Dandy.

10 Day Challenge Progress
Day 1 - 70 points (only 35 minutes of exercise)
Day 2 - 80 points
Day 3 - 70 points (not enough sleep)

I weigh 125 now. I feel like almost nobody has noticed that I've lost 10 lbs. (though, I don't go out quite as much when in NY) and for some reason, this upsets me. I think it upsets me partially because I can't tell I've lost weight even though I've put in so, so much effort into doing so. My upper thighs still feel too large, my back feels too soft, my arms are wobbly...yadda yadda. I don't feel right about it yet. I feel like 8-10 more and I'll be a-okay.

I just got back from the dentist. They used a TON of Nitrous Oxide and other stuff; the dentist is my next-door neighbor and always helps me feel totally non-anxious, which is really nice of him. While I was all sorts of out of it, I started realizing things I already knew but...more now. They're very obvious things, but for some reason, I just got thinking about them more than usual.

I tend to try to fix problems by fixing other, unrelated problems; it's a longtime habit and it's not a good one, but I can't help it, my logic is all cross-wired. But I realized that no matter what size I am, it won't negate the more vile things I've done. That even if I grow out my hair all long and lovely, even if I somehow obtain great skin and my teeth magically get perfect, my parents will still not really approve of me. No matter how thin or pretty or productive I ever, ever try to be (and don't worry about my ego; I promise, I don't think I am really any of those things besides maybe productive), I can't make things change.

I'm tired of trying. More tired than ever. And I'm always tired; just ask anyone who's ever been with me. I always say, "Mohammad, what are the two things that I always, always am?" and he never fails to respond with, "You're always tired and you're always right."

This is your two-minute warning.

Last night, I went to Alex's and he, Mohammad, and I went skinny dipping in the Tully Lake. I somehow hadn't gone skinny dipping yet this summer (though I'm sure there'll be plenty on the NorCal trip in a few weeks...), and it was really lovely. I saw a shooting star, I swam in water where I can't see the bottom--which, I'll have you know, terrifies me.

Of course, I drank quite a bit of Bailey's before hand and they had lots of whiskey, so we were at least liqueured up and stoked, but it was overall really nice. We meant to wake up at like 8 am and leave, but we slept until probably 11, and then Mohammad and I got lost on the way back from Tully, but it's okay, because it was a gorgeous day. I love driving around that area; it's perfect. I dropped him off around noon, then James & I went back that way to the res, got cigarettes, ate dinner at his mom's apartment, and drove around for a while. I ended up grocery shopping later and now I'm just exhausted.

I'm on a 10-day fast right now where I eat less than 500 calories a day.

It sounds really stupid and unhealthy, but I'm not even doing to just to lose weight. It's more because I'm sick of being obsessed with eating and food, and always needing dessert and...I don't know, I just want to finally end my addiction and dependency on it. I've lost 8.5 lbs so far this summer (I started actively trying to lose weight at the very end of May). I'm 126.5 right now, I'd love to be 122 by the middle of August. But that's irrelevant; what's more important is that I'd love to just not constantly desire food and feel like eating when I'm happy/sad/anxious/bored.

Anyways,

There are some people whom I wish I had met when they were younger and more malleable. The older every gets, the more stubborn and unable to change. They never go gently into change; they are tentatively welcoming to everyone. When we're younger, when we're children, we're never like this. When we come to a new place, we need everyone we can get, uncautiously diving into whomever is around us. Flailing around, trying to grab some hands and defeat the loneliness that comes with change.

I don't know if law is what I really want to do, but I sort of don't feel like I have much of a choice considering I know how I want my life to end up somewhat and that involves having a decent amount of money. Yeah yeah, criticize my dollar-hugging attitude, but I would rather do a career I am 70% desiring of than that pays for my kids to go to college (without huge loans) and live in a beautiful place and travel with me than do a career I'm 95% in love with that makes it near-impossible for me to ever feel financially secure. I love memorization and I love arguing ("debating"). If there's anything I'm good at, it's finding a way to understand people's actions and words, and if necessary, use them to my advantage. People are silly, they say stupid things, they leave huge holes open in their words and behaviors. And if somebody's guilty, I always find out (always); if I can make a career out of that, then all the more happiness.

Also.

