Cars + Order

So, I hopefully will be able to take out a small loan and finally get a car. I desperately need one in order to have everything be possible/easier: work, school, film sets, relying on myself, volunteering, camping, travel...all of it. Getting away. I hate having to rely on other people, even though they're always so sweet about it. I feel helpless and needy; I love my friends and I'd rather be able to offer them rides than have to get them to pick me up to hang out or come to me. It makes me feel so guilty.

Indeed, I will hopefully be acquiring a small, (preferably) gas-efficient car to name and love and put flowers on the dashboard in.

Things I will do as soon as I get a car:

1. Start volunteering in Orange.
2. Go on a date with myself at a lovely restaurant. Get any food I want and perhaps even buy myself flowers.
3. Go to Silverado canyon with somebody and have a picnic.
4. Apply for like 50 jobs in Orange County.
5. Start going to the fucking beach finally.

Also, I was just made aware that Law & Order: Los Angeles is going to happen. Wut? Here is, essentially, what will happen:

A bunch of supposedly famous people (special guest stars = typically still only moderately successful) who frequently take off their sunglasses in disbelief who end up making shameful yet entertaining crimes. A witty detective (who wears brighter colors than the NY ones because the west coast is ~*just crazy!*~ like that) and his tough as nails yet beautiful female partner--who rarely has functional relationships with men--will have to solve these crimes while being held up every step of the way by absurdly attractive women and their graying, unattractive agents/fathers/husbands. There will be shitty yet energetic music. There will be boring plots with twists so bad that M. Night Shamylan wouldn't give a green light to. Lady Gaga will probably cameo.

Well, everyone's sad.

Things that have happened since I returned:

• I went running at 8:03 this morning because (1)I feel fat and (2)I can't sleep.
• My mother told me I am no longer beautiful. But that there are things I can do to make me beautiful again. She didn't understand why I was upset.
• I found the kick ass mug that I spent like 3 hours making for my mom for Christmas = holding her Sharpies in the far back on the top shelf of a random cupboard. Lovely.
• Stepped on the scale and I now weigh 135. Fucking stellar. I'm 5'7" and I was about 129/130 until finals week happened.
• The first thing my dad said when I returned, in typical fashion for my family, was "Hey Saman-...oh god, what have you done to your nose?" And then gave me a half-assed hug.
• Mohammad completely blew us off yesterday. Rad! Excuse: He simply had to see the people he sees literally every day. James was right in his predictions; for shame, Memali. "Je t'aime," my ass.
• I watched "Girl, Interrupted" for the first time in a few years and remembered why I don't watch it anymore.

I'm going to start exercising consistently again. Here's what I look like when I weigh more or less, by the way. I just hate gaining weight in my face and stomach. And I wish that when I explained my desire to lose weight, people didn't auto-assume it was inflicted on me by the media. I just don't like how I look when I am >127 or so. That is still a healthy weight, so fuck off.

There have, of course, been good things. I went to dinner with Ryan & Papa Harvey on Saturday, met up with Manda, Eddie, Kari, and James for a bonfire with blueberry beer that night, watched the Lost finale with Ry, Papa Harvey, & Jeani on Sunday, hung out on Westcott for a minute then smoked hookah at Manda's with her, Eddie, Kari, & James, and went to Friendly's with those same folks tonight. And Cinnamon + the cat have been very cuddly with me.

I am also starting my own website. My mom's great with website design, but I'm not exactly looking for a ton of reasons to be around her right now. She either cries because she's worried about me (which makes me feel terrible and guilty but I end up just hugging her and reassuring her) or discusses what's wrong with how I am (which makes me just feel terrible).

If I am the sum of my parts, then who am I? Because these shambles don't seem to be amounting to much when I look at them in their natural state, in pieces.

No body; just a cage to hold your parts

I haven't written in a while, and with somewhat good reason. It's been such a busy past two weeks, and I sort of just want to calm down for a minute. But this weekend is the second part of "Canned Ecology" which means there won't really be calm as of yet. Maybe soon. I want to go camping in the next two weeks so fucking badly.

My birthday was last Thursday and it was really, really lovely. Heidi, Eric, and I drank a bit the night before, passed out, and when I woke up, I did some stuff for "Canned Ecology" while they prohibited me from getting out of bed as they were in the kitchen. When I came out, they had made a TON of fucking bacon and literally spelled out my name in bacon as well as made a bacon weave (!!!) and a blue omelet + toast. Shit was so bomb. Best breakfast ever.

After nomming the shit out of that bacon and essentially ingesting a heart attack, I re-blued my hair while they went to the store. After that, Heidi and I baked a ton of stuff and around some nice folks came over. It was super stellar. Ate lots of sushi, cheese, pumpkin pie, strawberry cupcakes (that Heidi decorated to look like my face, hahaha), and drank a hell of a lot of wine. Delicious. Post-dinner party, Heidi and I jetted to the radio room where we did BeezyTalk while the boys did stuff outside and Olivia hung with us. Then MoD happened, Dillon and Trevor DJ'd, shit was super fun, and we went to bed shortly after because I had set at goddamned 7 am.

All in all, very productive and lovely birthday.

