These lips are sealed, you bitch.

So keep that one locked up, because it's all that you'll get.

I've been so exhausted and sick lately, but I've managed to finish just about all my work. I saw a doctor about my inability to take deep breaths for the past two months and he gave me some bullshit prescriptions for things I've taken before that didn't help. Pretty sure I'll end up seeing a pulmonary specialist so I can have tests done. I really, really don't think this is an asthma thing.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want with regards to sexuality and gender and yadda yadda lately. I like girls who look like boys and boys who look feminine and boys with tons of masculine features and girls who look like they live in lipstick and heels and hairspray. I don't ever plan on calling myself a specific sexuality. It makes me crazy that just because I'm dating a male, it automatically translates to "oh, so you're straight now" to a lot of people, which is ridiculous. I'm still attracted to both, and I always have been. Just because I was born a female and currently dress as one doesn't mean that that's my specific gender; it's my biological sex. I don't know. I wish I had somebody in California to relate to about this business, but alas, the only people I know who share these sorts of feelings about themselves all live in NY.

I'm currently on set and waiting to be called to do touch-ups. I'm so cold and sleepy and pissed off and I just want to get in my car and start driving to somewhere else. I hate California right now and I want nothing to do with it.

Go fuck yourself.

I'm never going to be anybody's first choice.

It's cool.
I've come to terms with it.
There are worse things to be than second best (or next to last, even).

Don't undermine my mind and assume I'm unaware of this. I've known for quite some time and I've heard enough whispering, gotten enough looks, and been fucked over enough times to recognize that, hey: It's not them, it's me.

I'm intelligent but not enough to be considered an intelligent person. I'm pretty but certainly not enough to be considered a "stunning" girl. I'm good at some stuff but I guarantee most of my ex-lovers don't even know my major, or what my main instrument was for 9 years, and certainly not my goals. I'm sort of funny, but not memorably so. Weird, but not unforgettable. And definitely not sane enough for emotional consumption by the general public.

I am not a good memory in most lovers' books--more of a black mark than a gold star.

I am completely aware that I will be forever known as an accident, a mistake, a second choice, "that slutty girl I fucked," and/or "that cunt." Or, by many of you, as "my friend's whore/bitch of an ex-girlfriend." I am a novelty fuck and I'd be hard-pressed to recall the last time somebody I wanted to date actually wanted to date me rather than just fuck me for a while (and eventually give into the relationship). I'm always going to be known by the mistakes I've made and the embarrassments I've achieved; it doesn't matter if I became a fucking nun tomorrow, 90% of you who know me in real life have probably called me a whore at some point, whether it's to my face (rare) or not (quite common, from what I hear).

I'm not bitching and this is not a "poor me" post. I put myself here; my personality is like this and that's nobody's fault. My face is like this and that's nobody's fault either. I don't mind being unremarkable to most people as well as to myself, I guess. But trust me--it's unfortunate when you realize that even the people who supposedly love you the most will never find you to be, either. This was a bad week, and will get worse as of Saturday, so I think I will curl up with my fries and doughnuts and other things that will involve me eating my feelings and say goodnight.

I don't care if you think I'm whiney; you have probably thought worse things about me. And I can probably insult myself better than you can, so don't try and instead, go fuck yourself. Because after I finish eating my feelings, I'll probably do the same.

Raindrops keep meowing on my head

• Classes started again a few weeks ago. They've been intense but I like all of mine so far. I'm actually excited about most of them, for once.
• I've been on set four weekends in a row with three more to go. Night shoots multiple weekends. So sleepy. If I didn't have classes only on Tuesday (which consists of 5 classes from 10am to 10pm) and Thursday (4 classes from 10am to 6:45pm), I would be dying.
• Had a wonderful Valentine's Day. Meow meow. :)
• My mama visited last week! It was so lovely and really fun, and she met lots of my closest friends and...it was just really, really nice to have her. Unfortunately, I was on set this weekend so I had such an abrupt goodbye on Friday, but I'm just so glad she was here.
• Cam just left for three weeks. I am a sad cat.
• I'm sick with a cold. Blech.
• I'm determined to lose weight. I gained so much back last semester after losing so much weight so wonderfully last summer (via running daily, exercising in lots of other ways, eating better, etc., I lost 13 pounds!). I need to do it again. It's so hard when I'm on set so much though and have class so many hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays because that means that 5 days a week, all I wanna do is sleep sleep sleep as soon as possible. But I will do it, goddamnit. I will! I'm 135 (again) and I want to go back to 122 by April or May...I gotta try and do it.
• I've been awake for nearly 24 hours and I need sleep so badly.

