that and then he brought me back around 1:30.

Now, I've been this close to sleeping for 3ish hours.

I think it possibly is my forgetfulness these past two weeks in regards to eating, but I feel like I've lost about 4-6 lbs. I would like to be between a size 6 or 8 by the time this semester's over. It's not that I don't like being a size 10 because I'm down and it's not like I honestly give a damn what the number on my tag is. It's that a size 6 or 8 would be about the right size for someone of my height who's a healthy weight to be, and a huge goal of mine is to improve my overall health because I'm sick of getting sick all of the time and my insomnia has been on my tail for years. In order to track this, I'm taking one picture every day of my figure (because actual weight numbers are unreliable).

I have a production meeting tonight. I'm stoked to be working on more senior thesis films.

Love,
Sam

"Cunt machine."

So, yesterday I got a call from Jean at 10:30, right before my Writing About Film class, saying that they needed me to be on set in Anaheim at noon. Apparently Veronica, the other makeup artist, had to take her mother somewhere after her car was stolen in LA. It was a 12-hour, but still extremely fun, day. For the most part, a few other people, namely Kelly, Jean, Niels, Daniel, and I just taught each other dirty sign language and created vulgar sentences for hours. For the most part, all the sentences included "whore," "fuck," "cunt," "member," "ponies," or "abortion" in sign language. Extremely lol-worthy as well as productive!

I only had to do the two leads' makeup and it was an indoor scene so it was all nice and simple. Afterwards, I went in Niels' car to the Saloon because it was Matt's birthday party and that was extremely fun, though at first I was a bit upset because David left right before I got there. I danced some with Zak, Heidi, and Jessica and hung out a bit with Regina and Kelsey. It was a nice night and I saw quite a few people, but I was super exhausted, it was around 2 am at that point, and so Niels brought me home. I never really talked to him before except once at the Tiny House, I think, but he's a super nice person and a good writer. Daniel, who also enjoyed sign language, asked me to do makeup for his set in three weeks, and I'm totally stoked on it. The next two weekends, I'm going to be on Cameron Clark's set and those (I believe) are all at outside locations so they should be super fun.

After he dropped me off, I ended up getting a call from Regina. She and I hung out for a while, listened to music, etc., and it was really nice. After she left, around 3:30ish, even though it was super late I still was not wanting to sleep and I called Alex who came over and we stayed up until about 6 or so. It was really, really sweet.

Today, I was on the set (though, admittedly, not doing much today besides helping clean, powder occasionally, and set stuff up) for 10ish hours and it was another good time. Heidi was there today so she, Jessica, and I had some fun. Aaand we all continued with our sign language escapades, haha. Marie, who's wonderful at photography, always takes hundreds of great photos on sets and I can't wait to see the ones from the last few days, haha. The house being filmed in was gorgeous. Afterwards, I went over to the "Sad House" (their name, not mine) which I believe belongs to Trevor, Niels, Adam, and Colin, all of whom worked on the film today. I drank a little, listened/played some music, and then Trevor drove me back. I'm so sleepy because (a)I drank a bit (b)I've been so exhausted from never getting much rest and then doing shit all day.

Tomorrow, Veronica won't be there again so I'm makeup alone. It's a half day; call's at 3. I'm stoked and plan on sleeping in quite a dern bit. This has been a surprisingly good week given the circumstances.

Good things:

• Worked (and working still) on Nathan's set
• Met nice people
• Got my picture taken by Chris/hung out with him a few times this week
  
• Finished catching myself up in Writing About Film
• Slept late today
• Saw a lot of people at the Saloon
• Walked Regina to the bus stop and we've had quite a few good conversations lately
• Wrote a hell of a lot of poetry
• Finally finished the Vagina Monologues so now I have my nights back, yay!
  

Bad things:

• Felt sick yesterday/today afternoon
• Argued with David
• Felt sort of overwhelmed with the massive amount of things going on right now

So apparently, lots more good than bad. I think I need to get sleep now, goodnight!
Sam