This is what they mean when they say "Too little too late."

I am a novelty. Or, at the least and out of necessity, a nomad.

I'm trying so hard to be healthy. I hate the fact that I yo-yo diet and go from eating 500 calories a day to 2000 occasionally, back and forth over and over. It's not good for me but it's a habit I've had for years. Since the beginning of the summer, I've gradually been able to settle on approximately 900 to 1200 calories a day (now leaning more to 1200 each day, so woohoo). I'm not 127.5 lbs. so that's swell, and I've run 11 miles in the past two days (+ I'm about to go running again in a moment).

James mentioned that he thinks he might have BDD (info), which causes a person to think they look quite differently than the do. He, for example, is 5'10" and 149 lbs., quite thin, but sees himself larger than he is. Sometimes, I'm confused whether or not I do as well because once in a while, I'll think I'm on the thinner side (like, once every few weeks) while most days, I feel like I'm quite huge. When I look in a mirror, I see wide arms, awkward breasts, an undefined jawline, bushy hair, bad teeth, love handles, and terribly large upper thighs. I just want to not see that anymore, and the only way I won't see that any longer is if I lose a bit of weight. Goddamnit, I totally didn't want to turn this into a weight rant. But here I am, ranting. Surprise.

Something I've always found funny is that when people try to insult me, they always think they're telling me something I don't know. I am self-absorbed, I am somewhat attention-starved, I am a bit on the chubbier side. I am totally willing to admit all of these things. Nobody recently has said them, but I recently saw somebody who had said all those things way back in high school-era and I sort of just giggled, because unless somebody's going to send me on some revelation, I'll probably never go particularly wild realizing something new. Lo siento; it's almost impossible to insult somebody who can do it far better than you're possibly capable of.

Yadda yadda. I need to go running. Peace out.

Boot Camp

Bootcamp!
So, the week before I go back to CA (in late July), Manda, James, and I are doing a 7-day VIP trial at Gold's Gym. Pretty much, we can do whatever we want in the gym fo' free for 7 days. I've been trying to figure out exactly how to maximize our mini-memberships in order to utilize lots of gym time, lots of pool time, and lots of class time. So far, my own person schedule may look like:

Monday

• 8 - 9am--> WillPower & Grace
• 10 - 11 --> Group Ride
• 1:30 - 2:30 --> Swim laps
• 2:45 - 3 --> Spa
• 3 - 4 --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
  

Tuesday

• 5:45 - 6:45am --> Group Ride
• 9 - 10 --> WillPower & Grace
• 12 - 1:30pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 1:45 - 2:30 --> Free swim
• 5:15 - 6:30 --> Group Power
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Zumba
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Group Center

Wednesday

• 9:15 - 10:15am or 10:30 - 11:30am --> Aqua Fit
• 9 - 10 --> Group Ride
• 10:30 - 11:30 --> Swim
  
• 5:30 - 6:30pm --> Spinning
• 7:30 - 8:30pm --> Group Kick (the one I'm most excited for!)
  

Thursday

• 5:45 - 6:45am --> Group Ride
• 9 - 10 --> Cardio Sculpt
• 10:30 - 11:45 --> Swim + Spa
  
• 12 - 12:45pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 4:30 - 5:30 or 6:30 - 7:30 --> Zumba
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Pilates
  

Friday

• 9 - 10am --> Group Ride
• 9:15 - 10:15 or 10:30 - 11:30 --> Aqua Fit
• 12 - 1pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
• 5:30 - 6:30pm --> Group Groove
• 6:30 - 7:30 --> Yoga

Saturday

• 6 - 7am --> Group Ride
• 7:30 - 8:15 --> Swim + Spa
  
• 9 - 10 --> Group Step
• 3 - 5pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.
  

Sunday

• 7:30 - 8:30am --> Group Ride
• 8 - 9 --> Aqua Fit
• 8:30 - 9:30 --> Power Jam
• 10:30 - 11:30 --> Zumba
• 3 - 5pm --> Treadmill, elliptical, track, etc.

Realistically, of course, I won't end up doing all of this. But I want to do at least 50%-75% of the stuff I've listed. I need to kick my own ass back into shape. It's 5:33am right now and I'm about to run. Later!

Goals are for crazy people.

