In the past 2 days...

• Eric came back to socal for one night. We went to dinner with Trevor, Nate, and Sarah. I left the next day and so did he.
• On a spur of the moment decision, I went to a little warehouse party with Rocco, Bruhners, Sun, and Mike + girls. Had a fun time but got a bit sick towards the end. Listened to excellent music on the way home, though, and that made everything so much better. Watched A Cross the Universe and then went home, passed out hard.
• Got lunch (well, Jamba Juice) with those fellahs then watched a bunch of music videos while listening to Romborama.
• Got a text from my dad saying that my grandfather had died.
• Talked to Mateo for a bit.
• Couldn't stop crying. Ended up driving over to the 70s House.
• Josie and Katie got me sunflowers, a bunch of Hershey Kisses, and wine. Josie made me a really lovely tray of bacon (in a heart shape), avocado slices, and Kisses (also in a heart). It was seriously so lovely. They listened and hugged me and were just so fantastic to have there.
  Isn't it adorable?!
  
• We ended up drinking a bunch of Grey Goose once Bryan, Charlie, Dave, Jacob, Shervin, etc. came. A lots of wine. And played Jenga. And cheersing to my grandfather, which made me feel wonderful that they were so kind about it.
• Pascal made dinner and it was damn delicious.
• Bryan drove me home and, on the way, he got me a blue slushie (my absolute favorite edible thing besides avocado). Not gonna lie, at that point, I almost cried because I feel all sorts of lucky to have such lovely friends.
• I actually felt better, which I wasn't expecting (only because I generally don't feel better when I drink). Everybody was so supportive and just so sweet and caring...I am a lucky gal.
• I didn't eat for around 32 hours between Friday afternoon and late last night, and so when I drank I got really drunk and felt super ill. And now I'm hungover as fuck and don't have anybody to cuddle with.
• Also, considering how amazingly sunny and hot it is 99% of the time here, it's interesting that yesterday and today have been chilly and wet.

I feel lucky to have such awesome friends. And I feel hungry but I don't want to eat again. I just want my body to go into ketosis again and I won't eat until Hard Halloween so I can look fucking awesome in my costume and dance for 8 hours straight and then perhaps some more. This is all I want. That, and maybe the pack of cigarettes I left at their house last night.

But if you wanna leave, take good care.

Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to my grandfather in Jersey who's extremely sick, and it sucked because I'm leaving for CA and won't be back until Christmas, and I don't know if today is the last time I'll see him. It just...blows my mind. And blows. I know it's my own fault for choosing to go to school as far away as possible (yet still be in the continental United States), for which I had my reasons, but one of the biggest downsides to that is, in the event of a family or other emergency, I can't just drive 2 hours or 6 hours or 10 hours home. I would have to pay $450 dollars to fly home, which would take at least a day of travel and lots of arrangements. It sucks and I feel so helpless.

After we drove 5.5 hours home to Syracuse, I decided to make myself feel better and went shopping with Manda--yeah yeah, retail therapy = lame but I really didn't feel like working out and I really needed new shorts. And rings...

My haul:

• 
  Beige shorts
• 
  Gray high-waisted skirt
• 
  2-finger key ring, 5 colorful rings a pig connector ring (seriously cute)
  
• 
  Braided belt
• 
  This gorgeous "antique brooch curtain tie" (Gina you should totally get one!) for $5 that goes perfectly with the room scheme I'll be doing (Tiffany Blue + chocolate)
• 
  Long tank tops in black and in tan (each were $2.90, awesome!)
  
• 
  Lace back long-sleeved shirt - perfect for me! :)
  
• 
  Floral bandeau top ($2.80) which will most likely look absurd on my larger-than-this-bitch b00bz
  
• 
  Blue sweater
• 
  Red bodysuit ($3.50...ridiculous)
  
• Silver falsies (79 cents, also ridiculous)
  
• 75% off Victoria's Secret running hoodie (it was originally $40, woohoo!)

