She calls it an addiction; I just call it a friend.

I think I'll start writing in this again. Gina has been and she mentioned it the other day, and I thought about how little I'll be doing over the summer and the appeal of blogging once more, haha. I've done so poorly this semester. Shame on me. I am hoping I can raise my GPA next year and senior year, but...gah, well, let's just hope my LSATS will be incredible. Hope hope hope.

The past five months have been absurd. Overcrowded and overdone, this has been the period of my life where everything 2009 and backwards is "The Before" and everything 2010 is "The After" and it entirely split. I will not say I've grown up a ton this year, because that's probably not true. I became quite mature for my age as of around 13 years old (when another split of "Before This" and "After This" happened), but I don't think I've changed nearly as much as a normal person does since then.

No, I am still the same whining child, desperate for a hand to hold hers while checking underneath the bed and in the closets. I am still hopelessly needy and I don't know why. I want to be different so badly; I have tried and I am trying, but when results aren't evident, nobody will believe that. And maybe I need to change my tactics, but that's happened multiple times and things always end the same. Every single time. It's just a sick cycle through years or months or days, and I can't shake it.

I'm back in NY now, and will be for a bit. Quite a bit has changed here and not all for the better, but some is pretty solid. I am determined not to get upset about the things and the people I won't change, and so far (two days, woo), so good.

My last couple o' days in Orange consisted of:

Wine, of course, given to me by Zak at 3am on Wednesday.

A frightening (well, not frightening for Greg and I, but clearly
it got the desired reaction from these lovely ladies hehe)
movie at our place with Greg, Heidi, and Gina.

Myself, Gina, and Greg, who is graduating. Bummer.
But I will be living with Gina, and that's fantastic, so this is a happy photo.


Ihop with the Sheehaninator for cheesecake pancakes.

A new tattoo. It's Saul Williams/Sylvia Plath based.

Elizabeth drunkenly yelling and dancing with me.

About as drunk as these ladies get. Oh wait, that 70s party...

THE FINAL RAGE?!

The last person I said g'bye to.

Hello, New York.
It's a shame I almost didn't come home this year.

If at first you don't succeed, run.

Judge all you want, ladies and gentlemen.

Because you never did become an astronaut.

When I'm in airports, I feel alone, and I like it most of the time. I almost instantaneously start doing different accents (usually a southern one) when wandering the airport.

Some older fellow just took a photo of me and then smiled. That's weird.

My first flight from Syracuse to Detroit, I passed out entirely. In Detroit's airport, I passed out again. On my flight from Detroit to Salt Lake City, I either slept or talked to the guy next to me who was surprisingly nice and talkative. He's moving to Sacramento. I sometimes (i.e. most of the time) wish I didn't live in Orange and instead, up in northern CA. I was jealous--though, he is moving to Sacramento and that's the Albany/Cortland sort of area of northern CA, in my opinion.

I'm now in Salt Lake City (SL,UT) and waiting for my flight to Orange, finally. Eric's picking me up, albeit reluctantly.

Nobody's at the house for the next few weeks, so I don't really know if I'm gonna want to stay there every day. Boredom sucks and I get terrified at night when nobody's home sometimes. Tommy might stay at the house for a week or so, which would alleviate my worries haha. Today, I believe I'm hanging out with Eric for a bit and then maybe Mike and Zak, depending on whether or not they end up getting back when they planned. Tomorrow's Monday, right? And then Tuesday, I have my first 5 1/2 hour class. Life is G.

Last night, I got my new tattoo with Eddie at Scarab. Then, I went to Panda's house (every time it's the last time for a while that I'll be there, I get so sad) and we hung out and watched Law & Order and talked a whole bunch. Eddie came over a little while later, we went back to my house and eventually, James and Kari ( :] ) came over. We intended on going to Weggy's really early but instead, I packed with Kari while Panda and Eddie slept and then got so tired that I needed a little nap. Panda and Eddie slept on one half of the couch and Kari and I slept on the other, and I didn't want to wake up. But eventually, I did, and the roads were so bad that I almost said "fuck it" and wanted to just pretend I had gone back to Orange but secretly stay in NY.

