I'm just a moth who wants to share your light.

I wish I were more quirky, less crazy.

In all seriousness, though, I can be so remarkably irrational. And my overall worst quality is probably my impulsiveness, primarily stemming from by my incredible lack of patience. I also need to stop drinking so much. Jesus Christ.

Brief updates, photos included:

I did makeup for a KTLA morning special segment about Alex's Lemonade Stand for National Lemonade Day. It was mega-fun.

Last weekend, I went with Livvy to her family's vacation house on Canyon Lake. Super gorgeous. Went waterboarding for the first time. Fucking fun. I stood up and stayed up on my 5th or so attempt, which they said was pretty solid. Sweeeeet. Lost a high nostril screw in the process, though (what a funny statement).

Sunday night, we had our housewarming party. It was stellar minus my inability to stop drinking. Drank (estimated) a bottle of champagne, whiskey & something, cranberry juice (lite) & vodka, orange juice & champagne in addition to the bottle, aaaand probably other shit. Probably. Wtf. I got so sick and so Livvy & Cam took care of me while I breffed. I blacked out. I don't black out. I rarely, rarely black out completely. It was 11:30 and suddenly it was 2:30 in the morning. Wtf. Nevertheless, in those three hours, I'm told I mostly just giggled, yelled, bitched, and vomited. Stellar, Sam. Nice going, dog. Nevertheless, Gina was a great hostess and it was a success.

Also, prior to the party, I put up some ads from the most recent Vogue and a few from Vanity Fair on the wall.

Reuben took some photos of me last week and I really dig them. They're super fun and were really sweet of him to take.

Also, my dad's visiting and it's been really nice having him here. He is super into eating nice food at good restaurants, so yesterday we got awesome Mexican food at Ricardo's and today we ate at the Filling Station, which was delicious. Tonight, however, was the most awesome. My dad, myself, and Gina drove to Newport and ate at this remarkably fancy restaurant overlooking the water. Dinner included:

• Escargot - It was Gina's first time eating it, and they were delicious.
• Clams Cassino
• Alaskan lobster tail - Both Gina and I got this, and it was amaaazing. Beautiful presentation and everything was so perfectly light and fresh and fantastic. I know very little about cooking but I do know that that was delicious.
  
• Chilean sea bass - We're Chilean (on my dad's side) and he really digs this particular dish, but it's difficult to find so he leapt at the chance to get it. I had a bite, and the texture was super buttery-smooth but still light.

Then, we peaced out and instead of pay $20 for each dessert we'd get there, we went to a gelato place down the street and got $3 fantastic gelato. My dad got vanilla and Gina & I (following suit from dinner) each got half raspberry and half Oreo. So fucking tasty. We sang "Wild World" by Cat Stevens on the way home, which was mega rad.

Tomorrow, my dad and I are having dinner with Eric, which should be nice. And on Thursday, we're going with Gina to Beverly Hills to go shopping. Life is G. This is a good Last Week Prior To Classes Starting.

Oh, and the biggest news (because the best news = that I'm seeing my papa who I never ever see!) is that I finally have a car!!! It's so beautiful. So beautiful, omg. I'm in love. It's a 2010 Toyota Corolla S (I would've just gone with the regular one but since I'm leasing it, it's nearly the same price for the Sport version). I love it. I have named her Joan, after Joan Holloway in Mad Men. Tada:
My dad + Joan

Yayyyy! :D

Unique New York

Significant things that happen (whether definite or possible) prior to 2011:

• I turn 21 on October the 29th. I would love to go to Vegas but I sort of doubt this (though it does fall on a Friday...), so maybe I'll just do the Paul's-District-whatever thing, drink 'til I'm sick, and then have a dinner party the next night. Either way.
• I move into a new apartment with new people.
• I will [hopefully] be down to 118 or so in regards to my weight.

This week has been more uncomfortable than usual. I sleep for 8-9 hours and I wake up and feel like it's been days since I rested. When I sleep 4 hours a night, I feel tired the next day but at least I get shit done with my extra awake time. Needless, restless sleep.

I am never able to be happy. Why? Mostly because I'm impatient. Impatient people are never happy. I drive so slowly, though, because I don't want to die, but I still wish everything around me would move a little faster. I still wish everyone near me would move closer so I don't have to; I wish everyone would take the chances that I don't want to.

I simultaneously find everyone unattractive and perfect.

Last night, I dreamed so many things that it frightens me; my head is so fucking confusing sometimes. Here's the ones I can remember at the moment.