And just about all of it was on sale. I love this shit. I sort of wish I had the desire to be a stylist so I could just shop and shop and shop...

Unique New York

Significant things that happen (whether definite or possible) prior to 2011:

• I turn 21 on October the 29th. I would love to go to Vegas but I sort of doubt this (though it does fall on a Friday...), so maybe I'll just do the Paul's-District-whatever thing, drink 'til I'm sick, and then have a dinner party the next night. Either way.
• I move into a new apartment with new people.
• I will [hopefully] be down to 118 or so in regards to my weight.

This week has been more uncomfortable than usual. I sleep for 8-9 hours and I wake up and feel like it's been days since I rested. When I sleep 4 hours a night, I feel tired the next day but at least I get shit done with my extra awake time. Needless, restless sleep.

I am never able to be happy. Why? Mostly because I'm impatient. Impatient people are never happy. I drive so slowly, though, because I don't want to die, but I still wish everything around me would move a little faster. I still wish everyone near me would move closer so I don't have to; I wish everyone would take the chances that I don't want to.

I simultaneously find everyone unattractive and perfect.

Last night, I dreamed so many things that it frightens me; my head is so fucking confusing sometimes. Here's the ones I can remember at the moment.

Dreams:

• A man's wife had had a child while he was in prison. The baby's name started with an S. It was shot in retaliation for him doing something while in jail. He then had a son after getting out of jail. First he tried to be normal and well-adjusted. Then he went crazy, I think, and went after the people who killed his daughter.
• I was in a yellow doctor's office. Three people had come with me, but I can't remember who besides my mother. The other two left the room and she stayed while the doctor did tests on me. I don't know what they were testing besides if they were trying to see if I was crazy or not. I overheard the doctor say something like, "It's true: if things keep going the way they are, the entire state of Rhode Island will be completely deserted." So, they were trying to find people to program and send there, or something like that. I recall thinking about real estate as soon as she said that. The tests made my body convulse and they had strapped me to the (green?) table. I was screaming. My mom was only mildly alarmed but I didn't want her to stop them. Later, I could see Kareem Sayid (yes, from Oz) in the middle of prayer over a child on a (yellow?) patient's bed/table, but on a boat, and a few doctors demanded of him (at gunpoint, no less) that test the child.
• Heidi and I were about to go to a party. I hadn't seen her in two months and things were moderately normal. It was a broken down house. The tablecloths were mostly sprayed newspaper. I started to wonder and almost asked what's going on with her (ahem) and then I just decided to leave; it wasn't worth it.
• I was pregnant and living with a boyfriend. We had a room similar to my parents' but it was in a very broken down old building, though our room was okay. I had thought I was painting it Tiffany's Blue (like I will actually paint my new apartment IRL!) but it came out once I painted it like an odd green. It seemed I had only painted the wall the head of the bed was against and right underneath it, though I debated painting the wood parts of the bed. My baby-daddy boyfriend got all upset at the fact that it was green, yelling: "My son is going to sleep in here; how the fuck are you gonna paint it green?" I tried to explain and started borderline crying.
• There was a gang truce going on between the Latinos and the Irish (can you tell that I've been really into Oz lately...?). Somebody wanted to start shit and started running around, telling the Latinos that the Irish were going to attack and somebody warned the Irish (who were, oddly enough, in the middle of a strip poker game in a basement and the only naked people were three girls about my age). I can't recall anything after that.

There were others, but I can't recall them anymore.

Some photos from most recent to least. I'll post the ones from this 4th of July weekend tomorrow.

James and I at Onondaga Lake

Sometimes the sky is extra amazing.

I'm in love with this little dress thing.

Dress - H&M, $15

Purse - H&M, $5

Hat - H&M, $5

5/8" Ebony shields (in my ears) - GT, $25

Shoes - My mother's

I took this of James when we visited LHS

Bad actors with bad habits

My biffle Manda and I on her bed

She got a new piercing! It's a lovely surface bar

from Scarab Body Arts in Syracuse, NY.