I just got back from running. I ran just about 2 miles today, but I did it considerably faster than the past couple o' days. I almost didn't run today, but then I thought about it and decided that I have to try to do it every day I can because otherwise, I'll just find new excuses not to. And then I'll gain weight again. And then I shall be bummed and disappointed in myself for not continuing with my progress. I haven't been eating that well, though. I'm trying to change that gradually. Manda, Tim, and I ate Gardein vegetarian pulled "pork" last night and that was really good. Perhaps when my iron's all the way up again I'll go back to being a vegetarian.

Summer Goals:

• Keep running approximately 2-3 miles each morning; gradually increase by 1 mile every two to three weeks.
• Continue using FitDay.com to improve diet, exercise, and overall health habits.
• Get BMI down to ~19 (I want to be 120ish and I'm 5'7") which would mean losing about 12-15 lbs.
• Drop the 5 pounds gained during May (fuck you finals week) by June 15th.
• Get back to an almost normal sleep schedule.
• Be able to go shopping without feeling like death is becoming me because I can't look at myself in jean shorts.
• Life weights 2-3 times a week.

Well, everyone's sad.

Things that have happened since I returned:

• I went running at 8:03 this morning because (1)I feel fat and (2)I can't sleep.
• My mother told me I am no longer beautiful. But that there are things I can do to make me beautiful again. She didn't understand why I was upset.
• I found the kick ass mug that I spent like 3 hours making for my mom for Christmas = holding her Sharpies in the far back on the top shelf of a random cupboard. Lovely.
• Stepped on the scale and I now weigh 135. Fucking stellar. I'm 5'7" and I was about 129/130 until finals week happened.
• The first thing my dad said when I returned, in typical fashion for my family, was "Hey Saman-...oh god, what have you done to your nose?" And then gave me a half-assed hug.
• Mohammad completely blew us off yesterday. Rad! Excuse: He simply had to see the people he sees literally every day. James was right in his predictions; for shame, Memali. "Je t'aime," my ass.
• I watched "Girl, Interrupted" for the first time in a few years and remembered why I don't watch it anymore.

I'm going to start exercising consistently again. Here's what I look like when I weigh more or less, by the way. I just hate gaining weight in my face and stomach. And I wish that when I explained my desire to lose weight, people didn't auto-assume it was inflicted on me by the media. I just don't like how I look when I am >127 or so. That is still a healthy weight, so fuck off.

There have, of course, been good things. I went to dinner with Ryan & Papa Harvey on Saturday, met up with Manda, Eddie, Kari, and James for a bonfire with blueberry beer that night, watched the Lost finale with Ry, Papa Harvey, & Jeani on Sunday, hung out on Westcott for a minute then smoked hookah at Manda's with her, Eddie, Kari, & James, and went to Friendly's with those same folks tonight. And Cinnamon + the cat have been very cuddly with me.

I am also starting my own website. My mom's great with website design, but I'm not exactly looking for a ton of reasons to be around her right now. She either cries because she's worried about me (which makes me feel terrible and guilty but I end up just hugging her and reassuring her) or discusses what's wrong with how I am (which makes me just feel terrible).

If I am the sum of my parts, then who am I? Because these shambles don't seem to be amounting to much when I look at them in their natural state, in pieces.

Too late.

It is 74 degrees outside now, according to weather.com, but I'm willing to bet it's 80+ in my room at the moment. FUUU-. Today, despite being my worst day of the school week (Intro to Creative Writing 1-2:15, Composing Self 2:30-3:45, Beauty of Physics 4-5:15, Social Problems 7-9:50 and then Chappy Radio meeting), went fairly well. I'm tired, sure, but I feel like it's easier to "watch what I eat" and "exercise more" when I live fifteen minutes walking from campus (so it's not close enough to actually want to drive, not that I even have a car, but I could go in with Rae/Anna) and don't have time to eat much.

Lots of Odd Nosdam, Rusko, and M83 today. Astronautalis and Water Bears have been up there lately, too. Speaking of music, a list of things I'm doing this weekend:

• Having Chelsea over! I'm so excited to hang out with her and her boyfriend for a few days.
• Orange International Street Fair! Food + beer + lots of people = always awesome, minus the "lots of people" part. :)
• Going to the Saloon's party on Saturday as well as the "Octopus Party" that Daniel, Tyler, and somebody else (I think) are having that night.
• Going into the desert with Chelsea and her fellah as well as maybe Heidi or somebody, exploring, hiking, drinking, and taking pretty pictures.
• Going up to LA on Sunday with Wes to go to Amoeba and a few other places. It'll be a nice quiet day away from Orange.
  