Dreams:

• A man's wife had had a child while he was in prison. The baby's name started with an S. It was shot in retaliation for him doing something while in jail. He then had a son after getting out of jail. First he tried to be normal and well-adjusted. Then he went crazy, I think, and went after the people who killed his daughter.
• I was in a yellow doctor's office. Three people had come with me, but I can't remember who besides my mother. The other two left the room and she stayed while the doctor did tests on me. I don't know what they were testing besides if they were trying to see if I was crazy or not. I overheard the doctor say something like, "It's true: if things keep going the way they are, the entire state of Rhode Island will be completely deserted." So, they were trying to find people to program and send there, or something like that. I recall thinking about real estate as soon as she said that. The tests made my body convulse and they had strapped me to the (green?) table. I was screaming. My mom was only mildly alarmed but I didn't want her to stop them. Later, I could see Kareem Sayid (yes, from Oz) in the middle of prayer over a child on a (yellow?) patient's bed/table, but on a boat, and a few doctors demanded of him (at gunpoint, no less) that test the child.
• Heidi and I were about to go to a party. I hadn't seen her in two months and things were moderately normal. It was a broken down house. The tablecloths were mostly sprayed newspaper. I started to wonder and almost asked what's going on with her (ahem) and then I just decided to leave; it wasn't worth it.
• I was pregnant and living with a boyfriend. We had a room similar to my parents' but it was in a very broken down old building, though our room was okay. I had thought I was painting it Tiffany's Blue (like I will actually paint my new apartment IRL!) but it came out once I painted it like an odd green. It seemed I had only painted the wall the head of the bed was against and right underneath it, though I debated painting the wood parts of the bed. My baby-daddy boyfriend got all upset at the fact that it was green, yelling: "My son is going to sleep in here; how the fuck are you gonna paint it green?" I tried to explain and started borderline crying.
• There was a gang truce going on between the Latinos and the Irish (can you tell that I've been really into Oz lately...?). Somebody wanted to start shit and started running around, telling the Latinos that the Irish were going to attack and somebody warned the Irish (who were, oddly enough, in the middle of a strip poker game in a basement and the only naked people were three girls about my age). I can't recall anything after that.

There were others, but I can't recall them anymore.

Some photos from most recent to least. I'll post the ones from this 4th of July weekend tomorrow.

James and I at Onondaga Lake

Sometimes the sky is extra amazing.

I'm in love with this little dress thing.

Dress - H&M, $15

Purse - H&M, $5

Hat - H&M, $5

5/8" Ebony shields (in my ears) - GT, $25

Shoes - My mother's

I took this of James when we visited LHS

Bad actors with bad habits

My biffle Manda and I on her bed

She got a new piercing! It's a lovely surface bar

from Scarab Body Arts in Syracuse, NY.

FRENCH.

Manda being beautiful.

I make delicious cake (it was a 2 layer strawberry

cake with fresh strawberries inside the cake

along with fluffy chocolate buttercream frosting,

in case you were wondering).

Toby, me, Ryan after Ichibans + N64 a few weeks ago.

Let's be honest...

...If there's anything I'm going to be fucking awesome at, it'll be being a mother.

Sure, I'm swell with makeup, I'm a decent enough writer, and I used to be able to sing, and hopefully someday I'll be a terrifying and stellar lawyer, too. But y'know, I feel happiest when I'm caring for another person taking care of other people. Regardless of whether it's biologically my own or I adopt him or her as my own, no matter; I plan on loving my kids to pieces and never forgetting every time I've ever said, "When I'm a parent, I'll never do ______" because that's some important shit to remember, generally speaking. It won't happen for at least another five years, but whatever. I'm still stoked all the same.

Also, Brian (my 25-year-old brother) just screamed at me, called me a whore, and told me he doesn't want me here (in NY) and that neither does the rest of my family, so I guess I'm peacing out asap. Unfortunate, but that's how shit crumbles, and though I dealt with this sort of bullshit for 19 years, I'm fed up and don't feel like it anymore. I need a job, anyways, and Syracuse has so far been rather barren. I desperately need to buy a car, as there is no way I'll be able to get one without saving quite a bit of money.

Most of my friends in general have cars that their parents gave them or a relative passed on to them, which is mega swell (though a lot of them seem to not realize how lucky they are?), but unfortunately, my parents play favorites and have given both my brothers great cars and we have five cars at our house (and five people), but I am the only person who is not able to borrow one of them during the school year. And yet, I am the only one who makes an effort in school, graduated high school on time, and actually tries to work whenever possible. I am totally not complaining about having to buy my own car; that would be silly. I'm merely upset that my parents are sometimes remarkably blatant with their favoritism and they always make sure it's known that they resent me for a couple o' things, one of which is going to a far away school. Sorry, but Chapmantown gave me $33,000 in financial aid and that was too good to not take? Plus, they had opera, which used to be what I wanted and now it's too late to transfer anyways. Argh. I just need to get out of this house. I felt sad from the minute I showed up.