The night before Halloween and Halloween both went something like: "Canned Ecology" set for 12 hours, short nap, dress up, go to costume parties. I went as a cracked out lumberjack hipster or something along those lines on the 30th-- that night, though, I was absolutely not in the mindset or mood for parties. I was pissed, miserable, and felt like shit from being awake all those hours. Halloween was better though, and we went to That 70s House for their party. It was really fun, we got pretty damn drunk, but I still managed to wake up for set the next day at fucking 7 AM.

On another note, I've been feeling slightly more antisocial than usual. And if one more person responds to that statement with, "Oh yeah, everybody burns out after freshman year for a bit, I know I did!" I will fucking scream. I know what "burning out" feels like [insert Jack Black motions a la "High Fidelity"] and I know that this isn't it. Over the past few years, I've consistently cared less and less about everyone being my friend (that's not to say I won't be friends with anybody, because I will with very little exception) and don't feel like remaining friends with anybody who doesn't put in much effort into the relationship. It just doesn't seem purposeful anymore.
"But, don't you realize that networking is what you're supposed to do in college?!"
Yes, dear imaginary questioner, I know that. And network I do. I make friendly acquaintances and friendly friends, but I do not get very close to most people because it's rarely a solid idea. I'm fine with having a few people that I can speak honestly with and share the near-full truth with.

At some point, I needed to feel great about being friends with a lot of people and rarely having anonymity, but during July 2007, I went to Ogunquit, ME and walked around for hours and hours and hours one day. Nobody knew me. Everything was free, and so was I. I turned my phone off, picked up my pen, and filled almost half a notebook between sunrise and sunset. I think that that summer was the turning point. During my senior year, I purposely tried to stop friendships I knew were one-sided or ones that bored me or ones that were with people I didn't actually enjoy being around. Once I got to college, I was pretty fucking closed off, then opened, then closed again and I don't really plan on "opening" back up any time soon. And why bother? I'm happy with the way things are in that regard, and whenever I'm trying to do too much or be around too many people, I'm fucking miserable and angry. That party on Friday just made me sickened. All I wanted to do was vom on their carpet, go home, and fall asleep. All the drunk tools trying to flirt with all the drunk girls in their pathetically trashy excuses for costumes, perusing up the skirts in the back corners of the rooms like nobody can see. Fuck that. I felt sick, and I just wanted to watch some goddamned movies with 1 to 4 people whose company I enjoy and cuddle and sleep.

Anyways, a few from the last week:

Part of a balanced breakfast!

Don't stab yourself, mister, the bacon is delicious.

Heidi, some fellah friends, and I

Purdy cute for a picture that involves me, Eric, and a piece of burned pizza.

SamCakes

That pumpkin pie was fucking badass.

Jeanie Jean lighting the candles while Mister Schwartz looks on

Blowing out candles.

Too many DJs. Ohhh.

I fully support the existence of this picture.

Excessive makeup and excessive earsies.


Creepy, creepier, & HEIDI

Quailman!

Heidi and I aka Superman and Quailman (a la "Doug")

Pascal & I


Aaand "Canned Ecology" set:
Lurking behind Dobbs

The funeral scene

Walking around the doctor's office in funeral clothes and a certain fellah's shoes because my boots were goddamned uncomfortable. And we apparently have the same size feet (I have giant feet for a girl). And they were black shoes, so regardless of style, they inherently go with a black dress [/lie].

It was fucking grandiose.

Creases

From birth, we learn that it is nice to be held. Humans are meant to be held, in my opinion. So therefore, more importantly than being held, it is our duty to hold. Not constrain or squeeze-to-tightly or capture, but to embrace. Mutually, lovingly, happily. Supporting, calming. I probably believe all of this because I, myself, love to hold whether it's my best friend, my mother, or my dog Cinnamon. I do not comprehend a world without hands cupping or interlaced, bodies intertwined and interlocked. Of course, I know this is not applicable to everyone, but damnit,

I remember in the third grade, our teacher Miss Mann was going over the concept of probability. For an example of "impossible," she stated something along the lines of flying. I questioned this in my head; why couldn't we fly? She went on to state an example of something that was "possible," and I had no qualms with that one. She then continued onwards to use the sun rising as an example of something being "certain." I distinctly remember being discontent with this. I did not believe that the sun rising should be taken as a certainty. I recall being very confused and a bit upset over the idea that people believe tomorrow is a given. In general, I was dissatisfied with anything being considered "definite," whether it was regarded as "impossible" or "certain." Possibility is the only thing I can believe in, in regards to probability.

I've listened to "Breakfast In Bed" by Dntel (with Conor Oberst singing) about 30 times now. The weird, rewinding background is the only thing that makes sense to hear. Isn't it scary how, sometimes, songs are so applicable and they just walk into your life at the right moment? I hadn't heard this one in more than a year, I believe, but Zak put it on about a week ago and it sang the four of us us (Heidi, me, Kristi, and him) to sleep. Rewind, start, stop again, go back, play it over.

This week's been marvelously busy. On Wednesday, Heidi and I went with Cam, Bryan, and Bobby to "Passing On"'s screening along with four other films at the Director's Guild Theater. It was amazing and super fun. I love dressing up, so that was an automatic fun time, but the group of people that worked on that movie and the night, in general = all so fun. Later that evening, we went to the nicest restaurant I've been to practically ever, some sushi place called Satsuya in LA, and Bryan ordered our table about 10 trays of sushi. Insane/incredible. After that, we all ventured to Low End Theory, met up with Eric and some folks, and got to see the last hour or so of it. I stayed in LA that night and rode the train up the next day; unfortunately, the women sitting next to me on the train were fucking absurdly obnoxious and bitched the whole way. I must remember headphones next time.

