I'm not alone

I suppose this might be more of an east coast thing, but you know those mornings you wake up and you just know that it's a different season finally? It's October 4th today, and I woke up and it truly feels like fall. It's raining, but I think it would feel autumn-like anyways. I can see the rain dripping off the overhang outside my window onto the slightly-browner-than-lime-green leaves and it looks so wonderful; I feel like Halloween is coming. My birthday is the 29th...I'll be 21-years-old in 3 1/2 weeks. Finally, right?

I feel like listening to "The Christmas Song" by the Raveonettes whenever I'm really, really enamored by another person; is that odd?

It's one of those days when I can remember Christmas mornings past so vividly. The colored glass vases on my grandmother's dining room window sills that seem to show up in so many of my dreams despite spending very little time in that room, the anticipation glowing on all of our faces (and, getting older, the act of pretending to not be so eager) for the passing out of presents, the way my grandfather always makes this amazing hot fudge syrup with the perfect consistency when we sneakily make ourselves sundaes...These are the sorts of things I can't let go.

So, since I last updated...

• I believe I last wrote on August 24th or so, which was literally the day before Eric and I decided to get back together. He met my father and they got along well, which was lovely. My dad really liked Eric and Gina, and he had a great time here in California. He took Gina and I to Rodeo Drive & the Beverly Center, and we explored/shopped/took photos. :) It was so nice to have him out here; it's super rare that anyone from home can visit me.
  
• Eric and I went camping in Santa Barbara and we drove my car, which was swell (as in: he drove it on the freeway...not myself, pfffft). It was gorgeous and we were lucky enough that Whitney's dad let us use their private beach to camp on. Got drunk on Malibu and woke up to the ocean.
  
• I saw Major Lazer at the Avalon with Rocco, Sun, Abe, and CK. Bryan, Cam, and Chad were there, too, and it was amaaaazing. Ugh god. So much dancing and happytimes, but my head pounded for like 6 hours afterwards. Throbbed. Totally worth it.
• I've actually been going to most of my classes AND doing my work. Wut.
• Eric left for Kentucky around Sept. 12th. I've been seriously bummed, but he comes back in like a week and a half, so I'm getting quite excited. I've got plans for surprises...
  
• Livvy took me, Gina, and Katarina to Muse! It was such a sweet early birthday present, I lub her. <3
• Cam came back and visited and we went to the Mad Men party with Josie, Pascal, Katie, Jizzy Schwartz, etc. It was a great theme and everyone looked amazing. Well, almost everyone.
• It's been raining for a few hours now. How different and beautiful. I am afraid of CA drivers in the rain, though; it would appear most do not expect it nor understand how to drive in it. I may suck as a driver but in my brief experience, I've probably driven in the rain more than almost any of my friends just because I lived in Syracuse and it rains like every other day there.
• I need to go to the bank. And drop 5 lb.
  

Dad!

Gina and I on Rodeo

Dad, myself, and Gina nom-nomming


Bryan, Gina, Greg, Matty, myself, Mikey, and Steph the day before classes started (for like 40% of us, haha)

Eric & I at an art "show" that I won't comment on because if you can't say something nice...


Eric and I went to Santa Barbara to go camping. It was gorgeous.

Speaking of "gorgeous," I make lovely faces...












At Bryan's; trying on his DP helmets.

...Until I got attacked.


Abiel and Sun right after Major Lazer. This is exactly what my vision felt like for the next few hours.


:(


Jeanie Jean and I went to a little concert for some friends @ USC a few weeks ago. This = Fuzz, and my favorite photo my cell managed to take that night. :)


Bianca and I! <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs005.snc4/33617_475626096281_698406281_7260904_5298688_n.jpg">Seeing Muse with Katarina, Livvy, and Gina at the Staples Center. :)


Ladieeeees right before the Mad Men party. :)


Classy, Sam.

I like this picture because (1)it was not posed, I really was giving him a livid-look (2)I look skinny. Yeah, I'm that vain.



Hello, fellahs.

And ladies again!