Little Harold and I at the camp in Maine when he was very wittle in 2007

Olivia and I in like summer 2009. She is so rad. :D

Hehe.



Olivia and I around Christmas 2009 I believe :)

Today at the Memorial Day parade with Little Harold :)

Starry-eyed

O rly, random Tumblr dashboard post?

I wish that it was impossible to care about somebody unless they cared about you. Like, your mind would not physically cooperate and let you have any emotions towards another person if he or she didn't give a damn about you in the same manner. But alas, I think that just makes our minds more inclined to enjoy that person's company, or lack thereof.

I am so angry with myself for destroying so much of what I had because I had a fucking hunch that things would work out. I was so used to being mutually loved that I didn't understand how, if I started a new relationship, that somebody I loved might not love me back. I mean, why the hell would you be with a person if you didn't love them, right? Welcome to 2009 Sam's magical logic that demolished any assemblance of what I had as a life prior to things changing. Over the course of a few months, I switched from being somebody who had (1)a certain future (2)somebody who loved them unconditionally (3)everything I needed in terms of support and time and became somebody--by choice, no less--who had (1)no security for future plans (2)a sort-of-boyfriend who wasn't even sure if they wanted to be in a relationship with young-and-psychotic-Sam in the first place (3)next to no support because I was terrified that if I asked for it, I'd be seen as needy (which, of course, I am) and would be rejected for that.

So, in conclusion, ladies & gentlemen:

Do not ever destroy what is a good and certain thing for what is not a sure thing, no matter how lovely you think things may turn out. Because it probably won't. Because if you are lucky enough to have somebody that loves you, you should probably just stay put because it is doubtful that you'll find that again for a long, long time, if ever.

But I will note that I only half regret my actions, because it would be irresponsible of me not to say so. I only regret them in retrospect because right now, I'm not feeling so positive about my choices, but when they were happening, I would've told anybody who doubted me that I knew exactly what I was doing (and I think I did?) and that things would be fine.

Well, everyone's sad.

Things that have happened since I returned:

• I went running at 8:03 this morning because (1)I feel fat and (2)I can't sleep.
• My mother told me I am no longer beautiful. But that there are things I can do to make me beautiful again. She didn't understand why I was upset.
• I found the kick ass mug that I spent like 3 hours making for my mom for Christmas = holding her Sharpies in the far back on the top shelf of a random cupboard. Lovely.
• Stepped on the scale and I now weigh 135. Fucking stellar. I'm 5'7" and I was about 129/130 until finals week happened.
• The first thing my dad said when I returned, in typical fashion for my family, was "Hey Saman-...oh god, what have you done to your nose?" And then gave me a half-assed hug.
• Mohammad completely blew us off yesterday. Rad! Excuse: He simply had to see the people he sees literally every day. James was right in his predictions; for shame, Memali. "Je t'aime," my ass.
• I watched "Girl, Interrupted" for the first time in a few years and remembered why I don't watch it anymore.

I'm going to start exercising consistently again. Here's what I look like when I weigh more or less, by the way. I just hate gaining weight in my face and stomach. And I wish that when I explained my desire to lose weight, people didn't auto-assume it was inflicted on me by the media. I just don't like how I look when I am >127 or so. That is still a healthy weight, so fuck off.

There have, of course, been good things. I went to dinner with Ryan & Papa Harvey on Saturday, met up with Manda, Eddie, Kari, and James for a bonfire with blueberry beer that night, watched the Lost finale with Ry, Papa Harvey, & Jeani on Sunday, hung out on Westcott for a minute then smoked hookah at Manda's with her, Eddie, Kari, & James, and went to Friendly's with those same folks tonight. And Cinnamon + the cat have been very cuddly with me.

I am also starting my own website. My mom's great with website design, but I'm not exactly looking for a ton of reasons to be around her right now. She either cries because she's worried about me (which makes me feel terrible and guilty but I end up just hugging her and reassuring her) or discusses what's wrong with how I am (which makes me just feel terrible).

If I am the sum of my parts, then who am I? Because these shambles don't seem to be amounting to much when I look at them in their natural state, in pieces.

No body; just a cage to hold your parts

I haven't written in a while, and with somewhat good reason. It's been such a busy past two weeks, and I sort of just want to calm down for a minute. But this weekend is the second part of "Canned Ecology" which means there won't really be calm as of yet. Maybe soon. I want to go camping in the next two weeks so fucking badly.

