This is your two-minute warning.

Last night, I went to Alex's and he, Mohammad, and I went skinny dipping in the Tully Lake. I somehow hadn't gone skinny dipping yet this summer (though I'm sure there'll be plenty on the NorCal trip in a few weeks...), and it was really lovely. I saw a shooting star, I swam in water where I can't see the bottom--which, I'll have you know, terrifies me.

Of course, I drank quite a bit of Bailey's before hand and they had lots of whiskey, so we were at least liqueured up and stoked, but it was overall really nice. We meant to wake up at like 8 am and leave, but we slept until probably 11, and then Mohammad and I got lost on the way back from Tully, but it's okay, because it was a gorgeous day. I love driving around that area; it's perfect. I dropped him off around noon, then James & I went back that way to the res, got cigarettes, ate dinner at his mom's apartment, and drove around for a while. I ended up grocery shopping later and now I'm just exhausted.

I'm on a 10-day fast right now where I eat less than 500 calories a day.

It sounds really stupid and unhealthy, but I'm not even doing to just to lose weight. It's more because I'm sick of being obsessed with eating and food, and always needing dessert and...I don't know, I just want to finally end my addiction and dependency on it. I've lost 8.5 lbs so far this summer (I started actively trying to lose weight at the very end of May). I'm 126.5 right now, I'd love to be 122 by the middle of August. But that's irrelevant; what's more important is that I'd love to just not constantly desire food and feel like eating when I'm happy/sad/anxious/bored.

Anyways,

There are some people whom I wish I had met when they were younger and more malleable. The older every gets, the more stubborn and unable to change. They never go gently into change; they are tentatively welcoming to everyone. When we're younger, when we're children, we're never like this. When we come to a new place, we need everyone we can get, uncautiously diving into whomever is around us. Flailing around, trying to grab some hands and defeat the loneliness that comes with change.

I don't know if law is what I really want to do, but I sort of don't feel like I have much of a choice considering I know how I want my life to end up somewhat and that involves having a decent amount of money. Yeah yeah, criticize my dollar-hugging attitude, but I would rather do a career I am 70% desiring of than that pays for my kids to go to college (without huge loans) and live in a beautiful place and travel with me than do a career I'm 95% in love with that makes it near-impossible for me to ever feel financially secure. I love memorization and I love arguing ("debating"). If there's anything I'm good at, it's finding a way to understand people's actions and words, and if necessary, use them to my advantage. People are silly, they say stupid things, they leave huge holes open in their words and behaviors. And if somebody's guilty, I always find out (always); if I can make a career out of that, then all the more happiness.

Also.

Dating is never perfect, but:

I was recently asked what my idea of the "perfect date" was. A perfect date is one that doesn't really exist because it doesn't feel like you're on a date; it feels like you were always supposed to be there and that you've known one another for decades already. Or maybe a perfect date is one where you're complete strangers and completely comfortable with remaining that way for as long as you both shall live. I've never dated a boy who took me on dates after we began seeing each other. Actually, that's incorrect; David used to take me on dates fairly frequently and they were always crazy/fantastic places like surprise theme parks or ghost towns in the desertt. But that is the exception; for the most part, I lean towards "unconventional dating" types, which generally are people who are entirely dating-conventional in regards to the age group they're in.

A perfect date, it regards to a person, is...

-Somebody who doesn't try to fight your demons (unless you ask them to help you); they embrace them, because they're part of you.
-Somebody who never comments on much I eat or don't eat.
-Somebody who takes my romantic efforts seriously rather than passively, somebody who remembers details. Perhaps a bit romantic, as well.
-A cheap drinker who has occasional bouts of non-cheap alcohol favoring.
-A person who doesn't usually care about how they dress but if we are to be on a date (whether it's on a lawn, on the beach, or in a restaurant), dresses slightly nicer than usual; somebody who does something to just make the other person smile.
-Talented; I can't say I've ever once been attracted to somebody who wasn't very talented. I've (somewhat unfortunately) overlooked poor qualities about a person purely because he was extremely good at what he did. Never gonna make that mistake again.
-Somebody who will play the cloud game with me.
-Somebody who holds hands in public but never grabs anything.
-Somebody who understands my baggage and drags around equally as much; maybe we'll free each other (but probably not; it's okay, though).
-Preferably somebody who is excellent at oral and isn't selfish about sex; I'm awesome and they should be, too.
-Likes to dance.
-Accepts compliments well.
-A heavy sleeper.
-A good lay. An even better cuddler.
-Not gay.*

Does romance die for you when the people that kept you romantic die from you?