Also, my hair's now blue again. I feel better.

Sick.

God bless you, Roman Polanski, for bringing out the true nature of your cinema peers. If I ever need to see who has an ounce of morality and conscience in their bodies in Hollywood, I need only look at their positions on this case. If they forgave you, I know they have completely lost any sense of value in human life.

Defenders of Polanski's acquittal for the rape of a 13-year-old girl

Ah, I get it:

• Giving a "great contribution to the world of cinema" makes it alright to commit the rape of a child.
• Simply being forced to avoid making movies in Hollywood means he's "atoned" for his actions.
• Only commiting ONE rape means that it's alright because he's "functioned in the world without any further problems of that nature after that."
  

Wait...really?
Just because someone is a fascinating person with a larger-than-life resume who has avoided a failed legal system does not mean he can erase the past.

Seriously, a time comes when you have to comprehend that a person, regardless of his or her achievements, is still a person. Our culture adores watching pedophiles and rapists go away (just check out the ratings of Law & Order: SVU), yet only if they are the creepy fellow down the block or somebody not from our town. Heaven fucking forbid that it is a celebrity who has achieved powerful things through art. I love his films, I will not deny that. But I refuse to look past the fact that he drugged and orally, anally, and vaginally penetrated another human being (and a 13-year-old one, at that). And even fucking Whoopi damn Goldberg thinks that it's not "rape-rape" so it's a-okay! Ah, you made great movies, feel free to pillage as you please? Since when did art trump the importance of human life?

A decision to acquit would be a message through a megaphone to all monetarily and fame-wise successful celebrities of the world: IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE, YOU ARE FORGIVEN PROVIDED YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL. This, as we all know, is injustice. I don't care if somebody finds fucking Eden on Earth; it wouldn't make me believe they are worthy of forgiveness if they raped somebody in the process. So fuck you, Hollywood. You are more cruel and disgusting than ever before.

Well, fuck. Rapists and pedophiles of the world, get your cameras ready, make a movie, and all will be forgiven!

"Please, all we want is to go back home."

d-9.com

I'm actually pretty stoked. But then again, I am a sucker for (1)a more interesting take on genre films (2)elaborate viral campaigns. :P

This reminds me of the recent $70 zombie film that made it into Cannes. The budget basically covered tea and a baseball bat, or something along those lines. Marc Vincent Price filmed it, planned it, edited it, mixed it, blahblah etc. and made an admirable, awesome movie. This is not what it has in common (IMO) with "District 9," however. "Colin" is a zombie film, but offers the perspective of a zombie. "District 9" is a sci-fi alien film, but with sympathy and perspective from aliens.

My only complaint is, as with most alien films, the non-humans are so human-like. Obviously, I cannot say from experience that that wouldn't be true, but I mean...a being from another galaxy which has innumerable differences in conditions in comparison to Earth, and yet it walks on two legs, has arms, breathes, and speaks? This sounds...unlikely. Regardless, though, it seems like an interesting film.

Plus, the viral campaign is pretty interesting. There are multiple websites that are part of said campaign, including a website that details the "organization" that basically owns the non-humans and their technology as well as a blog by an "anti-MNU activist" non-human who is trying to expose the evils of that corporation. There are some points that could be better (for example, the "comments" on the blog of the activist are pretty laughable and sound like the way a "cool mom" tries to talk to her kids with phrases like "DON'T BE A HATER, YO"), but I'm digging poking around. :D It makes me happy when films put in considerable effort to building suspense. Basically, I look forward to seeing it and I hope it lives up to my expectations.

Sunset is an all day process.

Decisions: I make odd ones. That is unrelated, but not irrelevant.

I'm home now. It's 4:49 AM and jet lag is annoying (it feels like 1:49, which is still late, I s'pose, but not really for me). My dad picked me up at the airport, we picked up Panda, and she and I hung out all night. It was really nice and I'm fucking stoked on this summer. Om nom nom, there will be BAKED GOODS. And tits. Everywhere.

I went to the airport yesterday to come home; Delta fucked up and I couldn't until today. So instead, I watched horror movies with David all day Sunday (and some of Saturday). Some bad, some good. Three...Extremes, Washingtonians (MoH), Tooth & Nail (8 FTDF), The Damned Thing (MoH), The Blair Witch Project (kehkeh, still gave me a nightmare, oddly enough), The Screwfly Solution (MoH), Dream Cruise (MoH)...probably more but I can't remember now. Screwfly Solution had good ideas but a nonlinear, irritatingly bad storyline. Three...Extremes is really fantastic; I've seen it before but never watched "Box" (the Takashi Miike one - I think I love every movie I've seen of his) and I fucking adored it. It's beautiful and subtle, high context and so harsh. I really love it.

You're rich but I'm free.

