Why I will kill anyone who sings the theme to "Annie."

I dropped choir and voice lessons. I didn't have time (not that I have ever enjoyed being in choirs...minus All-State & Area All-State, I love women's choirs). While I feel relieved, I can't help but feel like I'm "abandoning" something that's been a pretty large part of my life for so long. I always told myself it would be something I'd never get tired of, but I'm pretty sure it was just that: something I told myself. The things I'll (almost certainly) never get tired of:

• Movies
• Makeup
  
• Listening to music
• Writing
• Food
• Animals

So I chose the one I feel I have the most potential with (or least potential to fail at, really): writing. And thank goodness I did. Music is one of the most frustrating career options. Your friends are often your friends until it's inopportune to be your friend, your options run out quickly on a regular basis, and cattiness is mandatory.

I think I was doing music for so long that I began doing it (around 15 is probably when it happened) for other people and not myself. For teachers, for directors, for my parents, whatever. I hate chorus all through middle school. I hated it in high school, too. But I did it because I hate disappointing people (and hell knows that teachers love guilt-tripping people into doing shit). I hated musicals and that's why I did just one all of high school, throughout which I was (1)annoyed that many people give up their personal values for pseudo-success, (2)the only person made to dye their real hair whereas every other girl wore a damn wig (sounds silly, but it was annoying), (3)perpetually anxious - I really, really hate being on stages and I didn't realize it until then. It was a stupid high school musical ("Anything Goes," if you're familiar) and yet, people took it SO seriously - the directors, in past and future years, cast their favorites (including relatives, ahem), and often didn't just step back and see how hilarious it was. All that fuss over something a couple hundred people, primarily parents and friends, will simply clap at and cheer for regardless of what good or bad it is. You know who will remember it when you're done? The actors, the teachers, and the crew. That's about it. I was a lead and I never could comprehend why I didn't take the actual production quite as seriously until later when I realized it was because I look too much at the big picture and didn't enjoy sacrificing personal ideals for some minimal, brief, school-stardom.

I quit musicals because they're boring, they're cheesy, and they (almost always) attract the cattiest, most obnoxious "look-at-my-TALENT!" people in the world. Plus, I was never going anywhere in that business. I think too much and I feel I can give more back to the world than 1-2-3-4 steps on a stage. My friend Zak, probably the best male dancer in the dance school, was talking to me yesterday about how many (not all, o'course) people that do dance do it because they don't really have many more options. Unfortunately, same goes for music and theater. It's not always true but often, it is. I think for some people, the ones that truly love music/the arts and are actually amazing, hard-working, and humble about their talents that don't do it for the recognition -- those people are meant to do it. But the ones that sing just to have people listen, who brag and never hear anyone else, who do it for the applause...those are the ones that I can't stand, and they're typically more populous than the former.

Ah well. In conclusion, I feel I've made the right choice. I should've chosen it so long ago and just given up on the cesspool joke that was most of high school. I just think it's funny that so many people continue on the same route in college, particularly MPH students. MPH kids often transfer schools to be closer to other MPH kids; why? Because they realize that college isn't their high school, they miss being in a small, conserved, protected setting, and end up being friends with a few people until they just can't do it anymore and switch. Meh, it's already happened to people from my class in just a semester. As cool as it is to have people from my school here, it's certainly not why I chose this place. I almost went to northern CA to Santa Clara, and there, I would've known nobody (financial aid issues were why I didn't). I hated the feeling of MPH, though I guess I'm glad I went there for a few reasons, and I am so happy to be gone from that silly school.

ANYWAYS, I think I'm going to either the library or the beach. Probably the library though I'd enjoy the former. I just want to finish The Bell Jar and then eat, and then take my allergy medicine and pass out. Signing off.