FRENCH.

Manda being beautiful.

I make delicious cake (it was a 2 layer strawberry

cake with fresh strawberries inside the cake

along with fluffy chocolate buttercream frosting,

in case you were wondering).

Toby, me, Ryan after Ichibans + N64 a few weeks ago.

Your face never forget a cry.

"...then everything turned into a succession of concrete acts and proper nouns and verbs, or pages from an anatomy manual scattered like flower petals, chaotically linked."

10 Things
1) Friday night, I dreamed I was having sex. I haven't the fainted idea who I was sleeping with or what it was like, though, because all I recall is turning to my left and looking in a small round mirror. My face was completely different: I had golden blonde ringlets past my chin and my face was rounder with a receding, yet still double, chin. I recall my thoughts during the dream, which were along the lines of, "I really thought I looked different..." and then thought about photos of my real, IRL face...but in my dream, I imagined that my real, IRL face was from a dream. And my face in this dream was really quite odd and awkwardly shaped, so I was sort of sad that I looked the way I did...overall, very confusing.

2) I now weigh 128.5 or so. Fucking finally. After running most days and being pretty good with my diet, it finally paid off and I've lost about 7 pounds in the past month since I returned from school. NY = healthy for my body, haha.

3) I did Manda's makeup yesterday and then we took like 8 million photos, and it was really, really fun. I'll post a few, they're friggin cute. Some are NSFW but you won't see those, anyways.

4) While reciting a fair amount of my romantic history during a recent phone call, I realized the huge amount of Fail I have managed to accumulate over the course of the past 5 years. Jesus titty fucking Christ, I don't know how I fuck up as often as I do, but apparently, I'm excellent at it. If there's anything I'm good at, it's self-sabotage. There's a reason that I can't listen to 15% of the songs I really, really love, and it's because they remind me too much of the foolish/terrible/dumb-as-fuck things I've done and the people I've hurt or those who have hurt me. I'm excellent, eh? Certain WHY? songs are off-limits unless I want to get bummed out for hours, all Explosions in the Sky makes my stomach hurt, "Counting Backwards" practically makes me vomit even thinking about...fantastic. Seriously. High five, Sam.

4.5) I don't know how I convince people I'm sane. Or maybe they're never really convinced. I've been told by fellows in the past that that's "part of my appeal," which is fucking hilarious considering it's definitely unappealing in a hell of a lot of ways, as well. It's always going to be a pitfall. My irrationality and my impatience will always lead to rockyness, and then one day, they always wake up and say, "Is it really worth it...?" and then they wait around for a while until I turn total batshit. Some stay, some go. If they stay, I find a way to make them go (let's be honest: I probably secretly want to be alone forever). Happy ever after, baby.

5) I have been sleeping like a normal person the past two days. Shit's so whack and confusing.

6) Beck's "Lost Cause."

7) It's so pretty and rainy outside. My makeup is like Gwyneth Paltrow's in The Royal Tenenbaums. James & I drove around and got cigarettes and discussed banging people for an hour. Then we drank tea and talked about how much we want to lose weight. It was productive.

8) Sometimes (right this moment, actually) my room goes from sunny to flooded with such lovely, warm, intense sunlight. It's almost too perfect. My mom painted my room a very sunny yellow after I left for California the first time, and put up pink cute curtains. It's perfect and makes me feel better every day.

9) Nice new friends are cause for nice new feelings. I should probably throw away the stale, sad thoughts that were cluttering the insides of my head back in May. I think it's time, isn't it?

10) I feel guilty for things I haven't done, for some reason. Perpetually guilty. I think I must be terrible to be with. Mohammad has said that I'm a "muse" for people, which is funny because I think the only thing I inspire people to do is off themselves or run. I can't imagine why anybody would want to be with me. Most people come with a carry-on and a small suitcase of baggage; I bring a moving van and the boxes of ex-lovers past.

In any case, anyways, nevertheless: I'm always right.