Tattoo:

SN package!

Steel Navel shipped my order Monday and it got here today. Oh, postal service, thanks for being fast! :D Anyways, the plugs I bought are BEAUTIFUL. I especially love the sky blue color; it glows wonderfully in sunlight.

Gorilla Glass Single Flare Sky Blue, 10mm:


GG SF Cobalt, 7/16":


GG SF Cobalt bulletholes, 1/2":


And just for funsies:

Steel Navel

So on the 6th, I put in plugs that are the next gauge larger (00g/9mm) and they slid in incredibly easily. I'm so confused as to why people think stretching is supposed to hurt. The word is "stretching," not "shoving things into my earz to make them larger" or "jamming in large jewelry." And then there are the people who call them "gauges" or "spacers" (lololol) or wtfever their minds come up with. Jewelry = plugs, tunnels, etc. (not "gauges"), gauge = the size of the jewelry, stretching = the act of making your piercing larger over time (not "gauging"). It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes knowledge of what you're doing to your body rather than just buying some acrylic shitty talons (or worse, tapers with o-rings) at Hot Topic and shoving them through your ears until they're larger. Sigh, anyways...my ears are at a 00g. They're already loose, which is odd but kind of awesome because I'm realizing how quickly my ears self-stretch just by the weight of the plugs and the weird ear-pulling habits I have, haha.

00g/9mm:


A nude of my ear:




Aaand I just ordered these:


Obviously, these aren't my ears (or the sizes I got). They're just examples of the colors I bought. I got 00g (10mm) in Sky Blue (usually $28, got them for $7) and 7/16ths in Cobalt Blue (the darker one) (usually $28, got them for $7). And I got the Cobalt Blue bulletholes (usually $28, I got them for $14) that are in the second row in 1/2" which is my goal size, kind of. I mean, I'm debating going to 5/8" but...who knows how I'll feel? Ah well, I'm stoked to get my order soon! :D


I also got (from gaugetrade):
Trans purple Kaos eyelets in 7/16" (again, these aren't my ears, they're just examples of the products). These are usually $12-$21 and I got them fo' FREE! :D


These wooden plugs with a red heart inlay in 7/16"! :D They're usually $24 or so and I got them for $4. Amazing. I'm so excited for these. They look like this but with a red heart:

They're the ones on the far right:


Alltogether, I spent $32 (+$1 shipping, haha). I saved $88-97 on products that should've been $120 at the very least. WTF AWESOME!

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding.

Small rant:
Now, I'm all for the "your body is your body" policy. I think people should do whatever the hell they want with their bodies provided they're not hurting other people around them. After all, what's the point of having a brain that dictates your actions if you cannot make your own decisions regarding them?

However, as shallow as this comes across, I feel like ranting. I am getting more and more irritated with the amount of horribly executed and horribly thought-out tattoos that I've seen. Poorly done tribal flash, pseudo-Sailor Jerry stuff (on people who have no idea who Sailor Jerry was), ugly snakes and butterflies and flowers and fucking sparrows, quotes from shitty bands and "Twilight" and all that...Sorry, kids, but do you really believe that in 10 years, you're still going to love that same kid you're only elated to be with because he didn't dump you after you got preggers? Doubtful. Do you really think that Underoath song lyric is going to ~*describe yo lyfe*~ past sophomore year of college (although you should be shot if you still like Underoath and you're over 15, y/y?) I'm guessing that's a no. And fucking seriously, is that hideous flower or that semi-solid, 25-cent-temp-tattoo tribal worth any amount of money to put on your lower back? Probably not.

Now, I wholeheartedly believe that people should also think about the present just as much as the future. People have told me that I'll hate my earlobes stretched when I'm older but I view it as a permanent modification and, though I strongly doubt I'll change my mind due to the vast amount of beautiful jewelry that comes along with this, if I ever do want to go back to my regular-sized lobes, I have options. Piercings are great provided they're done well and you research them beforehand. Tattoos, though, are far (FAR) more difficult to get rid of if you realize you don't want them any longer. More painful and more frustrating and extremely preventable. Dear folks: there is almost no situation where a Twilight tattoo is personal or interesting unless you happened to write the fucking book. Just sayin'.

