Autophobia.

I need to start drinking again. As tacky and teenage-angsty as that sounds, it's true. The only reason I abstain for the most part here is because (1)I'm dieting (2)lack of funds (3)I'm 20 and not currently staying with anyone who'd be willing to buy me alcohol--generally, mothers aren't too down with that.

But when I get back to Orange in a few days, I plan on getting 5 or 6 sexily satisfying bottles of booze, sitting in our freshly painted apartment, and finally being able to sip, smoke, and eventually sleep again. I can't sleep here. I'm always so anxious and, to be honest, certain places remind me too much of certain persons. Or person. And it makes me crazy.

Maybe I'm not happy because I know I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I'm not happy because I made somebody else so sad for so long. Maybe do I deserve to be alone. I'm good at starting relationships, but terrible (really) at maintaining them. I'm fantastic at making people feel special and stoked and lovely when things are beginning, but then I always self-sabotage and end up just making it...hard. For them, for me.

I don't do the normal, calm, "I'll call you baby and we'll almost never fight and we'll only be half-involved in each other's lives" relationship. I just don't. I don't know how to and, to be honest, I've been terribly disappointed and bored whenever I've tried. I get restless and my eyes wander because I am a moth who is so drawn to attention and "love" that I will lead myself astray anywhere simply for that happy light feeling. Well, not anywhere. But that's why I need constant affection, which is simply too much for almost anybody to deal with. The only person able to sustain that level of focus...well, I ruined things there. Why? Because I was scared. I always get scared and I run away and do something drastic. Drastic and dumb. I've heard he's said, since we broke up last year, that he "based his life around me" and so when our relationship ended, he felt like he was ruined. I was ruined, too, but it took me longer to realize it. To him, I was the most wonderful, beautiful person in the world and I could be myself (all of me) in front of him; nobody will ever think that highly of me ever again. This terrifies me.

Eric once said I was like a used car. Which was harsh but I guess he's right; I'm unreliable, unappealing because I'm not new to anybody, and I don't really offer than unique "woohoo" to anybody but those who don't have any other choice.

(This self-hating post has been brought to you by a lack of sleep for weeks, too much working out, and a diet consisting of 500 calories a day...i.e., I'm exhausted and feel horrible about myself.)