*I only say "not gay" because I've dated briefly or longer-than-briefly at least four fellows who came out during or after seeing me.

Let's be honest...

...If there's anything I'm going to be fucking awesome at, it'll be being a mother.

Sure, I'm swell with makeup, I'm a decent enough writer, and I used to be able to sing, and hopefully someday I'll be a terrifying and stellar lawyer, too. But y'know, I feel happiest when I'm caring for another person taking care of other people. Regardless of whether it's biologically my own or I adopt him or her as my own, no matter; I plan on loving my kids to pieces and never forgetting every time I've ever said, "When I'm a parent, I'll never do ______" because that's some important shit to remember, generally speaking. It won't happen for at least another five years, but whatever. I'm still stoked all the same.

Also, Brian (my 25-year-old brother) just screamed at me, called me a whore, and told me he doesn't want me here (in NY) and that neither does the rest of my family, so I guess I'm peacing out asap. Unfortunate, but that's how shit crumbles, and though I dealt with this sort of bullshit for 19 years, I'm fed up and don't feel like it anymore. I need a job, anyways, and Syracuse has so far been rather barren. I desperately need to buy a car, as there is no way I'll be able to get one without saving quite a bit of money.

Most of my friends in general have cars that their parents gave them or a relative passed on to them, which is mega swell (though a lot of them seem to not realize how lucky they are?), but unfortunately, my parents play favorites and have given both my brothers great cars and we have five cars at our house (and five people), but I am the only person who is not able to borrow one of them during the school year. And yet, I am the only one who makes an effort in school, graduated high school on time, and actually tries to work whenever possible. I am totally not complaining about having to buy my own car; that would be silly. I'm merely upset that my parents are sometimes remarkably blatant with their favoritism and they always make sure it's known that they resent me for a couple o' things, one of which is going to a far away school. Sorry, but Chapmantown gave me $33,000 in financial aid and that was too good to not take? Plus, they had opera, which used to be what I wanted and now it's too late to transfer anyways. Argh. I just need to get out of this house. I felt sad from the minute I showed up.

Little Harold and I at the camp in Maine when he was very wittle in 2007

Olivia and I in like summer 2009. She is so rad. :D

Hehe.



Olivia and I around Christmas 2009 I believe :)

Today at the Memorial Day parade with Little Harold :)

Starry-eyed

O rly, random Tumblr dashboard post?

I wish that it was impossible to care about somebody unless they cared about you. Like, your mind would not physically cooperate and let you have any emotions towards another person if he or she didn't give a damn about you in the same manner. But alas, I think that just makes our minds more inclined to enjoy that person's company, or lack thereof.

I am so angry with myself for destroying so much of what I had because I had a fucking hunch that things would work out. I was so used to being mutually loved that I didn't understand how, if I started a new relationship, that somebody I loved might not love me back. I mean, why the hell would you be with a person if you didn't love them, right? Welcome to 2009 Sam's magical logic that demolished any assemblance of what I had as a life prior to things changing. Over the course of a few months, I switched from being somebody who had (1)a certain future (2)somebody who loved them unconditionally (3)everything I needed in terms of support and time and became somebody--by choice, no less--who had (1)no security for future plans (2)a sort-of-boyfriend who wasn't even sure if they wanted to be in a relationship with young-and-psychotic-Sam in the first place (3)next to no support because I was terrified that if I asked for it, I'd be seen as needy (which, of course, I am) and would be rejected for that.

So, in conclusion, ladies & gentlemen:

Do not ever destroy what is a good and certain thing for what is not a sure thing, no matter how lovely you think things may turn out. Because it probably won't. Because if you are lucky enough to have somebody that loves you, you should probably just stay put because it is doubtful that you'll find that again for a long, long time, if ever.

But I will note that I only half regret my actions, because it would be irresponsible of me not to say so. I only regret them in retrospect because right now, I'm not feeling so positive about my choices, but when they were happening, I would've told anybody who doubted me that I knew exactly what I was doing (and I think I did?) and that things would be fine.