Also, I recently read an article by somebody on bmezine about copying tattoos. Essentially, the person used the excuse that imitation = flattering and that it's not "copying;" it's being "inspired by" someone else's art. I would never copy somebody else's tattoo on purpose. I mean, if I had the same idea as somebody else before I saw theirs, I wouldn't feel guilty about getting it, but I think straight up copying is fairly wrong and inexcusable. But I guess that's just my opinion, yadda yadda, I'm a moral tool.

On another note, I'm going to Jersey to visit my paternal side of the family, particularly my grandparents. My grandfather's getting pretty senile and, as my father so often reminds me, we don't know how much longer he has left. It worries me because I know my grandmother will be so, so sad when it happens. Or vice versa. Gah, I don't even want to think about it.

On a slightly happier note, my ears are now happily at 9mm.

Sunset is an all day process.

Decisions: I make odd ones. That is unrelated, but not irrelevant.

I'm home now. It's 4:49 AM and jet lag is annoying (it feels like 1:49, which is still late, I s'pose, but not really for me). My dad picked me up at the airport, we picked up Panda, and she and I hung out all night. It was really nice and I'm fucking stoked on this summer. Om nom nom, there will be BAKED GOODS. And tits. Everywhere.

I went to the airport yesterday to come home; Delta fucked up and I couldn't until today. So instead, I watched horror movies with David all day Sunday (and some of Saturday). Some bad, some good. Three...Extremes, Washingtonians (MoH), Tooth & Nail (8 FTDF), The Damned Thing (MoH), The Blair Witch Project (kehkeh, still gave me a nightmare, oddly enough), The Screwfly Solution (MoH), Dream Cruise (MoH)...probably more but I can't remember now. Screwfly Solution had good ideas but a nonlinear, irritatingly bad storyline. Three...Extremes is really fantastic; I've seen it before but never watched "Box" (the Takashi Miike one - I think I love every movie I've seen of his) and I fucking adored it. It's beautiful and subtle, high context and so harsh. I really love it.

You're rich but I'm free.

Dream Cruise, The Washingtonians, The Damned Thing...all terrible. Some Masters of Horror films are awesome (Imprint, Jenifer, and Cigarette Burns). Some are pretty decent (The Fair-Haired Child, Sick Girl, Family, Pro-Life, Incident On & Off A Mountain Road). And some are fucking horrendous (these previously stated ones along with Chocolate, Deer Woman...probably others). Meh, ah well. The ones that are incredible are genuinely fantastic and worth seeing. Cigarette Burns is one of my favorite movies, period. I think it's pretty ingeniously done and it genuinely scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it. Highly recommended if you actually like horror and the idea of horror films affecting people strongly.

Saturday night, I went to Leslie's and said bye to some people who graduated as well as some people I just won't see the rest of the summer. I got a bit drunk. Understatement. Before I got that drunk, I ran into a door. My nose still hurts but it's kind of funny (now). It was a good time, though. Went to Sad House after. I can't wait to move in. I love preparing for shit and I've already decided how I'm sewing my curtains, pillowcases, etc. and that I'll have a queen size mattress, a record player, and a nice little wood desk. Anyways, precious moment that night:

Trevor, me, and Nathan. Precious.

I'm hopefully getting scarification this summer. The backs of my legs are begging for it. The cuttings (or, perhaps, I might just do red ink so it's permanently red) will look like these pictures (I haven't decided on a definite one, yet):

(Obviously, there will be less detail if it's a cutting.) I'm stoked. I'm definitely getting some text with them; either cursive, red text underneath in Spanish or another short Times New Roman literary quote nearby.

Atlas In Love

I wrote a poem called "Atlas In Love" a few weeks ago. In my poetry class, we discussed how the sing-song quality of "Daddy" by Sylvia Plath creates a stark (in my opinion, at least) contrast with the content. I realized that that's exactly what the poem I wrote does; it consistently rhymes and has a distinct, clear rhythm. It's quick, simple, and has just four short stanzas. If you want to read it, let me know. It's in an awkward stage because I've read it so many times to myself to fix shit that it's starting to get on my nerves and I almost don't like it as much anymore. Meh, anyways...

