I just dance the way I feel.

Game 23135

I left New York and moved into the Aspens in the same day (July 27th). Eric picked me up from the airport, we met up with Gina and her dad, and we moved some shit in. He left, Gina & her papa left, and I ended up with Greg, Wes, and Cam later that night, making toasts regarding coasts. Most of the rest of these two weeks have been sort of a blur.

The Saturday after moving in, we had a party of sorts for Justine, Gina's bffl from San Diego. A bunch of her friends came over (and were really lovely so I hope they come back again sometime) and so Cam & I went out to dinner with them. We were then joined by Adam, Cam, Greg, Steph, and Jesus. It was raaad and we realized that our downstairs neighbors are pretty chill considering nobody got upset at us for the dancing and (rather loudly) blasting electro. Overall, a solid night.

Jared and I hung out for a day which was lovely, though I think I overwhelmed him with people and sushi, haha. He helped me move, though, which was super nice of him and hopefully he returns to Ruby Woo (my temporary name for this here apartment, haha). Cam and I borrowed Dave's car and moved my bed/mattress/etc. stuff so I have, finally, entirely moved out of my old house. Finally.

Cam and I went to Haven and I got their fried chicken + waffle. Totally not worth $15...I would rather go to Roscoe's any day. Ever.

Anyways, photos.

I love love love looking at clouds. So much.

Team Movers ahoy.

O haiiii result of lots of carrying! I love our living room.

Mreow.

Cammy Cam after we went antique shopping.


Shooting up at Griffith Park with David, Sean, Wes, and Greg.

Oh, look...the Hollywood sign.

Classy.

Love love love this one of Gina.

Sassy-drunk.


Loved this crowd.

So fucking excellent.

$5 "dress."

Adam always wins, obviously.

Neppers doing his thing.

For Cam's "last night" (which wound up being second to last due to rideshare failure), we went to Haven and had a swell dinner. Well...minus hot sauce getting all over my waffle. Some combinations of random foods are great (like avocado + anything ever, ever, ever). Some, like hot sauce and waffle = no. Fuck no. Nevertheless, it was a nice night. I also got red velvet cake frozen yogurt at Cherry On Top...BOMB.

Anyways, it's been nice so far. I just want to relax. Uh, I daresay...I'm just trying to have a good time with my friends.

Doo doo, doo doo.

First of all, I strongly recommend you read Gina's latest entry. I giggled up a goddamned storm.

Secondly, I've been thinking about the future a lot (because what else is there to imagine when things are the way they are at the moment?), and I think a fair amount about what raising kids will belile.I think about having kids someday, sometimes I think about how I'll never fool them into believing Christopher Columbus was a good person. How I'll never let them think America was populated in a kind, nurturing, non-violent way. I'll tell them about what was done to the Native Americans and to slaves and to immigrants, and what's still fucked up about the world. I won't tell them our government is perfect or that it's the best kind there is. I'll always tell the truth and give my honest opinion when it comes to information because it's irresponsible not to.

I'll never buy meat or dairy sourced from factory farms, and someday, I'll give them the choice of being vegetarian. I won't let them drink coffee. I will never let them feel alone; if I have a daughter, and if/when middle school sucks for her, I will make sure she stays strong but never force her to go. I'll try not to yell. I will change if I have to, for their sakes. I'll never try to live vicariously through them, ever, and never force them to do something simply because they're good even if they don't like the activity. I will do my very, very best to never say anything I don't mean in arguments. And I will never put my burdens and bitterness on or towards them. We will have a dog, a cat, and cows, and I'll always teach them how important animals' rights are. If their father is, in any way, a negative influence on their lives, it'll be a "one strike and goodbye" policy, because that is how shit should be. They will always come first.

Thirdly, I have been painting a lot lately. Almost non-stop. I started about a week ago and I can't stop; I love doing it so much. I also bought some new and colorful yarn so I can start knitting again. :)

And fourth, my dream on Wednesday night: I was dating Simon Adebisi (for those of you who don't watch Oz, he is played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje who also plays Mr. Eko on Lost). We boned in a sickeningly yellow room, then I played a soccer game with bare feet in my bright red fluffy bathrobe. He cheered me on. It was lovely o' him.


