Showing posts with label sick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sick. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Well, everyone's sad.

Things that have happened since I returned:
  • I went running at 8:03 this morning because (1)I feel fat and (2)I can't sleep.
  • My mother told me I am no longer beautiful. But that there are things I can do to make me beautiful again. She didn't understand why I was upset.
  • I found the kick ass mug that I spent like 3 hours making for my mom for Christmas = holding her Sharpies in the far back on the top shelf of a random cupboard. Lovely.
  • Stepped on the scale and I now weigh 135. Fucking stellar. I'm 5'7" and I was about 129/130 until finals week happened.
  • The first thing my dad said when I returned, in typical fashion for my family, was "Hey Saman-...oh god, what have you done to your nose?" And then gave me a half-assed hug.
  • Mohammad completely blew us off yesterday. Rad! Excuse: He simply had to see the people he sees literally every day. James was right in his predictions; for shame, Memali. "Je t'aime," my ass.
  • I watched "Girl, Interrupted" for the first time in a few years and remembered why I don't watch it anymore.
I'm going to start exercising consistently again. Here's what I look like when I weigh more or less, by the way. I just hate gaining weight in my face and stomach. And I wish that when I explained my desire to lose weight, people didn't auto-assume it was inflicted on me by the media. I just don't like how I look when I am >127 or so. That is still a healthy weight, so fuck off.

There have, of course, been good things. I went to dinner with Ryan & Papa Harvey on Saturday, met up with Manda, Eddie, Kari, and James for a bonfire with blueberry beer that night, watched the Lost finale with Ry, Papa Harvey, & Jeani on Sunday, hung out on Westcott for a minute then smoked hookah at Manda's with her, Eddie, Kari, & James, and went to Friendly's with those same folks tonight. And Cinnamon + the cat have been very cuddly with me.

I am also starting my own website. My mom's great with website design, but I'm not exactly looking for a ton of reasons to be around her right now. She either cries because she's worried about me (which makes me feel terrible and guilty but I end up just hugging her and reassuring her) or discusses what's wrong with how I am (which makes me just feel terrible).

If I am the sum of my parts, then who am I? Because these shambles don't seem to be amounting to much when I look at them in their natural state, in pieces.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Reposting out of responsibility.

As should you.


"The following is an account from and anonymous Pitt student who attended the protest on Schenley Plaza last night Friday September 25th. The gathering, a peaceful crowd of a few hundred students, media, and community members was held in response to the violence perpetrated against Pitt student activists and Pitt students the preceding Thursday by the police. For more information, pictures, and video about the events of Thursday September 24th, visit the Pittsburgh Independent Media website.

Violence perpetrated against student organizers and uninvolved students is not a singular event or a symptom of increased police presence due to an event like the G20. Police violence occurs in many communities across the country and throughout the world every day. It is a sign of the privilege of the educated class that the media and community pay attention and express their outrage about our being abused when low income communities, people of color, and other marginalized groups with less privilege are attacked or harassed everyday. The police state is not just this week, it is all the time, and students need to start looking around and raising your voices everyday to protest the violence of the state.

Students at other universities: Please, forward this to your friends, campus organizations, campus newspapers, administrators, and everyone you know because if we don’t stand together in solidarity, your school could be next. Demand that administrators at your school accept responsibility for the actions of police on your campus. Demand that police on your city and campus be held accountable for all the violence the perpetrate. Demand that you and your classmates not be relegated to the conditions of a product for sale in the Industrial Education Complex. Make demands, because your campus is your home, your community, and your responsibility.

In solidarity,
Sheila Hubbard
Go Pitt

“WHAT HAPPENED ON FRIDAY NIGHT?
A Firsthand Account by a Pitt student

By 10:00, a group of a few hundred people had formed and the perimeter stretched to 3 sides and started getting thicker. Helicopters were overhead, and someone said they’d heard snipers were on the Hillman Library. Riot police outnumbered protesters at least 5 to 1 at this point, and they looked like they didn’t know what to do. Groups of people sat playing Duck Duck Goose and laughing or, like us, stood around tensely waiting for something to happen.

Eventually, the riot police surrounded the plaza. Local filmmakers roved around interviewing people. Some protesters shouted into megaphones, trying to engage the cops in a dialogue and when that didn’t work, mocking them. The police started closing in on us, forcing us into a corner and out of the plaza - we ended up with them in a perimeter facing an empty lawn. They formed a blockade between us and Bigelow Boulevard - at this point we were on Forbes Avenue in front of the Cathedral lawn. We were also blocked at Bellefield, and were essentially trapped on the street. People started panicking and running at this point. As the police moved in, we backed up onto the Cathedral lawn. There were about 40 of us backed into a corner.