Repeatedly told you aint a fairy, you just a bitch

Christmas was...complicated, as it always is. We went to New Jersey a day late, my dad got upset and didn't really talk to any of us for 4+ days (especially not me) including Christmas Eve + Christmas Day, aaand it's been fuccking freezing. On the bright side, however, I have gotten to hang out with the people here that matter most to me and that's really, really lovely. My parents also got us each an ipod touch, which was really nice of them and I've been fairly obsessed with the device since we opened presents a few nights ago (i.e. Monday the 27th, because as I said, my dad got upset and didn't want to celebrate Christmas for a few days, haha). Whatever, I wasn't impatient; presents are unnecessary and I've told them hundreds of times that if they didn't get any of us anything for our birthdays or Christmas, I'd be totally satisfied with just having a calm, collected, stress-free, yelling-free, tear-free, nice holiday. Totally satisfied. Aaand yet...

In any case, though, it was very nice of them. I played the part of Santa this year and stuffed everybody's stockings with special candies and little gizmos, and got each person a few different presents. For my mother, I gave a book (The Awakening), some Japanese and Korean candies, big cushy slippers, a cute dog movie, and shea-infused socks. For my dad, I got a Dinosaur BBQ kit (he loves his grill for like 50% of the year even when it's quite chilly), a movie, Bailey's chocolates, and chocolate covered Godiva strawberries. I gave Mateo a white chocolate (fair trade!) fancy candy bar, a pair of warm gloves, some other candy, and I think something else but it's totally slipping my mind right now... Aaand for Brian, I got the same fair trade chocolate bar but dark chocolate with berries, other candy, a collection of Sibelius symphonies, and something else...again, slipping my damn mind.

ANYWAYS, in addition to getting some lovely gifts, I also got a fucking cold. Sweet. New Year's Eve has always been a time where I'm sick or something, and this year is no different. At least I didn't have a tonsillectomy this time, I s'pose...though I could stand to lose the weight. I'm going to NYC, which should be super fun, though. Bryan and Ryan are going to be in town, so perhaps I'll see them, as well.

In any case, interterm starts on Monday. Cam picks me up from the airport around noon (if I'm lucky with the weather...), then I ruuun to my 1 o'clock interterm class, get out around 4:30, and then I think we shall have some cute dinnercat time. I want to have a whole buncha folks have a little mini-post-break-reunion at Roscoe's on Wednesday or Thursday, too...who knows.

Christmas Eve and counting

It has been over two months since I last wrote, but I don't think almost anybody reads this boo-hoo blog SO...ta-da, I'm back!

I'm probably going to New York City for New Year's Eve, which is something I've never done. And I'm quite excited.

I think every occasion requires a playlist, but New Year's definitely needs a special one. It needs some older, beloved songs with lots of nostalgia attached to them plus some newer ones with more recent memories, fresher in the mind. Here is my (current) NYE playlist, unrefined so far with some necessary additions that I undoubtedly have forgotten, but ta-da:

1. Apple Juice Kid/Louis Armstrong - Dreams
   
2. Bassment Jaxx - Raindrops (Doorly Dubstep Remix)
3. The Crystal Method ft. Emily Haines - Come Back Clean (ATLAS Remix)
   
4. Sharam ft. Kid Cudi - She Came Along
5. Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse ft. James Mercer - I Can Catch It
6. Kid Cudi - Pursuit of Happiness (because of course that has to be on this list, c'mon...)
   
7. Breakage ft. Zarif - Over
8. The Archies - Sugar Sugar
9. Calvin Harris - I'm Not Alone (deadmau5 remix)
10. Laura Marling - Crawled Out of the Sea
11. Beach House - Turtle Island and/or Take Care

To be continued...this list is clearly not even close to done. SOON, though...

In the past 2 days...

• Eric came back to socal for one night. We went to dinner with Trevor, Nate, and Sarah. I left the next day and so did he.
• On a spur of the moment decision, I went to a little warehouse party with Rocco, Bruhners, Sun, and Mike + girls. Had a fun time but got a bit sick towards the end. Listened to excellent music on the way home, though, and that made everything so much better. Watched A Cross the Universe and then went home, passed out hard.
• Got lunch (well, Jamba Juice) with those fellahs then watched a bunch of music videos while listening to Romborama.
• Got a text from my dad saying that my grandfather had died.
• Talked to Mateo for a bit.
• Couldn't stop crying. Ended up driving over to the 70s House.
• Josie and Katie got me sunflowers, a bunch of Hershey Kisses, and wine. Josie made me a really lovely tray of bacon (in a heart shape), avocado slices, and Kisses (also in a heart). It was seriously so lovely. They listened and hugged me and were just so fantastic to have there.
  Isn't it adorable?!
  