Boot Camp

Bootcamp!
So, the week before I go back to CA (in late July), Manda, James, and I are doing a 7-day VIP trial at Gold's Gym. Pretty much, we can do whatever we want in the gym fo' free for 7 days. I've been trying to figure out exactly how to maximize our mini-memberships in order to utilize lots of gym time, lots of pool time, and lots of class time. So far, my own person schedule may look like:

Monday

• 8 - 9am--> WillPower & Grace
• 10 - 11 --> Group Ride
• 1:30 - 2:30 --> Swim laps
• 2:45 - 3 --> Spa
• 3 - 4 --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
  

Tuesday

• 5:45 - 6:45am --> Group Ride
• 9 - 10 --> WillPower & Grace
• 12 - 1:30pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 1:45 - 2:30 --> Free swim
• 5:15 - 6:30 --> Group Power
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Zumba
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Group Center

Wednesday

• 9:15 - 10:15am or 10:30 - 11:30am --> Aqua Fit
• 9 - 10 --> Group Ride
• 10:30 - 11:30 --> Swim
  
• 5:30 - 6:30pm --> Spinning
• 7:30 - 8:30pm --> Group Kick (the one I'm most excited for!)
  

Thursday

• 5:45 - 6:45am --> Group Ride
• 9 - 10 --> Cardio Sculpt
• 10:30 - 11:45 --> Swim + Spa
  
• 12 - 12:45pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 4:30 - 5:30 or 6:30 - 7:30 --> Zumba
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Pilates
  

Friday

• 9 - 10am --> Group Ride
• 9:15 - 10:15 or 10:30 - 11:30 --> Aqua Fit
• 12 - 1pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 5:30 - 6:30pm --> Group Groove
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Yoga

Saturday

• 6 - 7am --> Group Ride
• 7:30 - 8:15 --> Swim + Spa
  
• 9 - 10 --> Group Step
• 3 - 5pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
  

Sunday

• 7:30 - 8:30am --> Group Ride
• 8 - 9 --> Aqua Fit
• 8:30 - 9:30 --> Power Jam
• 10:30 - 11:30 --> Zumba
• 3 - 5pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.

Realistically, of course, I won't end up doing all of this. But I want to do at least 50%-75% of the stuff I've listed. I need to kick my own ass back into shape. It's 5:33am right now and I'm about to run. Later!

Names and Words I Don't Like

For some reason, I really hate certain words. Some, I hate hearing from 99% of people because the words make me so sick to listen to or say. I also hate quite a few names, whether it's because there are far too many shitty people associated with them or just because they sound odd/unfortunate/icky to me.

Names

• Ashley (oh my god, I cannot express to you how much I hate this name)
• Christine
• Sabina
• Terri
• Jesse
• Luke
• Angela
• Derek
• Rebecca
• Devon
• Aiden (seriously, hipsters and everyone else: stop naming your fucking kids Aiden; it's not that awesome)
• Barbara
• Elizabeth

Words

• cookie
• Thursday
• food
• other
• meal
• a word that rhymes with "art"
• a word that rhymes with "shoop"
• retard
• chill
• smell
• unnecessary
• slick
• bush
• bubbles

And, just to bright things up, names and words I love:

• crisp
• Liam
• Chloe
• lovely
• kitten
• ubiquitous
• Wendy
• cerulean
• bears
• things
• darling
• ginger
• translucent
• lush
• spacious

Starry-eyed

O rly, random Tumblr dashboard post?

I wish that it was impossible to care about somebody unless they cared about you. Like, your mind would not physically cooperate and let you have any emotions towards another person if he or she didn't give a damn about you in the same manner. But alas, I think that just makes our minds more inclined to enjoy that person's company, or lack thereof.