I'm here with Heidi listening to Dillon/Eric's radio show in the basement. I'm attempting to work. That's kind of a lie; I'm more just eating muffins and doing this and buying plugs online. I have an addiction to looking at plugs, seriously. Frozen Fire...sigh. All I want is trans red with teal dichro or possibly orange on orange or lime on yellow. Ugh. So beautiful. But I told myself I won't buy any dichro or customs until after I make it to a half inch so that way I won't get antsy. I'm looking for some nice 00g glass to stretch with; my 0g ones are getting loose, which is insane because they've only been at 0g for about a month and a half/two months. I sleep without them sometimes and wear Kaos a lot to make sure they're not being weighed down, but they continue to self-stretch rapidly. Ah well. I'm hoping to get some Gorilla Glass black solids or some honey bulletholes. Sexy.

In other news:

Advice Dog always delivers.

You didn't just switch teams; you left the game.

Goals for the next year or so:

1. Stop being so co-dependent on other people.
2. Write as much as possible. Hopefully, work up confidence to submit things.
   
3. Stop accommodating everyone around me regardless of how it makes me feel.
4. See WHY? live.
   
5. Successfully move into Sad/Glad House
6. Start dreads once my hair is about two inches longer than it is now.
7. Lose approximately 10 to 15 pounds.
8. Get a damn job or at least work on enough sets that I can pay for shit with the money from them.
9. Get a Filbert. If you don't know what that is, please see this article and this picture.
10. Have a fairly large collection of 1/2" plugs (and etc. such stuff).
11. Work on confidence issues, anxiety, etc.
12. Start side pieces, hopefully be done with at least the outlines.

And some other shit I can't write here.

Perceptions are mangled, matted, and knotted anyway.

Picture me: I swirl like the wind
tempting tomorrow to be today,
tiptoeing the fine line
between everything and everything else.

The past few weeks have been a complete fucking mess with a lot of great shit and a lot of really, really unfortunate shit. Actually, the word "unfortunate" isn't accurate because so much of it has been my own fault.

I won't elaborate because, to be completely honest, I don't have the energy. I'm fasting for at least the next week. I want to get to know my body better and try to understand my dependency on food. I over-eat too often and rarely even realize I'm doing it. I've gained weight since last semester and I look really awkward. A few people that have known me since fall have said that they can't tell, but that's most likely because I dress in a way that doesn't show off the areas I hate. If I dress all stereotypical-teen-girl-in-southern-California, I'd have short skirts, short shorts, etc. and some tight tank top all of the time, and they most certainly would be able to tell I've gained weight then. I'm almost 5'7", 138ish lbs. I'm on the heavier side of "normal." It's not like I want to be 115 lbs. again, I just want to fit all my clothes the way I did previously. I have no desire to be a size 4 again. I remember in 11th grade when I lost 25ish lbs.:
In a matter of month or two, I went from this:

150ish - August 2006.


I was probably 150 here - spring 2006.
(Yes, I had disgusting hair.)


145-150 - February 2006, I think.

To this:

I think I was 120/118 in this one - October 2006.


I was about 125 here - November 2006.


125ish - October 2006.


Primarily because I didn't feel like eating anymore. It wasn't an anorexia-noneating-type thing, it was a literal feeling of sickness when I ate too much or, sometimes, anything at all. I mean, I still ate, I just...exercised a shit load alone. Anyways, I'm trying to lose weight again for reasons I stated in a previous entry. Currently, my figure looks like this:






Also, just in the event that someone's an idiot (or just misunderstanding my motives): this is not a ploy for attention. This isn't some sort of pseudo-cry for help where I just want someone to rescue me from my oh-so-negative self image. I actually generally like how I look, I just want to be considerably healthier, know my body better, and not feel so fucking exhausted all of the time. This would be a good thing.

Oh, and I got my nostrils re-pierced:

No man is an island,
but I often feel alone
so I find peace through OHM.