We headed up towards Fifth Avenue on the opposite side of the Cathedral, but the police there told us to go back the way we came, grabbing us by our shoulders and pushing us back. When we expressed confusion, they threw a canister of tear gas at us so we backed up quickly. They started closing in on us on the lawn, beating their shields with their batons in unison. Even though we asked over and over which way they wanted us to go, because we wanted to leave peacefully, they refused to answer.

Eventually they ordered all 40 of us to lay face down on the ground. They told us we would all be taken into custody, and the officers came around using zip ties to handcuff everyone. We were separated and marched to a series of police cars and vans along Fifth Avenue. Their system there was incredibly disorganized and the officers were crude. “You know, I’m kind of disappointed,” one remarked. “I was hoping I would get to beat you guys down, but you guys were pretty peaceful.” Eventually, they searched and confiscated our belongings and took down all our information - most of us were being charged with failure to disperse - and tossed us all in some vans to wait. After a while, they pushed us up against the side of a bigger bus, patted us down, and loaded us onto the buses.

Apparently there were too many of us to process properly at the jail, so we ended up driving to SCI Pittsburgh. We sat outside the penitentiary for maybe half an hour or an hour. Outside, we could see dozens of National Guard and riot police officers swarming around. Someone noticed that somebody else’s hands were turning blue from the zip ties, so after a few attempts we got hold of the officer in front, who told him to “wiggle them around” and that there wasn’t anything else to do for now. Several people requested to use the bathroom, which was ignored. Eventually, they started letting us out one at a time.

The one who took me into custody put real handcuffs on me, cut off my zip tie cuffs, and patted me down. When she brought me inside, there were temporary partitions set up everywhere. I had my picture taken and was fingerprinted, then taken to wait to give my medical information, “in case you go to prison.” Afterward we were put in chairs and told to sit quietly, with National Guard guys watching us. One of them seemed slightly sympathetic; he made sure we all got water and food. “Please don’t talk,” he told us, “when you talk one of us has to come over here, and that means that it slows down the process.” When we asked where we were going, he told us, “I don’t know where you’re going, or whether you’ll be charged. For now, you’re just waiting till they decide what they’re going to do with you.” So we waited. And waited. Aaaand waited.

More people kept coming in, and we discreetly asked them what had happened. One guy was shirtless with welts all over his back; after seeing the protest on the news, he’d ridden his bike into Oakland. When he got there, police told him to turn around. He did, and they shot what he assumed was paintball guns full of pepper at his back. He was covered in huge welts and shell-shocked. He refused medical attention from the police and sat staring blankly at the wall. The guy sitting next to me had been walking home, and they’d snatched him off the street.

Eventually they started calling names. They brought us out into the courtyard, where we sat and could talk quietly. We overheard the officers saying that we’d all be released. Each of us had a police officer on our arm, and we went in batches of 4 or 5. They walked us over to a van, still cuffed, and we waited to reclaim our stuff. The cops walking us out harassed us about protesting, to which we responded less than enthusiastically. When we got our stuff, we were told not to go through it until we were off the premises, and escorted to the sidewalk in front of the police station. We were uncuffed and told to leave, and to “stay in groups, this isn‘t a nice part of town.” We were all miles away from home and the place we were arrested.

Welcome to surreality.

Questions? Comments? Email pittprotest@gmail.com
If you have police harassment or repression to report, call the ACLU G20 hotline : (412) 562-5015

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I lay these eggshells to remember to be careful

I always think I've changed until I realize: No, I am the exact same person. I still let people push me around if they want to because I'm...well, not afraid, but I just fucking hate conflict with people I care about. And I still am a jealous person. I still get worried about things that shouldn't worry me. I still compulsively eat, sleep at the wrong times, etc. This isn't me whining (not that anyone's reading this nor, even if they are, do I care about people judging); meh, it's more a resolution to attempt to change...again. Hopefully.

Anyways, I bought these online (UO sale + coupon code = success):

Rainbow Strip Sunglasses $4.99 (was $18)


BDG Knit Maxi Skirt - $4.99 (was $42)



Shadow Readers - $4.99 (was $18)
These are to replace the ones I lost at Undie Run.