And my dream last night: James and I were driving in a cul-de-sac and he was drunk. He said he would never drink again but he kept driving. It was night outside. Later, Manda and I were with Eddie in a little museum-house. It had slanty ceilings and I was so confused as to where everything was. Manda and Eddie wanted to continue to a different room while I studied some drawings. There was one that was a blue ship on white paper that was angled oddly. I tried to take a photo of it on my phone but I couldn't for some reason. The other drawing was on rectangular (longer width, shorter length) yellow construction paper. It was an orange--with white streaks--furry creature with green eyes in the middle (maybe slightly right of middle) of the page. Then on the far right, almost walking off the page, the outline and slight details of an alien with a large rounded head facing the right side, off-page. I remember drawing his eyes Maybe laughing. He looked like the Futurama tv anchor guy.
There was also a different dream after (or maybe before) where I was driving down this street (that was strikingly similar to James' mom's street in Syracuse towards the ghetto Wegmans on the West Side) but it was day time. I can't remember the situation but I was driving with somebody and I don't think I could drive straight. It was definitely weird though. What was I trying to find?

Let's be honest...

...If there's anything I'm going to be fucking awesome at, it'll be being a mother.

Sure, I'm swell with makeup, I'm a decent enough writer, and I used to be able to sing, and hopefully someday I'll be a terrifying and stellar lawyer, too. But y'know, I feel happiest when I'm caring for another person taking care of other people. Regardless of whether it's biologically my own or I adopt him or her as my own, no matter; I plan on loving my kids to pieces and never forgetting every time I've ever said, "When I'm a parent, I'll never do ______" because that's some important shit to remember, generally speaking. It won't happen for at least another five years, but whatever. I'm still stoked all the same.

Also, Brian (my 25-year-old brother) just screamed at me, called me a whore, and told me he doesn't want me here (in NY) and that neither does the rest of my family, so I guess I'm peacing out asap. Unfortunate, but that's how shit crumbles, and though I dealt with this sort of bullshit for 19 years, I'm fed up and don't feel like it anymore. I need a job, anyways, and Syracuse has so far been rather barren. I desperately need to buy a car, as there is no way I'll be able to get one without saving quite a bit of money.

Most of my friends in general have cars that their parents gave them or a relative passed on to them, which is mega swell (though a lot of them seem to not realize how lucky they are?), but unfortunately, my parents play favorites and have given both my brothers great cars and we have five cars at our house (and five people), but I am the only person who is not able to borrow one of them during the school year. And yet, I am the only one who makes an effort in school, graduated high school on time, and actually tries to work whenever possible. I am totally not complaining about having to buy my own car; that would be silly. I'm merely upset that my parents are sometimes remarkably blatant with their favoritism and they always make sure it's known that they resent me for a couple o' things, one of which is going to a far away school. Sorry, but Chapmantown gave me $33,000 in financial aid and that was too good to not take? Plus, they had opera, which used to be what I wanted and now it's too late to transfer anyways. Argh. I just need to get out of this house. I felt sad from the minute I showed up.

Little Harold and I at the camp in Maine when he was very wittle in 2007

Olivia and I in like summer 2009. She is so rad. :D

Hehe.



Olivia and I around Christmas 2009 I believe :)

Today at the Memorial Day parade with Little Harold :)

Starry-eyed

O rly, random Tumblr dashboard post?

I wish that it was impossible to care about somebody unless they cared about you. Like, your mind would not physically cooperate and let you have any emotions towards another person if he or she didn't give a damn about you in the same manner. But alas, I think that just makes our minds more inclined to enjoy that person's company, or lack thereof.

I am so angry with myself for destroying so much of what I had because I had a fucking hunch that things would work out. I was so used to being mutually loved that I didn't understand how, if I started a new relationship, that somebody I loved might not love me back. I mean, why the hell would you be with a person if you didn't love them, right? Welcome to 2009 Sam's magical logic that demolished any assemblance of what I had as a life prior to things changing. Over the course of a few months, I switched from being somebody who had (1)a certain future (2)somebody who loved them unconditionally (3)everything I needed in terms of support and time and became somebody--by choice, no less--who had (1)no security for future plans (2)a sort-of-boyfriend who wasn't even sure if they wanted to be in a relationship with young-and-psychotic-Sam in the first place (3)next to no support because I was terrified that if I asked for it, I'd be seen as needy (which, of course, I am) and would be rejected for that.

So, in conclusion, ladies & gentlemen:

Do not ever destroy what is a good and certain thing for what is not a sure thing, no matter how lovely you think things may turn out. Because it probably won't. Because if you are lucky enough to have somebody that loves you, you should probably just stay put because it is doubtful that you'll find that again for a long, long time, if ever.