I am so angry with myself for destroying so much of what I had because I had a fucking hunch that things would work out. I was so used to being mutually loved that I didn't understand how, if I started a new relationship, that somebody I loved might not love me back. I mean, why the hell would you be with a person if you didn't love them, right? Welcome to 2009 Sam's magical logic that demolished any assemblance of what I had as a life prior to things changing. Over the course of a few months, I switched from being somebody who had (1)a certain future (2)somebody who loved them unconditionally (3)everything I needed in terms of support and time and became somebody--by choice, no less--who had (1)no security for future plans (2)a sort-of-boyfriend who wasn't even sure if they wanted to be in a relationship with young-and-psychotic-Sam in the first place (3)next to no support because I was terrified that if I asked for it, I'd be seen as needy (which, of course, I am) and would be rejected for that.

So, in conclusion, ladies & gentlemen:

Do not ever destroy what is a good and certain thing for what is not a sure thing, no matter how lovely you think things may turn out. Because it probably won't. Because if you are lucky enough to have somebody that loves you, you should probably just stay put because it is doubtful that you'll find that again for a long, long time, if ever.

But I will note that I only half regret my actions, because it would be irresponsible of me not to say so. I only regret them in retrospect because right now, I'm not feeling so positive about my choices, but when they were happening, I would've told anybody who doubted me that I knew exactly what I was doing (and I think I did?) and that things would be fine.

But people are so fickle; they fall in love at different angles.

This is an entry about my now-platonic ex-boyfriend who is awesome. So if you think that's weird, stop reading. But Manda and I were discussing him after we dropped him off earlier, so I've decided to write about him because Tim, to be honest, is a severely fascinating person, and we have a weird history.

So last night, Tim came over and it was the first time I'd seen him in 5 months. We wnt on the playground near my house, talked for a long time and watched the sunset (which was BOMB, wow). Then Manda met up with us at my house and we went to Wegmans. Tim, my most resourceful friend--this kid seriously got to California to visit me and back to NY via train hopping and hitchhiking without almost any money--now has food stamps. So he offered to get Manda and I some groceries, which was really lovely of him. I made dinner at my house and we ate the aforementioned veggie pulled "pork" sandwiches + low calorie waffles on the kitchen floor. :)

We made a fire in the fire pit and it was really, really nice. It was just like 9th grade again when I was dating Tim and Manda, him, myself, and (shudder) Nicole/Megan/etc. hung out. Seriously, we had some rad times with Tim. Like the time David and I broke up and so Tim walked like five miles to my house, listened to me cry (on that same playground) for like an hour, then he peed on Justin's house because Justin was a douchebag to Manda that night, we went back to Manda's with Kelsey as well (none of us three could drive at this point in 2007) and I cried some more.

But he listened, because he is the only ex-boyfriend I've had with whom there weren't any weird complications with, or hard feelings. I mean, I was pissed when we broke up--he was my first "serious" relationship or whatever, but we dated more than five years ago so things aren't exactly volatile anymore. Plus, we totally still love each other in the most friend way possible and I'm just stoked that I have one of those "normal" ex-relationship-friendships for once, rather than the (1)"I-still-want-to-get-back-together-so-this-really-sucks" friendship or the (2)"fuck you, you piece of shit" friendship or the (3)"seriously, Tom, I might just send somebody to run you over" friendship. In any case, Timmy is rad, and he still laughs when I pull out the, "WELL YOU BROKE UP WITH ME JERKFACE!" card (which, I swear, is always for the lulz and in no way a sensitive topic). I'm just...stoked that I still have a fellow who isn't resentful towards me and isn't trying to bone. It's sweet.

Manda and I have watched Tim:

• Drink upwards of 4 forties numerous times starting at age 14 (even though he lied and said he was 2 years older for the next three years).
• Be in at least 4 punk bands.
• Wear a tutu in exchange for a fedora. And let me put him in makeup multiple times.
• Eat meat. Then became vegan for four years. Then started eating meat again like a month ago.
• Publicly pee on our ex-boyfriends' houses.
• Live with my douchiest ex in a collective house on Westcott, and in one night, hit on both of us (alcohol was involved, of course).
• Wear the tightest pants imaginable. EVER. And he fit into my size 1 pants from 9th grade.
• Hardly shower but still remain quite attractive.
• Stretch his septum to 0g (that is 8mm, mind you: half the size of my lobes) and then suddenly decide it wasn’t cool anymore.
• Argue about politics more times than I can count.
• Stop listening to Agnostic Front and start listening to post-rock and indie (wtf).
• Get a facial tattoo (four dots on his nose).
• Quit drinking cold turkey, go straight edge and get a damn straight edge tattoo. Right before I fucking turn 21.

