Unstuck In Self.

I have this problem where I forget what I look like and who I am on a very regular basis. It's not like I forget completely who I am; I just literally feel completely outside of myself and forget that I have a face, body, and personality outside of my brain. I am on auto-pilot literally 90% of the time spent around other people. When I drink, I realize just how inside of my own head I am. I have been drinking this evening, and when I got back, I saw a picture of myself and the girl (that is me) did not look anything but familiar. Just familiar. I am so unfamiliar with who I am that I recall my own face as an acquaintance.

I only very recently started being aware that every few minutes, I forget where/who I am and have a revelation that I am who I am. It makes things confusing and I feel very self-aware suddenly. Suddenly, all the colors become colors. and music is more than music. Every single day, I realize over and over that the sky is blue. I don't forget that the grass is green, though. I am not trying to be poetic. I stare at the sky frequently for a reason.

No, I'm not high. I know people smoke for reasons besides just being existential and being more aware of things around them, but many people I know have expressed being high to me and I realize they're describing exactly how I feel all the time. Not the good floaty weird stuff so much as realizations and awareness of the world around yourself. I am perpetually aware that everything around me is there. Maybe this is why I can't get high: because I already always am. I am indigo. I don't feel like I should have a body. I don't understand why we need to have bodies. I have been drinking, but I am not drunk--it has simply made my fingers leave the litany of their restrictive wrists.

It is ten minutes after writing this. I masturbated to some lesbian porn and now I've forgotten writing at least half of this. I often fear I'm going crazy but then I just assume that if I bring this up with people, they'll think I am asking for attention. I don't care right now. This is why alcohol and mostly unread, semi-anonymous things are good. This is why "knowing people" is false. This is why I don't know "why?" but ask frequently all the same.

The other day I "looked" like this. I don't remember well. I do not look like this when I think of myself.