Microfloral Printed Patch Shams - $4.99 (was $30)

I was extremely sick today. I was super femininely ill, if you catch my drift, to the point where I had a fever and couldn't walk. And I was rather emotionally miserable, as well, but I watched movies and wrote and perhaps that helped. Who knows? I watched Willy Wonka (1971 one) and it made me feel tons better for a while.

This is how I felt today.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And when my balls are finally big enough to do it:

Cleaning up messes you make always feels a little odd. Your hands get kind of dirty in the process; picking the shit off the ground puts more filth on your fingers than tossing it on the floor originally did in the first place. I'm trying, in any case.

I remember when I was slightly younger (i.e. 15-17), I used to go on these super mega rants where I'd just rage on things that pissed me off. I still do that to a certain extent but...more composed, I guess. I occasionally go off on things in my head but it's rare that I actually write it out (though last spring I did type this massive rant, which you can read/graze through if you're added via my Facebook). I think it is pretty important, though, to understand how to argue. Productive arguing is an incredibly important skill to have regardless of what you do in life; you will meet people who will disagree with you and, yes, of course we all have different opinions. Yes, of course it's easier to accept everyone's opinions, yadda yadda yadda...but being able to actually discuss and argue your own point is vital in order to have a productive society that doesn't just accept shit and move on. It's easy to not question anybody else's actions, but analyzing and being able to explain the ideals and motivations behind the actions is necessary, almost always. I'm not saying we all need to argue that the other person is wrong, but you should damn well be able to express, explain, and (if needed) defend your own points. Meh, anyways...I was saying that I used to go on rants. And I was going to say (and now shall) that I am probably going to begin doing that again here. Just a note.

Spring break is next week. I'm stoked for a break, holy shit. I'm so, so stoked just to...sleep more, and not worry about missing things if I choose to not go places. I need to start working out. I'll have time; hopefully I'll have the energy, too. I'm not going home because it's too expensive and even though I want to ask my parents again, I know they'll (1)say no but (2)feel guilty for saying no, and I'd rather just not cause them to feel guilty. Plus, my friends will all be in school (our spring break is kind of late). So, I might go up to LA with Zak a few times and then visit Regina in San Diego at some point. Probably other things, too; who knows. Generally, I'm just plain stoked.

This past week has been sort of a blur. I got pretty ill on Thursday due to a poor decision I made regarding substances, but it was still a pretty good night. I went to the party at Tiny House for their new-found room. Matt took us girls home (I think we were all really sick), but I couldn't sleep so I found Alex, we talked, and I ended up sleeping in his room while he slept on the floor. Really nice of him; mental note - bring him cookies. Friday, I went to the Saloon with Jessica and her friends from home, we hung out with Matt and quite a few other folks, and I got to talk to Rob quite a bit. It was a really nice night, though I did have a bit of a hangover the next day. Theeeen, Saturday, Heidi and I went to Dillon's beer commercial shoot where they needed extras to be at a party. We drank a bit, I hung out with Rob later, then went home and fell asleep around 2 because I had to be up kind of early for the intermediate that I'm in.

Speaking of which: I'm so stoked to see Vinnie's production when it's done. :D I play a superhero and David Applebee plays a young man who dies while I'm trying to save him. It was so much fun to shoot on Sunday. Afterwards, we went and got Cherry On Top; they now have pomegranate frozen yogurt. Seriously. Fucking amazing. After I got back, I showered thoroughly because we had been in a dirty alleyway all day and the scene took place mainly on the ground. I couldn't remove some of the body makeup, haha. :( Then I went over to Eric's and we watched Rosemary's Baby. Cute movie, right? Yes.

Today, I talked to Mohammad for a little while. I miss him and his big cream-colored house. I miss New York and at least three of my friends' houses. Gah. Fucking planes and their expensiveness.

I realize there's only a certain extent to which I can be honest in this. Or...elaborate. It's not like I lie; I just don't tell the entire story because regardless of the fact that not many people actually do read this...a lot of people can read this, and so I'd rather just save details for my paper and pen journal.

Marie took this two weeks ago:

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Help, I'm alive.

La la la, Sam is unhappy, la la la, Sam is confused. So it goes.

I have so little motivation to do almost anything lately. I've been writing some poetry but much less than usual, and I haven't been happy with it. I've been eating less than usual because everything has this odd twinge of another taste to it; it's either a slight vomitlike flavor or a super bitter aftertaste. Unfun. But I suppose it's helping me "get healthier," not that I really give a damn if I'm lower than my current 8/10 size; I just want to be on a healthier track. Curves are curves and I've come to terms with mine. I think I damn near like them, nowadays. But I think I've lost probably three pounds. My pants keep getting looser so I suppose that's a sign.