But I will note that I only half regret my actions, because it would be irresponsible of me not to say so. I only regret them in retrospect because right now, I'm not feeling so positive about my choices, but when they were happening, I would've told anybody who doubted me that I knew exactly what I was doing (and I think I did?) and that things would be fine.

But people are so fickle; they fall in love at different angles.

This is an entry about my now-platonic ex-boyfriend who is awesome. So if you think that's weird, stop reading. But Manda and I were discussing him after we dropped him off earlier, so I've decided to write about him because Tim, to be honest, is a severely fascinating person, and we have a weird history.

So last night, Tim came over and it was the first time I'd seen him in 5 months. We wnt on the playground near my house, talked for a long time and watched the sunset (which was BOMB, wow). Then Manda met up with us at my house and we went to Wegmans. Tim, my most resourceful friend--this kid seriously got to California to visit me and back to NY via train hopping and hitchhiking without almost any money--now has food stamps. So he offered to get Manda and I some groceries, which was really lovely of him. I made dinner at my house and we ate the aforementioned veggie pulled "pork" sandwiches + low calorie waffles on the kitchen floor. :)

We made a fire in the fire pit and it was really, really nice. It was just like 9th grade again when I was dating Tim and Manda, him, myself, and (shudder) Nicole/Megan/etc. hung out. Seriously, we had some rad times with Tim. Like the time David and I broke up and so Tim walked like five miles to my house, listened to me cry (on that same playground) for like an hour, then he peed on Justin's house because Justin was a douchebag to Manda that night, we went back to Manda's with Kelsey as well (none of us three could drive at this point in 2007) and I cried some more.

But he listened, because he is the only ex-boyfriend I've had with whom there weren't any weird complications with, or hard feelings. I mean, I was pissed when we broke up--he was my first "serious" relationship or whatever, but we dated more than five years ago so things aren't exactly volatile anymore. Plus, we totally still love each other in the most friend way possible and I'm just stoked that I have one of those "normal" ex-relationship-friendships for once, rather than the (1)"I-still-want-to-get-back-together-so-this-really-sucks" friendship or the (2)"fuck you, you piece of shit" friendship or the (3)"seriously, Tom, I might just send somebody to run you over" friendship. In any case, Timmy is rad, and he still laughs when I pull out the, "WELL YOU BROKE UP WITH ME JERKFACE!" card (which, I swear, is always for the lulz and in no way a sensitive topic). I'm just...stoked that I still have a fellow who isn't resentful towards me and isn't trying to bone. It's sweet.

Manda and I have watched Tim:

• Drink upwards of 4 forties numerous times starting at age 14 (even though he lied and said he was 2 years older for the next three years).
• Be in at least 4 punk bands.
• Wear a tutu in exchange for a fedora. And let me put him in makeup multiple times.
• Eat meat. Then became vegan for four years. Then started eating meat again like a month ago.
• Publicly pee on our ex-boyfriends' houses.
• Live with my douchiest ex in a collective house on Westcott, and in one night, hit on both of us (alcohol was involved, of course).
• Wear the tightest pants imaginable. EVER. And he fit into my size 1 pants from 9th grade.
• Hardly shower but still remain quite attractive.
• Stretch his septum to 0g (that is 8mm, mind you: half the size of my lobes) and then suddenly decide it wasn’t cool anymore.
• Argue about politics more times than I can count.
• Stop listening to Agnostic Front and start listening to post-rock and indie (wtf).
• Get a facial tattoo (four dots on his nose).
• Quit drinking cold turkey, go straight edge and get a damn straight edge tattoo. Right before I fucking turn 21.

A perfect example of typical Timothy: After Manda’s senior ball at her school that we went to with this kid Mike, she had a party at her house. Tim came over (and this is back when he still drank) and we were all hanging out with some other folks. Tim and Mike, who was joining the army and was a taaad bit racist, get into a massive argument about the war. 17-year-old Samantha (that is I, in 2007) decide to make them stfu by taking off my shirt and demanding they stop arguing. Mike stops arguing immediately. Tim keeps arguing. He has seen my b00bz before, it was apparently null and void and he continues to yell, “BUT SERIOUSLY, THAT’S NOT EVEN THEIR REAL MOTIVATIONS, MAN, LET’S DISCUSS THE OIL FACTOR…”

This is why we love Timmy. Now for photo-lulz in chronological order.