Pascal and Josie made some amazing dinner the other night. Considering I can't cook for shit, it's extra lucky that we have friends who are damn good at it.

I just dance the way I feel.

Game 23135

I left New York and moved into the Aspens in the same day (July 27th). Eric picked me up from the airport, we met up with Gina and her dad, and we moved some shit in. He left, Gina & her papa left, and I ended up with Greg, Wes, and Cam later that night, making toasts regarding coasts. Most of the rest of these two weeks have been sort of a blur.

The Saturday after moving in, we had a party of sorts for Justine, Gina's bffl from San Diego. A bunch of her friends came over (and were really lovely so I hope they come back again sometime) and so Cam & I went out to dinner with them. We were then joined by Adam, Cam, Greg, Steph, and Jesus. It was raaad and we realized that our downstairs neighbors are pretty chill considering nobody got upset at us for the dancing and (rather loudly) blasting electro. Overall, a solid night.

Jared and I hung out for a day which was lovely, though I think I overwhelmed him with people and sushi, haha. He helped me move, though, which was super nice of him and hopefully he returns to Ruby Woo (my temporary name for this here apartment, haha). Cam and I borrowed Dave's car and moved my bed/mattress/etc. stuff so I have, finally, entirely moved out of my old house. Finally.

Cam and I went to Haven and I got their fried chicken + waffle. Totally not worth $15...I would rather go to Roscoe's any day. Ever.

Anyways, photos.

I love love love looking at clouds. So much.

Team Movers ahoy.

O haiiii result of lots of carrying! I love our living room.

Mreow.

Cammy Cam after we went antique shopping.


Shooting up at Griffith Park with David, Sean, Wes, and Greg.

Oh, look...the Hollywood sign.

Classy.

Love love love this one of Gina.

Sassy-drunk.


Loved this crowd.

So fucking excellent.

$5 "dress."

Adam always wins, obviously.

Neppers doing his thing.

For Cam's "last night" (which wound up being second to last due to rideshare failure), we went to Haven and had a swell dinner. Well...minus hot sauce getting all over my waffle. Some combinations of random foods are great (like avocado + anything ever, ever, ever). Some, like hot sauce and waffle = no. Fuck no. Nevertheless, it was a nice night. I also got red velvet cake frozen yogurt at Cherry On Top...BOMB.

Anyways, it's been nice so far. I just want to relax. Uh, I daresay...I'm just trying to have a good time with my friends.

This is your two-minute warning.

Last night, I went to Alex's and he, Mohammad, and I went skinny dipping in the Tully Lake. I somehow hadn't gone skinny dipping yet this summer (though I'm sure there'll be plenty on the NorCal trip in a few weeks...), and it was really lovely. I saw a shooting star, I swam in water where I can't see the bottom--which, I'll have you know, terrifies me.

Of course, I drank quite a bit of Bailey's before hand and they had lots of whiskey, so we were at least liqueured up and stoked, but it was overall really nice. We meant to wake up at like 8 am and leave, but we slept until probably 11, and then Mohammad and I got lost on the way back from Tully, but it's okay, because it was a gorgeous day. I love driving around that area; it's perfect. I dropped him off around noon, then James & I went back that way to the res, got cigarettes, ate dinner at his mom's apartment, and drove around for a while. I ended up grocery shopping later and now I'm just exhausted.

I'm on a 10-day fast right now where I eat less than 500 calories a day.

It sounds really stupid and unhealthy, but I'm not even doing to just to lose weight. It's more because I'm sick of being obsessed with eating and food, and always needing dessert and...I don't know, I just want to finally end my addiction and dependency on it. I've lost 8.5 lbs so far this summer (I started actively trying to lose weight at the very end of May). I'm 126.5 right now, I'd love to be 122 by the middle of August. But that's irrelevant; what's more important is that I'd love to just not constantly desire food and feel like eating when I'm happy/sad/anxious/bored.

Anyways,

There are some people whom I wish I had met when they were younger and more malleable. The older every gets, the more stubborn and unable to change. They never go gently into change; they are tentatively welcoming to everyone. When we're younger, when we're children, we're never like this. When we come to a new place, we need everyone we can get, uncautiously diving into whomever is around us. Flailing around, trying to grab some hands and defeat the loneliness that comes with change.