Dream Cruise, The Washingtonians, The Damned Thing...all terrible. Some Masters of Horror films are awesome (Imprint, Jenifer, and Cigarette Burns). Some are pretty decent (The Fair-Haired Child, Sick Girl, Family, Pro-Life, Incident On & Off A Mountain Road). And some are fucking horrendous (these previously stated ones along with Chocolate, Deer Woman...probably others). Meh, ah well. The ones that are incredible are genuinely fantastic and worth seeing. Cigarette Burns is one of my favorite movies, period. I think it's pretty ingeniously done and it genuinely scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it. Highly recommended if you actually like horror and the idea of horror films affecting people strongly.

Saturday night, I went to Leslie's and said bye to some people who graduated as well as some people I just won't see the rest of the summer. I got a bit drunk. Understatement. Before I got that drunk, I ran into a door. My nose still hurts but it's kind of funny (now). It was a good time, though. Went to Sad House after. I can't wait to move in. I love preparing for shit and I've already decided how I'm sewing my curtains, pillowcases, etc. and that I'll have a queen size mattress, a record player, and a nice little wood desk. Anyways, precious moment that night:

Trevor, me, and Nathan. Precious.

I'm hopefully getting scarification this summer. The backs of my legs are begging for it. The cuttings (or, perhaps, I might just do red ink so it's permanently red) will look like these pictures (I haven't decided on a definite one, yet):

(Obviously, there will be less detail if it's a cutting.) I'm stoked. I'm definitely getting some text with them; either cursive, red text underneath in Spanish or another short Times New Roman literary quote nearby.

"Is New York sucking the soul out of him?"

At Chapman Coffee House. Life is pretty damn good right now despite finals and exhaustion and all that.

Thursday, Tim showed up with his friend Alex. They hitchhiked down here (seriously) because they were on tour and their van broke down in Redding, CA (up north). But Tim promised he'd see me and so they somehow got down here. Us, Greg, David, Heidi, and Greg's new housemate Mikey went to Nathan's and hung out there and drank for a while. Then we walked back at around 2 and Tim, Alex, and I passed out in my room.

Friday, we went and got food and then the two of them came with me to Julia's place because I was in her Visual Storytelling final project. We left around 7, got Chinese food with David, and then went to a movie with Heidi and him at about 10. We saw the remake of Last House On The Left which I will rant about briefly:
The remake is nearly completely different from the original. The original is much closer to an exploitation film than a horror, which is what the remake basically was. The original has different characters, an overall different emotion to the film, and the cinematography was insanely different. The music, particularly, is what makes the first one so uncomfortable but at the same time bearable. They took out quite a bit because it would never, ever be able to be produced today by a major company; things like the mother biting off one guy's dick and the forcible lesbian rape and etc. Instead, they replaced these with even more nudity (because that's more acceptable provided it's female full frontal) as well as "creative" gratuitous violence. Whereas the original, most of the people killed are shot or stabbed, a more likely happening (though, obviously, these are still terrible things), there is a considerable amount of people getting killed off in less "standard" ways. The acting sucked, the script was terrible...it was just an overall annoying film. But it was $1.75 at the dollar theater so whatevah.

Saturday, I woke up for set at 5 AM (a visual storytelling set that was a 12-hour day...seriously). Tim and Alex left a few hours after I did. I got back around 2ish, went to Bliss with Heidi and Anna, and then went back and napped for a while. Then, at about 7, Greg, Heidi, and I got 40s and drank a bit, then went to the Music Tech release party thing at Oliphant. It was super, SUPER fun and we all danced a hell of a lot. I particularly loved Justin, Eric, Andrew Swanson, Dillon, and this other fellow I've met once or twice's sets. They were all super good. Oh, and some girl named Miwa (I don't know if I spelled that right) was fucking amazing. We went to Tiny House after with Matt and it was an overall really good night.

Right now, I'm at Chapman Coffee House with Heidi and we're about to head over to Sad House (soon to be our Glad House!) for Niels' Norwegian Independence Day party. :) I'm stoked.

I need to do some essays and study a bit, but I did that two days ago for a while and I'll do more later tonight, as well as tomorrow post-makeup final.

Oh, and I think I lost 4-5 lbs. I've been walking a lot and eating less, and I feel pretty good. This means I'm about 130, I believe. I'm trying to care less and less; hopefully I can do that sooner rather than later.

Some guy just said the quote that I made the topic of this post.

Stay hungry, stay free, come dance with me.

The past four days have been fucking intense. Between Friday at 10 am and last night at 2am, I slept a total of 3ish hours, ate a total of 500 calories (maybe), and got way too much exercise.

Friday:
I'm having a hard time remembering because, as I've said before, I forget things incredibly easily and often don't remember what I'm doing, who I am, etc. But basically, I did the makeup for Rocky Horror and then left to go to the dance show. I met up with Marie and eventually Heidi. It was a great performance and I'm glad I went.

Then, Heidi and I went to That 70s House. We got fairly dressed up because it was a 70s Porno Party/Everyone's Birthday Party. We proceeded to drink quite a bit and, because Brian was DJing (as well as a few other people), we danced a hell of a lot with everyone. I should not be allowed to dance. Seriously. I legitimately suck at it but I have way too much fun doing it, so I s'pose it doesn't actually matter. Anyways, Heidi jumped in the pool at some point and then Nathan brought Heidi home. I went back with him to Leslie's, then Trevor drove me home (I don't recall most of this), and then David came over because I started getting really upset for some reason, to say the least of the situation.