• Cleaning the house a hell of a lot, particularly my floor and the kitchen floor.
  

Problem: Heat
Solution: Smoke menthols in the pool (while listening to Louis Armstrong).
????
PROFIT!

This is Chelsea! She's super fantastic, gawgeous, and a nice gal.
I'm stoked to introduce her around and such; I believe she's coming to the Saloon!

Heidi and I on one of the 4092384 100+ degree days.


Getting drunk with Greg at the Syc + Shaf house nearby, y/y?

I want to goddamned sleep. Why is this so difficult given how insanely tired I am? I take sleep medication- I get drowsy the next day and not even while I'm trying to sleep. I try relaxing all of my muscles- I feel sweaty and sickened. I try to just lay back for a while and close my eyes like a normal person usually does- I get cramps, I feel like punching my ovaries, and I get onto the goddamned internet like it'll somehow assist.

"Is New York sucking the soul out of him?"

At Chapman Coffee House. Life is pretty damn good right now despite finals and exhaustion and all that.

Thursday, Tim showed up with his friend Alex. They hitchhiked down here (seriously) because they were on tour and their van broke down in Redding, CA (up north). But Tim promised he'd see me and so they somehow got down here. Us, Greg, David, Heidi, and Greg's new housemate Mikey went to Nathan's and hung out there and drank for a while. Then we walked back at around 2 and Tim, Alex, and I passed out in my room.

Friday, we went and got food and then the two of them came with me to Julia's place because I was in her Visual Storytelling final project. We left around 7, got Chinese food with David, and then went to a movie with Heidi and him at about 10. We saw the remake of Last House On The Left which I will rant about briefly:
The remake is nearly completely different from the original. The original is much closer to an exploitation film than a horror, which is what the remake basically was. The original has different characters, an overall different emotion to the film, and the cinematography was insanely different. The music, particularly, is what makes the first one so uncomfortable but at the same time bearable. They took out quite a bit because it would never, ever be able to be produced today by a major company; things like the mother biting off one guy's dick and the forcible lesbian rape and etc. Instead, they replaced these with even more nudity (because that's more acceptable provided it's female full frontal) as well as "creative" gratuitous violence. Whereas the original, most of the people killed are shot or stabbed, a more likely happening (though, obviously, these are still terrible things), there is a considerable amount of people getting killed off in less "standard" ways. The acting sucked, the script was terrible...it was just an overall annoying film. But it was $1.75 at the dollar theater so whatevah.

Saturday, I woke up for set at 5 AM (a visual storytelling set that was a 12-hour day...seriously). Tim and Alex left a few hours after I did. I got back around 2ish, went to Bliss with Heidi and Anna, and then went back and napped for a while. Then, at about 7, Greg, Heidi, and I got 40s and drank a bit, then went to the Music Tech release party thing at Oliphant. It was super, SUPER fun and we all danced a hell of a lot. I particularly loved Justin, Eric, Andrew Swanson, Dillon, and this other fellow I've met once or twice's sets. They were all super good. Oh, and some girl named Miwa (I don't know if I spelled that right) was fucking amazing. We went to Tiny House after with Matt and it was an overall really good night.

Right now, I'm at Chapman Coffee House with Heidi and we're about to head over to Sad House (soon to be our Glad House!) for Niels' Norwegian Independence Day party. :) I'm stoked.

I need to do some essays and study a bit, but I did that two days ago for a while and I'll do more later tonight, as well as tomorrow post-makeup final.

Oh, and I think I lost 4-5 lbs. I've been walking a lot and eating less, and I feel pretty good. This means I'm about 130, I believe. I'm trying to care less and less; hopefully I can do that sooner rather than later.

Some guy just said the quote that I made the topic of this post.

You didn't just switch teams; you left the game.

Goals for the next year or so:

1. Stop being so co-dependent on other people.
2. Write as much as possible. Hopefully, work up confidence to submit things.
   