(Also, I was sort of a douchey mall goth when Tim and I met. Just a warning.)

The first time Timmy hung out at my house. He had been stealing a belt from a store
then he walked out of the store and his friend Arlen (who was meeting up with Manda that day
invited him to come because he knew Manda was bringing a friend (me). Tim came over to
Manda's, and I thought he fucking hated us. He came over later that night to my house, and
still thought he hated me. But Erica drove Arlen, Tim, and me to Syracuse to bring them home
and on the way back, Tim held my hand. It was friggin precious. We were dating within like 4 days, hahaha.

Manda and I maaaay have dressed Tim up a lot. But seriously: note the tight pants.

One of the first times we hung out since we broke up in 2005. I think this was taken in 2006.
I was obviously precious.

And he was willing to let Panda and I experiment on him.

Uh, back when Tim still drank (2007). He was sitting next to aforementioned Mike (ball date to Manda and I)
at BVille Diner. He had had a bit to drink. I bought him a dish of fruit because he was still vegan.
He passed out in it.

At my grandparents house in January 2009 over winter break from Chapman.

From the time when Tim hitchhiked/train-hopped dto visit me in CA last year
with his buddy Alex. They even visited the smoker's table. ;D

The facial tattoos!

And finally, the photos from tonight. :) Timmy + Manda!

Manda and I!

Timmayyy and I.

Oh, and look at the fucking sky from last night:

Oh, and I kinda wanna dye my hair black again. I look like a boy.

Ryan and I circa late 2007/early 2008.

Still one of my all-time favorites of Manda.

Also, don't assume because I wrote some big ol' entry about the kid that I'm into him or something. We're just buds. I frequently go on raving about Manda, Ryan, Gina, Heidi, etc. as well. I have no idea why I'm announcing something that silly in my blog, but...whatever, cheers.

If at first you don't succeed, run.

Judge all you want, ladies and gentlemen.

Because you never did become an astronaut.

When I'm in airports, I feel alone, and I like it most of the time. I almost instantaneously start doing different accents (usually a southern one) when wandering the airport.

Some older fellow just took a photo of me and then smiled. That's weird.

My first flight from Syracuse to Detroit, I passed out entirely. In Detroit's airport, I passed out again. On my flight from Detroit to Salt Lake City, I either slept or talked to the guy next to me who was surprisingly nice and talkative. He's moving to Sacramento. I sometimes (i.e. most of the time) wish I didn't live in Orange and instead, up in northern CA. I was jealous--though, he is moving to Sacramento and that's the Albany/Cortland sort of area of northern CA, in my opinion.

I'm now in Salt Lake City (SL,UT) and waiting for my flight to Orange, finally. Eric's picking me up, albeit reluctantly.

Nobody's at the house for the next few weeks, so I don't really know if I'm gonna want to stay there every day. Boredom sucks and I get terrified at night when nobody's home sometimes. Tommy might stay at the house for a week or so, which would alleviate my worries haha. Today, I believe I'm hanging out with Eric for a bit and then maybe Mike and Zak, depending on whether or not they end up getting back when they planned. Tomorrow's Monday, right? And then Tuesday, I have my first 5 1/2 hour class. Life is G.

Last night, I got my new tattoo with Eddie at Scarab. Then, I went to Panda's house (every time it's the last time for a while that I'll be there, I get so sad) and we hung out and watched Law & Order and talked a whole bunch. Eddie came over a little while later, we went back to my house and eventually, James and Kari ( :] ) came over. We intended on going to Weggy's really early but instead, I packed with Kari while Panda and Eddie slept and then got so tired that I needed a little nap. Panda and Eddie slept on one half of the couch and Kari and I slept on the other, and I didn't want to wake up. But eventually, I did, and the roads were so bad that I almost said "fuck it" and wanted to just pretend I had gone back to Orange but secretly stay in NY.

Tattoo:

No body; just a cage to hold your parts

I haven't written in a while, and with somewhat good reason. It's been such a busy past two weeks, and I sort of just want to calm down for a minute. But this weekend is the second part of "Canned Ecology" which means there won't really be calm as of yet. Maybe soon. I want to go camping in the next two weeks so fucking badly.