Saturday:
He took care of me, I passed out, and then woke up at fucking 10 am because I had to go to Wes's set (in Long Beach) for a pick up from two weeks ago. The only awesome (read: fucking amazing) thing was that Long Beach CC has bunnies everywhere. Everywhere you look: RABBITS. They ate from our hands and a couple crawled in my lap. SO cute. We were there from 10:30ish to 5, at which point Matt brought me back and Heidi and I got ready for the premieres. We got super dressed up for it; I even wore my prom dress/dress from Rosa's intermediate, haha.

Time Traveler was amazing, of course. There were a few others that were fucking amazing as well as a few that were...well, one of them looked like it was edited using iMovie or something to that effect and another was basically "The Hills"-type people with fake blood. Anyways, we sat in the back for the first two, then came and sat with Eric/Nathan/etc. Afterwards, Eric took us back to our rooms, she and I curled our hair and then walked to someone's house for a party.

It was a really nice time, actually. I got kind of fucked up but not tanked like the day before. Heidi and I met some new friends who ended up being super nice folks. She left at around 2:30ish with Zac, Jesse, Caleb, and a few other people. I ended up staying with Alex until about 3:15 and then we left to walk to Zac's to meet up with them. We wound up going the (very) wrong way for about an hour - almost to the freeway on Tustin. Then some super creepy guy came out from behind the gas station on the corner of Glassell and Walnut and freaked us the fuck out. We basically ran to Zac's, got there at 4:30, and Heidi and I talked for a long, long time. I had to be on set at 6 so I just decided to stay up all night. Alex passed out and so Heidi and I walked back to

Sunday:
I went to set at 6:15, got there around 7:30ish, and passed out after I did the actor's makeup. It was a really cute place; there were literally around a hundred animals (38 cats, 35 dogs, monkeys, a parrot...seriously, AWESOME) because it was a place where they train animals for films, tv, etc. It was a shoot for an OC Register commercial. I was exhausted the whole time, though, so I didn't feel very well. We got back at 7:30 pm and Marie, Heidi, and I went to The Saloon for the Music Conference. It was really nice, fairly low-key, and extremely fun. We danced quite a bit and I saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. It was actually a pretty wonderful night. Afterwards, I went with Bianca and Heidi. Eventually, I hung out with David; we got tacos and burritos and a Slurpee. A peach mango slurpee = fucking awesome, by the way. I couldn't eat half of what I got, though; I felt too sick. I don't know why I've been getting so ill lately. Goddamnit.

Today, I emailed Professor Esdale and Professor Glaser, my American Lit and Intro to Poetry teachers, respectively. I explained why I don't go to a lot of classes and received pretty positive messages (spoken and emailed) back. Thank goodness. I actually really love both of them in terms of their interest and knowledge about writing, lit, etc. and I even like their classes. I went to Poetry today and we watched a film about Langston Hughes. Talib Kweli was in it as well as the co-producer of Def Poetry Jam, among many others, and it was really great to listen to all the people who have been inspired by the Harlem Renaissance and Hughes and others.

I don't wanna cry my whole life through

Yeah, I wanna do some laughing, too

So come on, come on, come on, come on and

dance with me.

I swear, I care.

Two posts in like four hours. Oh, dear.

Yesterday: Heidi and I went to visit folks at the film school while they finished "The Time Traveler." We wore pajamas. Then, Heidi and I went to Rocky Horror rehearsal with Nathan. Then we went back and hung out at his place for a while, drank a bit, and Sabrina came over, as well. We ended up going over to Whitney's because it was his birthday. Proceeded to get more drunk. Left around 3:30, fell asleep at 4, and woke up today at 9:30 am. How? No idea.
Today: Woke up early. Had lunch with Heidi, Jessica, and John. Doing makeup for Rocky Horror, going to the dance show, then going to That 70s House for their 70s porno party.
Tomorrow: Showing girl who's working on Jessica's set what to do for makeup, then pick-up for Wes's set at 10. Getting super dressed up with Heidi. Then pre-gaming (most likely with Nathan) and being his pseudo-dates for "The Time Traveler" premiere at 7! Afterwards, some sort of party, I'm assuming.
Sunday: Call is at 6 am at the film school for a commercial for the OC Register that I'm doing makeup for (we're working with FIFTEEN CATS...!!!) and going to Santa Clarita for that. Back around 7 and then going with Heidi to the Music Conference at the Saloon.


Time is the weirdest commodity.

And when my balls are finally big enough to do it:

Cleaning up messes you make always feels a little odd. Your hands get kind of dirty in the process; picking the shit off the ground puts more filth on your fingers than tossing it on the floor originally did in the first place. I'm trying, in any case.

I remember when I was slightly younger (i.e. 15-17), I used to go on these super mega rants where I'd just rage on things that pissed me off. I still do that to a certain extent but...more composed, I guess. I occasionally go off on things in my head but it's rare that I actually write it out (though last spring I did type this massive rant, which you can read/graze through if you're added via my Facebook). I think it is pretty important, though, to understand how to argue. Productive arguing is an incredibly important skill to have regardless of what you do in life; you will meet people who will disagree with you and, yes, of course we all have different opinions. Yes, of course it's easier to accept everyone's opinions, yadda yadda yadda...but being able to actually discuss and argue your own point is vital in order to have a productive society that doesn't just accept shit and move on. It's easy to not question anybody else's actions, but analyzing and being able to explain the ideals and motivations behind the actions is necessary, almost always. I'm not saying we all need to argue that the other person is wrong, but you should damn well be able to express, explain, and (if needed) defend your own points. Meh, anyways...I was saying that I used to go on rants. And I was going to say (and now shall) that I am probably going to begin doing that again here. Just a note.