I made Chris a mix that has Deerhoor and Wilco and other stuff. I wanted to include Metric, Red Sparowes, more Why?, Lemuria, Sigur Ros, Beatles, and some other stuff, but didn't have room. Damn you, mix CDs, with your teensy allotted space. I love putting songs in specific orders, though, so it is nice that it's not just hundreds of songs all clumped together on a disk drive just to be uploaded and scrambled in a nonspecific grouping.



Anyways, I was pretty ill two days ago. Fever and an inability to stop shaking. Alex came to drop off our Western book for class, saw me all sickly, opened the window, was sweet about stuff, etc. I feel better now but I'm still a little sleepy. I need to write a 4-page draft by tomorrow for Writing About Film about lighting and sound techniques used in Barton Fink. Not difficult, just tedious. I have a production meeting tonight for Campeater. I'm totally stoked. This coming weekend is the second one for Cameron's film , then comes Campeater, then I think I'm helping with Chris's woodland, weird, avant-garde (who knows) project that sounds rather fun, and then I think I'm free for two weeks followed by doing makeup for Wes' film. And Vinnie asked me to audition for his intermediate project to be a superhero! Fan-fucking-tastic, seriously; I'm really hoping that goes well (it's this Friday). I am so bad at acting on stages because it's very scary to know that you don't really get a second chance, though people notice problems far less from faraway. In film, you have to deal with being super close to your audience, but you still get a ton of chances to get it right.

Anyways, photos from the past few weeks:

2nd weekend of "The Time Traveler"

Nathan getting ready for his cameo with me in the plaid


Filming in the Mormon house


Niels displaying the proper way to say "cunt" in sign language


Actors getting down to business


Birdies at the Mormon house; they needed a bit of quieting


Heidi, Eric, and Jessica. Three of the reasons this set was super fun.


Heidi caught me outside


1st wrap party

Heidi, Marie, Jessica, and I


2nd sort of wrap party on the beach (I think it was near Newport but I could be wrong; it was at least near Crystal Cove)



Me, Heidi, & Regina


Zak, me, Ade


Me, Nathan, Greg, and Heidi


Regina's room


Chris and myself being washed in light


Regina being cute


Me doing Greg's makeup


Chris with Regina's headdress on. Check out the background.


Heidi and Regina, also being cute


Friday, February 6, 2009

Shut In

Two days ago, at about 11pm on Wednesday night, I got horribly, violently ill. David and I were at Joey and Tyler's house with a few other people, watching Planet Earth, and I suddenly got nauseous. So he brought me back to his apartment (our bathroom doesn't work in my dormroom, unfortunately) and I fell asleep for a little while, woke up at about 12:30, and threw up. This proceeded to happen all night every hour or half-hour until my stomach was just ringing itself out and there was absolutely nothing left. I was clammy as hell and a few hours later, had a bad fever. Every time I drank water, I threw up. Every time I stood up, I fell down or almost fell down. It was definitely one of the sickest 24 hour periods I've ever felt, though I'm still feeling pretty weak now.

I haven't left David's apartment since about midnight that night when I got sick. I just haven't felt well enough to walk outside, really. And when I stay somewhere for a little while, I automatically start getting anxiety about leaving. After my tonsillectomy, I couldn't leave the house for about a week straight (then Manda and I got our ears re-pierced, and then I didn't leave the house again for yet another week), and I got super anxious about going places. The most "outside" thing I did was open my window. After Hard Fest, when I took the bad pills and got super sick from those, I stayed at David's for a few days because I was too upset and sickened to be alone, and then I got anxious about leaving, too. I've always had some anxiety but when I get in the habit of staying inside, I just don't want to go back out and I get hyperanxious.

I love my classes this semester so it sucks that I had to miss two yesterday and one today due to being so ill. But I'll definitely be willing to go to them so it's not like I'll avoid them like the plague (ahem, Music Theory), and these absences won't matter in the long run. I love school now that I'm actually choosing what I want to learn as opposed to high school where most of it was completely irrelevent, and even some the classes I enjoyed weren't exactly taught well. The most I learned was from Mr. O'Brien (Creative Writing and Irish Literature) and Dr. Wozniak (history in 10th grade). Fantastic teachers, seriously.

I s'pose I'm going to go get some gingerale from the fridge and fall back asleep.