I don't know if law is what I really want to do, but I sort of don't feel like I have much of a choice considering I know how I want my life to end up somewhat and that involves having a decent amount of money. Yeah yeah, criticize my dollar-hugging attitude, but I would rather do a career I am 70% desiring of than that pays for my kids to go to college (without huge loans) and live in a beautiful place and travel with me than do a career I'm 95% in love with that makes it near-impossible for me to ever feel financially secure. I love memorization and I love arguing ("debating"). If there's anything I'm good at, it's finding a way to understand people's actions and words, and if necessary, use them to my advantage. People are silly, they say stupid things, they leave huge holes open in their words and behaviors. And if somebody's guilty, I always find out (always); if I can make a career out of that, then all the more happiness.

Also.

There aren't any rainbows

"The human brain is only capable of maintaining 150 stable relationships."

It is funny, then, that I am unable to hold more than a handful of them. Well, stable ones, at least.

In any case, things that have happened in the past 48 hours:

• I got my license (yes, finally; I'm nearly 21 and got it just yesterday, haha)
• I found out I didn't get the part-time job I applied for because I'll be leaving after summer
• I've run nearly 10 miles
• Because my previous laptop seems to have offed itself, I ended up getting a new laptop :) Toshiba Satellite lovely thing...
• I've eaten way too fucking much
• I cried from 5am until around 9am

James and I went to Recess tonight (I drove, yayyy). We called/texted Manda a few times each to see if she wanted to come but we couldn't get ahold of her, unfortunately. It was pouring for a minute so we waited at Recess 'til it stopped and then stopped by Mohammad's, watched the end of Mean Girls, and that was nice. We drove back and went to Wegmans, went to get fries, then I decided (post-ordering) not to get them so we drove away and went to Taco Bell, then got gas and went home. I really like driving at night; it was so peaceful.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go running somewhere other than my neighborhood now that I can actually drive away to a place, haha. I want to find some interesting/lovely things to do in CNY that I never did because I couldn't get there and nobody was interested. Hmmm...I'll figure something out. I definitely need to pick up kickboxing...

But people are so fickle; they fall in love at different angles.

This is an entry about my now-platonic ex-boyfriend who is awesome. So if you think that's weird, stop reading. But Manda and I were discussing him after we dropped him off earlier, so I've decided to write about him because Tim, to be honest, is a severely fascinating person, and we have a weird history.

So last night, Tim came over and it was the first time I'd seen him in 5 months. We wnt on the playground near my house, talked for a long time and watched the sunset (which was BOMB, wow). Then Manda met up with us at my house and we went to Wegmans. Tim, my most resourceful friend--this kid seriously got to California to visit me and back to NY via train hopping and hitchhiking without almost any money--now has food stamps. So he offered to get Manda and I some groceries, which was really lovely of him. I made dinner at my house and we ate the aforementioned veggie pulled "pork" sandwiches + low calorie waffles on the kitchen floor. :)

We made a fire in the fire pit and it was really, really nice. It was just like 9th grade again when I was dating Tim and Manda, him, myself, and (shudder) Nicole/Megan/etc. hung out. Seriously, we had some rad times with Tim. Like the time David and I broke up and so Tim walked like five miles to my house, listened to me cry (on that same playground) for like an hour, then he peed on Justin's house because Justin was a douchebag to Manda that night, we went back to Manda's with Kelsey as well (none of us three could drive at this point in 2007) and I cried some more.

But he listened, because he is the only ex-boyfriend I've had with whom there weren't any weird complications with, or hard feelings. I mean, I was pissed when we broke up--he was my first "serious" relationship or whatever, but we dated more than five years ago so things aren't exactly volatile anymore. Plus, we totally still love each other in the most friend way possible and I'm just stoked that I have one of those "normal" ex-relationship-friendships for once, rather than the (1)"I-still-want-to-get-back-together-so-this-really-sucks" friendship or the (2)"fuck you, you piece of shit" friendship or the (3)"seriously, Tom, I might just send somebody to run you over" friendship. In any case, Timmy is rad, and he still laughs when I pull out the, "WELL YOU BROKE UP WITH ME JERKFACE!" card (which, I swear, is always for the lulz and in no way a sensitive topic). I'm just...stoked that I still have a fellow who isn't resentful towards me and isn't trying to bone. It's sweet.