Spring break is next week. I'm stoked for a break, holy shit. I'm so, so stoked just to...sleep more, and not worry about missing things if I choose to not go places. I need to start working out. I'll have time; hopefully I'll have the energy, too. I'm not going home because it's too expensive and even though I want to ask my parents again, I know they'll (1)say no but (2)feel guilty for saying no, and I'd rather just not cause them to feel guilty. Plus, my friends will all be in school (our spring break is kind of late). So, I might go up to LA with Zak a few times and then visit Regina in San Diego at some point. Probably other things, too; who knows. Generally, I'm just plain stoked.

This past week has been sort of a blur. I got pretty ill on Thursday due to a poor decision I made regarding substances, but it was still a pretty good night. I went to the party at Tiny House for their new-found room. Matt took us girls home (I think we were all really sick), but I couldn't sleep so I found Alex, we talked, and I ended up sleeping in his room while he slept on the floor. Really nice of him; mental note - bring him cookies. Friday, I went to the Saloon with Jessica and her friends from home, we hung out with Matt and quite a few other folks, and I got to talk to Rob quite a bit. It was a really nice night, though I did have a bit of a hangover the next day. Theeeen, Saturday, Heidi and I went to Dillon's beer commercial shoot where they needed extras to be at a party. We drank a bit, I hung out with Rob later, then went home and fell asleep around 2 because I had to be up kind of early for the intermediate that I'm in.

Speaking of which: I'm so stoked to see Vinnie's production when it's done. :D I play a superhero and David Applebee plays a young man who dies while I'm trying to save him. It was so much fun to shoot on Sunday. Afterwards, we went and got Cherry On Top; they now have pomegranate frozen yogurt. Seriously. Fucking amazing. After I got back, I showered thoroughly because we had been in a dirty alleyway all day and the scene took place mainly on the ground. I couldn't remove some of the body makeup, haha. :( Then I went over to Eric's and we watched Rosemary's Baby. Cute movie, right? Yes.

Today, I talked to Mohammad for a little while. I miss him and his big cream-colored house. I miss New York and at least three of my friends' houses. Gah. Fucking planes and their expensiveness.

I realize there's only a certain extent to which I can be honest in this. Or...elaborate. It's not like I lie; I just don't tell the entire story because regardless of the fact that not many people actually do read this...a lot of people can read this, and so I'd rather just save details for my paper and pen journal.

Marie took this two weeks ago:

Help, I'm alive.

La la la, Sam is unhappy, la la la, Sam is confused. So it goes.

I have so little motivation to do almost anything lately. I've been writing some poetry but much less than usual, and I haven't been happy with it. I've been eating less than usual because everything has this odd twinge of another taste to it; it's either a slight vomitlike flavor or a super bitter aftertaste. Unfun. But I suppose it's helping me "get healthier," not that I really give a damn if I'm lower than my current 8/10 size; I just want to be on a healthier track. Curves are curves and I've come to terms with mine. I think I damn near like them, nowadays. But I think I've lost probably three pounds. My pants keep getting looser so I suppose that's a sign.

I made Chris a mix that has Deerhoor and Wilco and other stuff. I wanted to include Metric, Red Sparowes, more Why?, Lemuria, Sigur Ros, Beatles, and some other stuff, but didn't have room. Damn you, mix CDs, with your teensy allotted space. I love putting songs in specific orders, though, so it is nice that it's not just hundreds of songs all clumped together on a disk drive just to be uploaded and scrambled in a nonspecific grouping.

Anyways, I was pretty ill two days ago. Fever and an inability to stop shaking. Alex came to drop off our Western book for class, saw me all sickly, opened the window, was sweet about stuff, etc. I feel better now but I'm still a little sleepy. I need to write a 4-page draft by tomorrow for Writing About Film about lighting and sound techniques used in Barton Fink. Not difficult, just tedious. I have a production meeting tonight for Campeater. I'm totally stoked. This coming weekend is the second one for Cameron's film , then comes Campeater, then I think I'm helping with Chris's woodland, weird, avant-garde (who knows) project that sounds rather fun, and then I think I'm free for two weeks followed by doing makeup for Wes' film. And Vinnie asked me to audition for his intermediate project to be a superhero! Fan-fucking-tastic, seriously; I'm really hoping that goes well (it's this Friday). I am so bad at acting on stages because it's very scary to know that you don't really get a second chance, though people notice problems far less from faraway. In film, you have to deal with being super close to your audience, but you still get a ton of chances to get it right.

Anyways, photos from the past few weeks:

2nd weekend of "The Time Traveler"

Nathan getting ready for his cameo with me in the plaid


Filming in the Mormon house


Niels displaying the proper way to say "cunt" in sign language


Actors getting down to business


Birdies at the Mormon house; they needed a bit of quieting


Heidi, Eric, and Jessica. Three of the reasons this set was super fun.