3. Stop accommodating everyone around me regardless of how it makes me feel.
4. See WHY? live.
   
5. Successfully move into Sad/Glad House
6. Start dreads once my hair is about two inches longer than it is now.
7. Lose approximately 10 to 15 pounds.
8. Get a damn job or at least work on enough sets that I can pay for shit with the money from them.
9. Get a Filbert. If you don't know what that is, please see this article and this picture.
10. Have a fairly large collection of 1/2" plugs (and etc. such stuff).
11. Work on confidence issues, anxiety, etc.
12. Start side pieces, hopefully be done with at least the outlines.

And some other shit I can't write here.

Today?

Lately, I've found myself combing Craiglist. Not because I'm interested in responding (though, ladies, admit it: you've all wanted to GET LADE NOWW 4 CA$H 2NITE LOOK @ MAH D1CK!), but because I like making up stories about the people posting them. Like, there are some particularly interesting ones that are just...more depressing or funnier than others. There was one whose title was "Do you have pizza bagels?" and I clicked on it, thinking, "No, but I'm fucking starving and I might answer an ad about pizza bagels!" (again, kidding)...it ended up being an offer for a $200 blowjob. lolque?

WHOA, we just had an earthquake.

Anyways, so I make up these weird stories about these people and why the fuck they're posting for love on Craigslist. Sometimes I wonder (not about Craigslist; just in general) when the last time people I know cried. Chances are, I wasn't there, but I still constantly find myself wondering.

So, I got extremely faint Tuesday afternoon and nearly fell down while in my room. Figured it best to not actually fast and instead, semi-fast by cutting caloric intake by about 2/3rds. The past few days, I've been consuming approximately 500-600 a day, and I feel a bit better. I also went to the beach, ran around quite a bit (but not formally), and felt really good, and I've been taking really long walks using long routes. Fuck running, though; I legitimately can't stand doing it. Even when I ran 6:45/mi when I was 12-14, I still hated it. I like other sources of activity, but running just makes me miserable. Afterwards, I don't even feel all OMG ENDORPHINS! like you're supposed to. I just feel like sleeping and not moving for a few days. So, instead, I've been doing that other shit and doing the typical sit-ups, push-ups, etc. in my room. Perhaps it'll help. Who knows?

I'm starting to realize how badly I need to come up with a plan.

Perceptions are mangled, matted, and knotted anyway.

Picture me: I swirl like the wind
tempting tomorrow to be today,
tiptoeing the fine line
between everything and everything else.

The past few weeks have been a complete fucking mess with a lot of great shit and a lot of really, really unfortunate shit. Actually, the word "unfortunate" isn't accurate because so much of it has been my own fault.

I won't elaborate because, to be completely honest, I don't have the energy. I'm fasting for at least the next week. I want to get to know my body better and try to understand my dependency on food. I over-eat too often and rarely even realize I'm doing it. I've gained weight since last semester and I look really awkward. A few people that have known me since fall have said that they can't tell, but that's most likely because I dress in a way that doesn't show off the areas I hate. If I dress all stereotypical-teen-girl-in-southern-California, I'd have short skirts, short shorts, etc. and some tight tank top all of the time, and they most certainly would be able to tell I've gained weight then. I'm almost 5'7", 138ish lbs. I'm on the heavier side of "normal." It's not like I want to be 115 lbs. again, I just want to fit all my clothes the way I did previously. I have no desire to be a size 4 again. I remember in 11th grade when I lost 25ish lbs.:
In a matter of month or two, I went from this:

150ish - August 2006.


I was probably 150 here - spring 2006.
(Yes, I had disgusting hair.)


145-150 - February 2006, I think.

To this:

I think I was 120/118 in this one - October 2006.


I was about 125 here - November 2006.


125ish - October 2006.


Primarily because I didn't feel like eating anymore. It wasn't an anorexia-noneating-type thing, it was a literal feeling of sickness when I ate too much or, sometimes, anything at all. I mean, I still ate, I just...exercised a shit load alone. Anyways, I'm trying to lose weight again for reasons I stated in a previous entry. Currently, my figure looks like this:






Also, just in the event that someone's an idiot (or just misunderstanding my motives): this is not a ploy for attention. This isn't some sort of pseudo-cry for help where I just want someone to rescue me from my oh-so-negative self image. I actually generally like how I look, I just want to be considerably healthier, know my body better, and not feel so fucking exhausted all of the time. This would be a good thing.