• We ended up drinking a bunch of Grey Goose once Bryan, Charlie, Dave, Jacob, Shervin, etc. came. A lots of wine. And played Jenga. And cheersing to my grandfather, which made me feel wonderful that they were so kind about it.
• Pascal made dinner and it was damn delicious.
• Bryan drove me home and, on the way, he got me a blue slushie (my absolute favorite edible thing besides avocado). Not gonna lie, at that point, I almost cried because I feel all sorts of lucky to have such lovely friends.
• I actually felt better, which I wasn't expecting (only because I generally don't feel better when I drink). Everybody was so supportive and just so sweet and caring...I am a lucky gal.
• I didn't eat for around 32 hours between Friday afternoon and late last night, and so when I drank I got really drunk and felt super ill. And now I'm hungover as fuck and don't have anybody to cuddle with.
• Also, considering how amazingly sunny and hot it is 99% of the time here, it's interesting that yesterday and today have been chilly and wet.

I feel lucky to have such awesome friends. And I feel hungry but I don't want to eat again. I just want my body to go into ketosis again and I won't eat until Hard Halloween so I can look fucking awesome in my costume and dance for 8 hours straight and then perhaps some more. This is all I want. That, and maybe the pack of cigarettes I left at their house last night.

There'll be times when my crimes will seem almost unforgivable

So, for Halloween-time I've decided on a few different costumes for the different events going on:

• For the costume wedding Eric and I are going to on the 23rd, I'm trying to convince him to be something with me buuut I doubt that's going to happen. So, I'll maybe be a blue haired Veronica Lake or Marilyn Monroe or Sophia Loren...something like that where I can dress up fancy and all that business.
• On my birthday, I think I will be a peacock. Blue lashes, feathers, lots of makeup, etc. And shimmery blue or matte turquoise tights with my crazy-tight green dress.
• For Hard Halloween, I'm going as the Black Swan persona from, duhrp, "The Black Swan" with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. Really, my costume doesn't have anything to do with the story since the film's not even out yet, buuuut the makeup and hair will be totally inspired by it. I think I'm going to wear my high-waisted super tight American Apparel tap shorts with either a long-sleeved see-through lace shirt (the front isn't see-through, though, no worries) or a black lace tank with silver rhinestones and a lace pattern (done with makeup) on my chest. Aaaand some somewhat comfy, yet still quite tall, heels on top of a pair of either metallic black or silver tights. And maybe some gloves. Makeup will be super fun:
  
• On actual Halloween, I think I'll be the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Or maybe I'll do that for my birthday party. Meh, who knows. Lots of colors, a sideways hat, baggy crazy pants and jacket, crazy shoes. Fun!

This is what it feels like.

The (newly titled due to his pseudo-postcard) Fuckentucky Mix from myself sent to Eric as he finishes his AD-ing in Kentucky. On a farm. In the middle o' nowhere. Where I am not.

Anyways:

1. The Archies - Sugar Sugar
2. Sugarplum Faeries - All I Want Is You (U2 cover)
3. Shlomo - Spoons (Shigeto Mix)
4. Teengirl Fantasy - Hollywood Hills
5. The Crystal Method - Come Back Clean (ATLAS Remix)
6. Caribou - Odessa
7. Anticon - Pity Party People Interlude
8. Leslie Feist - Lover's Spit
9. Caspa - Victoria's Secret ft. D1
10. Yours truly singing and playing "Misty"...I cannot even say how much I didn't want to put this on here buuut let's be vulnerable, shall we?
11. LCD Soundsystem - New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down
12. Emily Reo - Car (Built to Spill cover)
13. The Beatles - Do You Want to Know a Secret?
14. The Cure - Friday I'm In Love
15. Mr. Oizo & Gaspard Auge - Rubber (Flying Lotus Unprotected Sex Remix)
16. Friendly Fires - Strangelove (Depeche Mode cover)
17. Rusko - Forever
18. Pink Floyd - Speak to Me - Breathe
19. Cat Stevens - Wild World
20. WHY? - Afterschool America

I'm on set this weekend (including as I write this), but don't have it tomorrow because we're finishing a day early (!!!), yet this definitely makes today feel like a Sunday rather than a Saturday. Next Thursday, Eric comes back, but he probably will only be back for a day and not completely home til the 20th. Which is a bummer. But it was be nice when he does come back for good; I've been 800 times needier since he left a month ago.

My right eye has had something in it all fucking day and it's really painful. I look like I have pink eye but I can seriously feel the something-or-other lurking on/under/around my contact, but have tried everything + have had zero luck on fixing it. For shame.

My birthday is in 3 weeks and I am so excited, fuuuuck. I desperately want a Nikon D3000, and I miiight have enough to get one. That weekend is going to be fantastic, I think. Halloween always goddamned is. Almost always, I suppose. But how perfect is it that my birthday falls on a Friday and Halloween's a Sunday? It's perfect. I love it. Mreow.