Heidi caught me outside


1st wrap party

Heidi, Marie, Jessica, and I


2nd sort of wrap party on the beach (I think it was near Newport but I could be wrong; it was at least near Crystal Cove)



Me, Heidi, & Regina


Zak, me, Ade


Me, Nathan, Greg, and Heidi


Regina's room


Chris and myself being washed in light


Regina being cute


Me doing Greg's makeup


Chris with Regina's headdress on. Check out the background.


Heidi and Regina, also being cute

You've gone skinny all alone in New York City.

I went to bed at 6:30 this morning, slept until 3 pm, and now I can't sleep.

After filming was finished, there was a party at Nathan's and it was extremely fun. I drank quite a bit more than usual, though, and had a really good time. At about 5:30ish, I went with Nathan and Niels to Jack in the Box (I'd never been there) and then to the latter's house. About an hour later, Niels started driving me home, saw a cop car, and I got out and walked the rest of the way (which was literally like a block and a half and I was just too drunk to realize how close their house was to my dorm). Overall, it was a really good night but I had a pretty unfun hangover, which rarely happens for me, and I didn't go to my first two classes. I went to David's, slept a while and ate a sandwich, and then went to my 7-10pm class (Film Genre: the Western). It was a double-feature tonight so we watched a movie whose title I cannot remember and "Forty Guns." Barbara Steinwyck is so calmly beautiful usually...and then in "Forty Guns," she was so peculiar and awkward in her role. I could scarcely believe it was the same woman who had made me shiver while I watched "Double Indemnity."

I met Chris afterwards and we walked back to his place. We watched "All the Real Girls" which was really beautiful. Quick reasons on why I loved that movie so much (and actually was down for watching a third movie in one night):
-It has one of the most realistic couple-fight scenes I've ever seen. Seriously, that is exactly how most of my fights with someone I care very much about have been. Usually, in film, a person fixes a fight with "...BUT I LOVE YOU!" and the other character swoons and they kiss. In this one, she says "I love you!" and he basically just says, "What the fuck? Why the fuck would you say that now? You don't just fix things with 'I love you,'" and walks away.
-It's visually gorgeous. Not the people so much as everything around them.
-The music (and lack thereof) goes along perfectly with the film.
-The writing is perfect, as are the characters. In both the films I watched earlier, I honestly would not have cared if every character died (and multiple other people agreed, so I s'pose I'm not just an apathetic person), but with this film, I genuinely wanted everyone to be happy by the ending.
Basically, I loved the movie and am really glad he showed it to me. I want to see more David Gordon Green films; I believe Chris has others, so that's good. We talked for a while after that and then he brought me back around 1:30.

Now, I've been this close to sleeping for 3ish hours.

I think it possibly is my forgetfulness these past two weeks in regards to eating, but I feel like I've lost about 4-6 lbs. I would like to be between a size 6 or 8 by the time this semester's over. It's not that I don't like being a size 10 because I'm down and it's not like I honestly give a damn what the number on my tag is. It's that a size 6 or 8 would be about the right size for someone of my height who's a healthy weight to be, and a huge goal of mine is to improve my overall health because I'm sick of getting sick all of the time and my insomnia has been on my tail for years. In order to track this, I'm taking one picture every day of my figure (because actual weight numbers are unreliable).

I have a production meeting tonight. I'm stoked to be working on more senior thesis films.

Love,
Sam

"Cunt machine."

So, yesterday I got a call from Jean at 10:30, right before my Writing About Film class, saying that they needed me to be on set in Anaheim at noon. Apparently Veronica, the other makeup artist, had to take her mother somewhere after her car was stolen in LA. It was a 12-hour, but still extremely fun, day. For the most part, a few other people, namely Kelly, Jean, Niels, Daniel, and I just taught each other dirty sign language and created vulgar sentences for hours. For the most part, all the sentences included "whore," "fuck," "cunt," "member," "ponies," or "abortion" in sign language. Extremely lol-worthy as well as productive!

I only had to do the two leads' makeup and it was an indoor scene so it was all nice and simple. Afterwards, I went in Niels' car to the Saloon because it was Matt's birthday party and that was extremely fun, though at first I was a bit upset because David left right before I got there. I danced some with Zak, Heidi, and Jessica and hung out a bit with Regina and Kelsey. It was a nice night and I saw quite a few people, but I was super exhausted, it was around 2 am at that point, and so Niels brought me home. I never really talked to him before except once at the Tiny House, I think, but he's a super nice person and a good writer. Daniel, who also enjoyed sign language, asked me to do makeup for his set in three weeks, and I'm totally stoked on it. The next two weekends, I'm going to be on Cameron Clark's set and those (I believe) are all at outside locations so they should be super fun.

After he dropped me off, I ended up getting a call from Regina. She and I hung out for a while, listened to music, etc., and it was really nice. After she left, around 3:30ish, even though it was super late I still was not wanting to sleep and I called Alex who came over and we stayed up until about 6 or so. It was really, really sweet.