Oh, and I got my nostrils re-pierced:

No man is an island,
but I often feel alone
so I find peace through OHM.

I heard you fuck through the wall

I wonder how many people do things that disgust themselves almost every day.

Example: I watch a lot of porn. "Pornogratherapy"* might be an accurate title for it. I watch it on a pretty regular basis, but I would say I watch it considerably more than the typical teenage female, though I can't be certain of that considering so few people (minus my close friends who all seem to be in the same boat as I) admit to watching it, or even admit to masturbating (but that's an entirely different rant that I could go on...). Anyways, basically: I've watched it often for the last nine or ten years. Whenever we started getting internet in my house and I accidentally typed in some words I saw on TV, then added ".com" and received intriguing results. And in the days of endless pop-ups, these inital websites always led to more. I was extremely curious in a semi-innocent way (because it was more of an exploratory type of thing for me rather than sexual). It was always exciting to see all these words that I didn't know yet and all these bodies doing things that I didn't quite understand, but I knew that they looked fucking thrilled to be doing whatever they were doing, so it had to be amazing and fantastic and someday, I wanted to do those things.

Anyways, cut to the future: I now still enjoy it, but in the past two years, I've occasionally experienced this peculiar feeling of disgust. It's not as though I get shameful of myself, but suddenly, I feel disgusted with the act of looking at pornography. It makes me sickened and feels filthy. I cannot concentrate on it and therefore move on to some other daily activity that's better suited to my conscience at the time. It's just odd that I am morally completely in favor of the production and distribution of consentual porn, but I very abruptly get sickened by it to the point where I get frustrated with myself for having included it in my routine for so long.

Odd.


*Thanks, ETID.



On a side note, I am getting rather chubby. And as much as I hate running, this may have to ensue. I've been an exact size 10 for about three years (with a few months of fluctuation in 2006), and I'd like to stay that size and not have to run out and buy new shit because I can't keep my hand out of the cookie jar. Meh, that's a little harsh, I guess. But basically: I don't really care what my weight's number is; I care that I can still fit in my own clothes and not feel like I'm going to burst. So, this spring break week, I plan on eating less (which shouldn't be hard given that I have no fridge and the dining hall is closed all week) and walking as much as possible. Plans, plans.

Speaking of plans, I'm driving up with Mike on Tuesday to Santa Cruz to visit Heidi (probably) and then coming back sometime this weekend. Word. I need to get some shit done before next Monday. Damnit.

Help, I'm alive.

La la la, Sam is unhappy, la la la, Sam is confused. So it goes.

I have so little motivation to do almost anything lately. I've been writing some poetry but much less than usual, and I haven't been happy with it. I've been eating less than usual because everything has this odd twinge of another taste to it; it's either a slight vomitlike flavor or a super bitter aftertaste. Unfun. But I suppose it's helping me "get healthier," not that I really give a damn if I'm lower than my current 8/10 size; I just want to be on a healthier track. Curves are curves and I've come to terms with mine. I think I damn near like them, nowadays. But I think I've lost probably three pounds. My pants keep getting looser so I suppose that's a sign.

I made Chris a mix that has Deerhoor and Wilco and other stuff. I wanted to include Metric, Red Sparowes, more Why?, Lemuria, Sigur Ros, Beatles, and some other stuff, but didn't have room. Damn you, mix CDs, with your teensy allotted space. I love putting songs in specific orders, though, so it is nice that it's not just hundreds of songs all clumped together on a disk drive just to be uploaded and scrambled in a nonspecific grouping.

Anyways, I was pretty ill two days ago. Fever and an inability to stop shaking. Alex came to drop off our Western book for class, saw me all sickly, opened the window, was sweet about stuff, etc. I feel better now but I'm still a little sleepy. I need to write a 4-page draft by tomorrow for Writing About Film about lighting and sound techniques used in Barton Fink. Not difficult, just tedious. I have a production meeting tonight for Campeater. I'm totally stoked. This coming weekend is the second one for Cameron's film , then comes Campeater, then I think I'm helping with Chris's woodland, weird, avant-garde (who knows) project that sounds rather fun, and then I think I'm free for two weeks followed by doing makeup for Wes' film. And Vinnie asked me to audition for his intermediate project to be a superhero! Fan-fucking-tastic, seriously; I'm really hoping that goes well (it's this Friday). I am so bad at acting on stages because it's very scary to know that you don't really get a second chance, though people notice problems far less from faraway. In film, you have to deal with being super close to your audience, but you still get a ton of chances to get it right.