Manda and I have watched Tim:

• Drink upwards of 4 forties numerous times starting at age 14 (even though he lied and said he was 2 years older for the next three years).
• Be in at least 4 punk bands.
• Wear a tutu in exchange for a fedora. And let me put him in makeup multiple times.
• Eat meat. Then became vegan for four years. Then started eating meat again like a month ago.
• Publicly pee on our ex-boyfriends' houses.
• Live with my douchiest ex in a collective house on Westcott, and in one night, hit on both of us (alcohol was involved, of course).
• Wear the tightest pants imaginable. EVER. And he fit into my size 1 pants from 9th grade.
• Hardly shower but still remain quite attractive.
• Stretch his septum to 0g (that is 8mm, mind you: half the size of my lobes) and then suddenly decide it wasn’t cool anymore.
• Argue about politics more times than I can count.
• Stop listening to Agnostic Front and start listening to post-rock and indie (wtf).
• Get a facial tattoo (four dots on his nose).
• Quit drinking cold turkey, go straight edge and get a damn straight edge tattoo. Right before I fucking turn 21.

A perfect example of typical Timothy: After Manda’s senior ball at her school that we went to with this kid Mike, she had a party at her house. Tim came over (and this is back when he still drank) and we were all hanging out with some other folks. Tim and Mike, who was joining the army and was a taaad bit racist, get into a massive argument about the war. 17-year-old Samantha (that is I, in 2007) decide to make them stfu by taking off my shirt and demanding they stop arguing. Mike stops arguing immediately. Tim keeps arguing. He has seen my b00bz before, it was apparently null and void and he continues to yell, “BUT SERIOUSLY, THAT’S NOT EVEN THEIR REAL MOTIVATIONS, MAN, LET’S DISCUSS THE OIL FACTOR…”

This is why we love Timmy. Now for photo-lulz in chronological order.

(Also, I was sort of a douchey mall goth when Tim and I met. Just a warning.)

The first time Timmy hung out at my house. He had been stealing a belt from a store
then he walked out of the store and his friend Arlen (who was meeting up with Manda that day
invited him to come because he knew Manda was bringing a friend (me). Tim came over to
Manda's, and I thought he fucking hated us. He came over later that night to my house, and
still thought he hated me. But Erica drove Arlen, Tim, and me to Syracuse to bring them home
and on the way back, Tim held my hand. It was friggin precious. We were dating within like 4 days, hahaha.

Manda and I maaaay have dressed Tim up a lot. But seriously: note the tight pants.

One of the first times we hung out since we broke up in 2005. I think this was taken in 2006.
I was obviously precious.

And he was willing to let Panda and I experiment on him.

Uh, back when Tim still drank (2007). He was sitting next to aforementioned Mike (ball date to Manda and I)
at BVille Diner. He had had a bit to drink. I bought him a dish of fruit because he was still vegan.
He passed out in it.

At my grandparents house in January 2009 over winter break from Chapman.

From the time when Tim hitchhiked/train-hopped dto visit me in CA last year
with his buddy Alex. They even visited the smoker's table. ;D

The facial tattoos!

And finally, the photos from tonight. :) Timmy + Manda!

Manda and I!

Timmayyy and I.

Oh, and look at the fucking sky from last night:

Oh, and I kinda wanna dye my hair black again. I look like a boy.

Ryan and I circa late 2007/early 2008.

Still one of my all-time favorites of Manda.

Also, don't assume because I wrote some big ol' entry about the kid that I'm into him or something. We're just buds. I frequently go on raving about Manda, Ryan, Gina, Heidi, etc. as well. I have no idea why I'm announcing something that silly in my blog, but...whatever, cheers.