Today, I was on the set (though, admittedly, not doing much today besides helping clean, powder occasionally, and set stuff up) for 10ish hours and it was another good time. Heidi was there today so she, Jessica, and I had some fun. Aaand we all continued with our sign language escapades, haha. Marie, who's wonderful at photography, always takes hundreds of great photos on sets and I can't wait to see the ones from the last few days, haha. The house being filmed in was gorgeous. Afterwards, I went over to the "Sad House" (their name, not mine) which I believe belongs to Trevor, Niels, Adam, and Colin, all of whom worked on the film today. I drank a little, listened/played some music, and then Trevor drove me back. I'm so sleepy because (a)I drank a bit (b)I've been so exhausted from never getting much rest and then doing shit all day.

Tomorrow, Veronica won't be there again so I'm makeup alone. It's a half day; call's at 3. I'm stoked and plan on sleeping in quite a dern bit. This has been a surprisingly good week given the circumstances.

Good things:

• Worked (and working still) on Nathan's set
• Met nice people
• Got my picture taken by Chris/hung out with him a few times this week
  
• Finished catching myself up in Writing About Film
• Slept late today
• Saw a lot of people at the Saloon
• Walked Regina to the bus stop and we've had quite a few good conversations lately
• Wrote a hell of a lot of poetry
• Finally finished the Vagina Monologues so now I have my nights back, yay!
  

Bad things:

• Felt sick yesterday/today afternoon
• Argued with David
• Felt sort of overwhelmed with the massive amount of things going on right now

So apparently, lots more good than bad. I think I need to get sleep now, goodnight!
Sam

My name's not "Lucia Maria Perez Almanzo," I don't sell drugs, and I'm not the salsa sidekick.

I couldn't sleep last night so I watched 21 and Asylum. Asylum is just generally bad: bad cast/concept/execution and an even worse script. I found so much continuity just watching it once. Then there's 21. For the cast and budget it was given, was fucking horrendous. Kate Bosworth was either directed horribly or simply cannot act; either way, it's somebody's fault and I'd like to give whomever that may be a swift but hard smack. It's an amazing story given that it's true, and Jeff Ma is definitely an incredible person. I, like many, find it offensive that they changed the main character to be caucasion. It's unfortunate that Hollywood, in all of its trillions of dollars, refuses to take racial "risks" and actually cast people who resemble the people they're portraying. Start paying attention to what sort of characters Asian actors play (almost always, they are: gurus, martial artists, gangsters/mobsters, or geeks, or extras depending on where the story's setting is). Then take a look at who Hispanic actors play (males: gangsters, troubled youths, poor people, potheads, unintelligent comic relief; women: "fiesty chiquitas" who use frivelous Spanish when seducing men/talking to their girlfriends, older women gurus, poor people, dancers). And black actors usually end up as side characters unless the movie has an almost exclusively black cast. It fucking sucks, and television and movies could easily change this. People who love movies and TV get used to things and adjust to them at alarming rates because all they usually give a fuck about is (often mindless) entertainment, anyways. Just make sure the characters aren't gay because then we're all just going to hell, obviously.

Movies I plan on watching or re-watching this week:

• El Bola (Spanish film directed by Achero Manas)
  
• Cigarette Burns (I think it'll be the fifth or sixth time)
• What's Eating Gilbert Grape (I love this movie so much)
• Eden Lake (I need to find a way to see this!)
• Suicide (German)
• Tomb of Torture (1965 Italian horror)
• OldBoy (I've been meaning to see this forevah)
  
• Man Bites Dog (this, too)
• EXECUTIVE KOALA
  

My ears are still 4g but the SF glass tunnels Olivia lent me have HUGE front flares. I really like them, though; they're super comfy. I'm gonna have to buy myself a pair on BAF next time I have dinero!

I have no answers, I'm rambling.

You know how in Slaughterhouse 5, Vonnegut talks about being "unstuck in time"? That, for some reason, is how I constantly feel.

I am perpetually feeling like I have no solid place in time and that I am incapable of just settling down and dealing with it. When I'm in "right now" and think about the "past," I get somewhat upset because I have no control over that anymore. And the future? We're tricked into believing we have tons of control over our choices but really, we're given a set of circumstances, a pencil, and told to choose A, B, C, or D. Then we deal with what we've done and go from there.

To be totally honest, I'm really terrible at being honest. Not because I love lying but more because I like shifting the truth to my liking; if you don't have the ability to control what's going on, why not attempt to change the way it's viewed? Half the time, that's more important than what it all is in actuality. It's not as though I lie constantly and I certainly don't typically lie when it will (1)affect the way people view other people - I try to give them credit and just hope they'll see each other for who they are regardless of my opinion most of the time (2)hurt somebody in general. I try not to get lost in untruths but sometimes, if you've only told yourself the lie, you tend to murk the waters a little too much. Now I'm just rambling.

Current events: Saturday, David and I got dinner and went to My Bloody Valentine. We both love horror and have seen quite a bit, so this wasn't really a unique experience minus (1)seeing it with tons of loud OC residents (2)the 3-D aspect. Pretty bad script, cop-out ending, kinda tasteless gore. With such a big budget, they could have done better. We then went over to James' apartment and hung out, drank a bit, and then went back and crashed around 3 or 4 am. Last night, I went to James' again last night and he, his roommate Tyler, his girlfriend Jessie, and I just drank and watched silly reality shows. It was a really nice night and definitely the break I needed from the tension in my room.

Ever since I was very young, I've been watching planes fly over my house and wishing I was on one of them. Not to escape permanently, though. I just want to be New somewhere.