Anyways, photos from the past few weeks:

2nd weekend of "The Time Traveler"

Nathan getting ready for his cameo with me in the plaid


Filming in the Mormon house


Niels displaying the proper way to say "cunt" in sign language


Actors getting down to business


Birdies at the Mormon house; they needed a bit of quieting


Heidi, Eric, and Jessica. Three of the reasons this set was super fun.


Heidi caught me outside


1st wrap party

Heidi, Marie, Jessica, and I


2nd sort of wrap party on the beach (I think it was near Newport but I could be wrong; it was at least near Crystal Cove)



Me, Heidi, & Regina


Zak, me, Ade


Me, Nathan, Greg, and Heidi


Regina's room


Chris and myself being washed in light


Regina being cute


Me doing Greg's makeup


Chris with Regina's headdress on. Check out the background.


Heidi and Regina, also being cute

You've gone skinny all alone in New York City.

I went to bed at 6:30 this morning, slept until 3 pm, and now I can't sleep.

After filming was finished, there was a party at Nathan's and it was extremely fun. I drank quite a bit more than usual, though, and had a really good time. At about 5:30ish, I went with Nathan and Niels to Jack in the Box (I'd never been there) and then to the latter's house. About an hour later, Niels started driving me home, saw a cop car, and I got out and walked the rest of the way (which was literally like a block and a half and I was just too drunk to realize how close their house was to my dorm). Overall, it was a really good night but I had a pretty unfun hangover, which rarely happens for me, and I didn't go to my first two classes. I went to David's, slept a while and ate a sandwich, and then went to my 7-10pm class (Film Genre: the Western). It was a double-feature tonight so we watched a movie whose title I cannot remember and "Forty Guns." Barbara Steinwyck is so calmly beautiful usually...and then in "Forty Guns," she was so peculiar and awkward in her role. I could scarcely believe it was the same woman who had made me shiver while I watched "Double Indemnity."

I met Chris afterwards and we walked back to his place. We watched "All the Real Girls" which was really beautiful. Quick reasons on why I loved that movie so much (and actually was down for watching a third movie in one night):
-It has one of the most realistic couple-fight scenes I've ever seen. Seriously, that is exactly how most of my fights with someone I care very much about have been. Usually, in film, a person fixes a fight with "...BUT I LOVE YOU!" and the other character swoons and they kiss. In this one, she says "I love you!" and he basically just says, "What the fuck? Why the fuck would you say that now? You don't just fix things with 'I love you,'" and walks away.
-It's visually gorgeous. Not the people so much as everything around them.
-The music (and lack thereof) goes along perfectly with the film.
-The writing is perfect, as are the characters. In both the films I watched earlier, I honestly would not have cared if every character died (and multiple other people agreed, so I s'pose I'm not just an apathetic person), but with this film, I genuinely wanted everyone to be happy by the ending.
Basically, I loved the movie and am really glad he showed it to me. I want to see more David Gordon Green films; I believe Chris has others, so that's good. We talked for a while after that and then he brought me back around 1:30.

Now, I've been this close to sleeping for 3ish hours.

I think it possibly is my forgetfulness these past two weeks in regards to eating, but I feel like I've lost about 4-6 lbs. I would like to be between a size 6 or 8 by the time this semester's over. It's not that I don't like being a size 10 because I'm down and it's not like I honestly give a damn what the number on my tag is. It's that a size 6 or 8 would be about the right size for someone of my height who's a healthy weight to be, and a huge goal of mine is to improve my overall health because I'm sick of getting sick all of the time and my insomnia has been on my tail for years. In order to track this, I'm taking one picture every day of my figure (because actual weight numbers are unreliable).

I have a production meeting tonight. I'm stoked to be working on more senior thesis films.

Love,
Sam