A perfect example of typical Timothy: After Manda’s senior ball at her school that we went to with this kid Mike, she had a party at her house. Tim came over (and this is back when he still drank) and we were all hanging out with some other folks. Tim and Mike, who was joining the army and was a taaad bit racist, get into a massive argument about the war. 17-year-old Samantha (that is I, in 2007) decide to make them stfu by taking off my shirt and demanding they stop arguing. Mike stops arguing immediately. Tim keeps arguing. He has seen my b00bz before, it was apparently null and void and he continues to yell, “BUT SERIOUSLY, THAT’S NOT EVEN THEIR REAL MOTIVATIONS, MAN, LET’S DISCUSS THE OIL FACTOR…”

This is why we love Timmy. Now for photo-lulz in chronological order.

(Also, I was sort of a douchey mall goth when Tim and I met. Just a warning.)

The first time Timmy hung out at my house. He had been stealing a belt from a store
then he walked out of the store and his friend Arlen (who was meeting up with Manda that day
invited him to come because he knew Manda was bringing a friend (me). Tim came over to
Manda's, and I thought he fucking hated us. He came over later that night to my house, and
still thought he hated me. But Erica drove Arlen, Tim, and me to Syracuse to bring them home
and on the way back, Tim held my hand. It was friggin precious. We were dating within like 4 days, hahaha.

Manda and I maaaay have dressed Tim up a lot. But seriously: note the tight pants.

One of the first times we hung out since we broke up in 2005. I think this was taken in 2006.
I was obviously precious.

And he was willing to let Panda and I experiment on him.

Uh, back when Tim still drank (2007). He was sitting next to aforementioned Mike (ball date to Manda and I)
at BVille Diner. He had had a bit to drink. I bought him a dish of fruit because he was still vegan.
He passed out in it.

At my grandparents house in January 2009 over winter break from Chapman.

From the time when Tim hitchhiked/train-hopped dto visit me in CA last year
with his buddy Alex. They even visited the smoker's table. ;D

The facial tattoos!

And finally, the photos from tonight. :) Timmy + Manda!

Manda and I!

Timmayyy and I.

Oh, and look at the fucking sky from last night:

Oh, and I kinda wanna dye my hair black again. I look like a boy.

Ryan and I circa late 2007/early 2008.

Still one of my all-time favorites of Manda.

Also, don't assume because I wrote some big ol' entry about the kid that I'm into him or something. We're just buds. I frequently go on raving about Manda, Ryan, Gina, Heidi, etc. as well. I have no idea why I'm announcing something that silly in my blog, but...whatever, cheers.

No body; just a cage to hold your parts

I haven't written in a while, and with somewhat good reason. It's been such a busy past two weeks, and I sort of just want to calm down for a minute. But this weekend is the second part of "Canned Ecology" which means there won't really be calm as of yet. Maybe soon. I want to go camping in the next two weeks so fucking badly.

My birthday was last Thursday and it was really, really lovely. Heidi, Eric, and I drank a bit the night before, passed out, and when I woke up, I did some stuff for "Canned Ecology" while they prohibited me from getting out of bed as they were in the kitchen. When I came out, they had made a TON of fucking bacon and literally spelled out my name in bacon as well as made a bacon weave (!!!) and a blue omelet + toast. Shit was so bomb. Best breakfast ever.