My birthday was last Thursday and it was really, really lovely. Heidi, Eric, and I drank a bit the night before, passed out, and when I woke up, I did some stuff for "Canned Ecology" while they prohibited me from getting out of bed as they were in the kitchen. When I came out, they had made a TON of fucking bacon and literally spelled out my name in bacon as well as made a bacon weave (!!!) and a blue omelet + toast. Shit was so bomb. Best breakfast ever.

After nomming the shit out of that bacon and essentially ingesting a heart attack, I re-blued my hair while they went to the store. After that, Heidi and I baked a ton of stuff and around some nice folks came over. It was super stellar. Ate lots of sushi, cheese, pumpkin pie, strawberry cupcakes (that Heidi decorated to look like my face, hahaha), and drank a hell of a lot of wine. Delicious. Post-dinner party, Heidi and I jetted to the radio room where we did BeezyTalk while the boys did stuff outside and Olivia hung with us. Then MoD happened, Dillon and Trevor DJ'd, shit was super fun, and we went to bed shortly after because I had set at goddamned 7 am.

All in all, very productive and lovely birthday.

The night before Halloween and Halloween both went something like: "Canned Ecology" set for 12 hours, short nap, dress up, go to costume parties. I went as a cracked out lumberjack hipster or something along those lines on the 30th-- that night, though, I was absolutely not in the mindset or mood for parties. I was pissed, miserable, and felt like shit from being awake all those hours. Halloween was better though, and we went to That 70s House for their party. It was really fun, we got pretty damn drunk, but I still managed to wake up for set the next day at fucking 7 AM.

On another note, I've been feeling slightly more antisocial than usual. And if one more person responds to that statement with, "Oh yeah, everybody burns out after freshman year for a bit, I know I did!" I will fucking scream. I know what "burning out" feels like [insert Jack Black motions a la "High Fidelity"] and I know that this isn't it. Over the past few years, I've consistently cared less and less about everyone being my friend (that's not to say I won't be friends with anybody, because I will with very little exception) and don't feel like remaining friends with anybody who doesn't put in much effort into the relationship. It just doesn't seem purposeful anymore.
"But, don't you realize that networking is what you're supposed to do in college?!"
Yes, dear imaginary questioner, I know that. And network I do. I make friendly acquaintances and friendly friends, but I do not get very close to most people because it's rarely a solid idea. I'm fine with having a few people that I can speak honestly with and share the near-full truth with.

At some point, I needed to feel great about being friends with a lot of people and rarely having anonymity, but during July 2007, I went to Ogunquit, ME and walked around for hours and hours and hours one day. Nobody knew me. Everything was free, and so was I. I turned my phone off, picked up my pen, and filled almost half a notebook between sunrise and sunset. I think that that summer was the turning point. During my senior year, I purposely tried to stop friendships I knew were one-sided or ones that bored me or ones that were with people I didn't actually enjoy being around. Once I got to college, I was pretty fucking closed off, then opened, then closed again and I don't really plan on "opening" back up any time soon. And why bother? I'm happy with the way things are in that regard, and whenever I'm trying to do too much or be around too many people, I'm fucking miserable and angry. That party on Friday just made me sickened. All I wanted to do was vom on their carpet, go home, and fall asleep. All the drunk tools trying to flirt with all the drunk girls in their pathetically trashy excuses for costumes, perusing up the skirts in the back corners of the rooms like nobody can see. Fuck that. I felt sick, and I just wanted to watch some goddamned movies with 1 to 4 people whose company I enjoy and cuddle and sleep.

Anyways, a few from the last week:

Part of a balanced breakfast!

Don't stab yourself, mister, the bacon is delicious.

Heidi, some fellah friends, and I

Purdy cute for a picture that involves me, Eric, and a piece of burned pizza.

SamCakes

That pumpkin pie was fucking badass.

Jeanie Jean lighting the candles while Mister Schwartz looks on

Blowing out candles.

Too many DJs. Ohhh.

I fully support the existence of this picture.

Excessive makeup and excessive earsies.


Creepy, creepier, & HEIDI

Quailman!

Heidi and I aka Superman and Quailman (a la "Doug")

Pascal & I


Aaand "Canned Ecology" set:
Lurking behind Dobbs

The funeral scene

Walking around the doctor's office in funeral clothes and a certain fellah's shoes because my boots were goddamned uncomfortable. And we apparently have the same size feet (I have giant feet for a girl). And they were black shoes, so regardless of style, they inherently go with a black dress [/lie].

It was fucking grandiose.