My birthday was last Thursday and it was really, really lovely. Heidi, Eric, and I drank a bit the night before, passed out, and when I woke up, I did some stuff for "Canned Ecology" while they prohibited me from getting out of bed as they were in the kitchen. When I came out, they had made a TON of fucking bacon and literally spelled out my name in bacon as well as made a bacon weave (!!!) and a blue omelet + toast. Shit was so bomb. Best breakfast ever.

After nomming the shit out of that bacon and essentially ingesting a heart attack, I re-blued my hair while they went to the store. After that, Heidi and I baked a ton of stuff and around some nice folks came over. It was super stellar. Ate lots of sushi, cheese, pumpkin pie, strawberry cupcakes (that Heidi decorated to look like my face, hahaha), and drank a hell of a lot of wine. Delicious. Post-dinner party, Heidi and I jetted to the radio room where we did BeezyTalk while the boys did stuff outside and Olivia hung with us. Then MoD happened, Dillon and Trevor DJ'd, shit was super fun, and we went to bed shortly after because I had set at goddamned 7 am.

All in all, very productive and lovely birthday.

The night before Halloween and Halloween both went something like: "Canned Ecology" set for 12 hours, short nap, dress up, go to costume parties. I went as a cracked out lumberjack hipster or something along those lines on the 30th-- that night, though, I was absolutely not in the mindset or mood for parties. I was pissed, miserable, and felt like shit from being awake all those hours. Halloween was better though, and we went to That 70s House for their party. It was really fun, we got pretty damn drunk, but I still managed to wake up for set the next day at fucking 7 AM.

On another note, I've been feeling slightly more antisocial than usual. And if one more person responds to that statement with, "Oh yeah, everybody burns out after freshman year for a bit, I know I did!" I will fucking scream. I know what "burning out" feels like [insert Jack Black motions a la "High Fidelity"] and I know that this isn't it. Over the past few years, I've consistently cared less and less about everyone being my friend (that's not to say I won't be friends with anybody, because I will with very little exception) and don't feel like remaining friends with anybody who doesn't put in much effort into the relationship. It just doesn't seem purposeful anymore.
"But, don't you realize that networking is what you're supposed to do in college?!"
Yes, dear imaginary questioner, I know that. And network I do. I make friendly acquaintances and friendly friends, but I do not get very close to most people because it's rarely a solid idea. I'm fine with having a few people that I can speak honestly with and share the near-full truth with.

At some point, I needed to feel great about being friends with a lot of people and rarely having anonymity, but during July 2007, I went to Ogunquit, ME and walked around for hours and hours and hours one day. Nobody knew me. Everything was free, and so was I. I turned my phone off, picked up my pen, and filled almost half a notebook between sunrise and sunset. I think that that summer was the turning point. During my senior year, I purposely tried to stop friendships I knew were one-sided or ones that bored me or ones that were with people I didn't actually enjoy being around. Once I got to college, I was pretty fucking closed off, then opened, then closed again and I don't really plan on "opening" back up any time soon. And why bother? I'm happy with the way things are in that regard, and whenever I'm trying to do too much or be around too many people, I'm fucking miserable and angry. That party on Friday just made me sickened. All I wanted to do was vom on their carpet, go home, and fall asleep. All the drunk tools trying to flirt with all the drunk girls in their pathetically trashy excuses for costumes, perusing up the skirts in the back corners of the rooms like nobody can see. Fuck that. I felt sick, and I just wanted to watch some goddamned movies with 1 to 4 people whose company I enjoy and cuddle and sleep.

Anyways, a few from the last week:

Part of a balanced breakfast!

Don't stab yourself, mister, the bacon is delicious.

Heidi, some fellah friends, and I

Purdy cute for a picture that involves me, Eric, and a piece of burned pizza.

SamCakes

That pumpkin pie was fucking badass.

Jeanie Jean lighting the candles while Mister Schwartz looks on

Blowing out candles.

Too many DJs. Ohhh.

I fully support the existence of this picture.

Excessive makeup and excessive earsies.


Creepy, creepier, & HEIDI

Quailman!

Heidi and I aka Superman and Quailman (a la "Doug")

Pascal & I


Aaand "Canned Ecology" set:
Lurking behind Dobbs

The funeral scene

Walking around the doctor's office in funeral clothes and a certain fellah's shoes because my boots were goddamned uncomfortable. And we apparently have the same size feet (I have giant feet for a girl). And they were black shoes, so regardless of style, they inherently go with a black dress [/lie].

It was fucking grandiose.