After nomming the shit out of that bacon and essentially ingesting a heart attack, I re-blued my hair while they went to the store. After that, Heidi and I baked a ton of stuff and around some nice folks came over. It was super stellar. Ate lots of sushi, cheese, pumpkin pie, strawberry cupcakes (that Heidi decorated to look like my face, hahaha), and drank a hell of a lot of wine. Delicious. Post-dinner party, Heidi and I jetted to the radio room where we did BeezyTalk while the boys did stuff outside and Olivia hung with us. Then MoD happened, Dillon and Trevor DJ'd, shit was super fun, and we went to bed shortly after because I had set at goddamned 7 am.

All in all, very productive and lovely birthday.

The night before Halloween and Halloween both went something like: "Canned Ecology" set for 12 hours, short nap, dress up, go to costume parties. I went as a cracked out lumberjack hipster or something along those lines on the 30th-- that night, though, I was absolutely not in the mindset or mood for parties. I was pissed, miserable, and felt like shit from being awake all those hours. Halloween was better though, and we went to That 70s House for their party. It was really fun, we got pretty damn drunk, but I still managed to wake up for set the next day at fucking 7 AM.

On another note, I've been feeling slightly more antisocial than usual. And if one more person responds to that statement with, "Oh yeah, everybody burns out after freshman year for a bit, I know I did!" I will fucking scream. I know what "burning out" feels like [insert Jack Black motions a la "High Fidelity"] and I know that this isn't it. Over the past few years, I've consistently cared less and less about everyone being my friend (that's not to say I won't be friends with anybody, because I will with very little exception) and don't feel like remaining friends with anybody who doesn't put in much effort into the relationship. It just doesn't seem purposeful anymore.
"But, don't you realize that networking is what you're supposed to do in college?!"
Yes, dear imaginary questioner, I know that. And network I do. I make friendly acquaintances and friendly friends, but I do not get very close to most people because it's rarely a solid idea. I'm fine with having a few people that I can speak honestly with and share the near-full truth with.

At some point, I needed to feel great about being friends with a lot of people and rarely having anonymity, but during July 2007, I went to Ogunquit, ME and walked around for hours and hours and hours one day. Nobody knew me. Everything was free, and so was I. I turned my phone off, picked up my pen, and filled almost half a notebook between sunrise and sunset. I think that that summer was the turning point. During my senior year, I purposely tried to stop friendships I knew were one-sided or ones that bored me or ones that were with people I didn't actually enjoy being around. Once I got to college, I was pretty fucking closed off, then opened, then closed again and I don't really plan on "opening" back up any time soon. And why bother? I'm happy with the way things are in that regard, and whenever I'm trying to do too much or be around too many people, I'm fucking miserable and angry. That party on Friday just made me sickened. All I wanted to do was vom on their carpet, go home, and fall asleep. All the drunk tools trying to flirt with all the drunk girls in their pathetically trashy excuses for costumes, perusing up the skirts in the back corners of the rooms like nobody can see. Fuck that. I felt sick, and I just wanted to watch some goddamned movies with 1 to 4 people whose company I enjoy and cuddle and sleep.

Anyways, a few from the last week:

Part of a balanced breakfast!

Don't stab yourself, mister, the bacon is delicious.

Heidi, some fellah friends, and I

Purdy cute for a picture that involves me, Eric, and a piece of burned pizza.

SamCakes

That pumpkin pie was fucking badass.

Jeanie Jean lighting the candles while Mister Schwartz looks on

Blowing out candles.

Too many DJs. Ohhh.

I fully support the existence of this picture.

Excessive makeup and excessive earsies.


Creepy, creepier, & HEIDI

Quailman!

Heidi and I aka Superman and Quailman (a la "Doug")

Pascal & I


Aaand "Canned Ecology" set:
Lurking behind Dobbs

The funeral scene

Walking around the doctor's office in funeral clothes and a certain fellah's shoes because my boots were goddamned uncomfortable. And we apparently have the same size feet (I have giant feet for a girl). And they were black shoes, so regardless of style, they inherently go with a black dress [/lie].

It was fucking grandiose.