If at first you don't succeed, run.

Judge all you want, ladies and gentlemen.

Because you never did become an astronaut.

When I'm in airports, I feel alone, and I like it most of the time. I almost instantaneously start doing different accents (usually a southern one) when wandering the airport.

Some older fellow just took a photo of me and then smiled. That's weird.

My first flight from Syracuse to Detroit, I passed out entirely. In Detroit's airport, I passed out again. On my flight from Detroit to Salt Lake City, I either slept or talked to the guy next to me who was surprisingly nice and talkative. He's moving to Sacramento. I sometimes (i.e. most of the time) wish I didn't live in Orange and instead, up in northern CA. I was jealous--though, he is moving to Sacramento and that's the Albany/Cortland sort of area of northern CA, in my opinion.

I'm now in Salt Lake City (SL,UT) and waiting for my flight to Orange, finally. Eric's picking me up, albeit reluctantly.

Nobody's at the house for the next few weeks, so I don't really know if I'm gonna want to stay there every day. Boredom sucks and I get terrified at night when nobody's home sometimes. Tommy might stay at the house for a week or so, which would alleviate my worries haha. Today, I believe I'm hanging out with Eric for a bit and then maybe Mike and Zak, depending on whether or not they end up getting back when they planned. Tomorrow's Monday, right? And then Tuesday, I have my first 5 1/2 hour class. Life is G.

Last night, I got my new tattoo with Eddie at Scarab. Then, I went to Panda's house (every time it's the last time for a while that I'll be there, I get so sad) and we hung out and watched Law & Order and talked a whole bunch. Eddie came over a little while later, we went back to my house and eventually, James and Kari ( :] ) came over. We intended on going to Weggy's really early but instead, I packed with Kari while Panda and Eddie slept and then got so tired that I needed a little nap. Panda and Eddie slept on one half of the couch and Kari and I slept on the other, and I didn't want to wake up. But eventually, I did, and the roads were so bad that I almost said "fuck it" and wanted to just pretend I had gone back to Orange but secretly stay in NY.

Tattoo:

Do you still pray about me in your quiet time?

The past two nights have been pretty damn fantastic. On Monday, I went to Blackstar/Silverado area with some folks to watch the meteor shower. Fucking gorgeous. I saw quite a few and I'd almost forgotten how amazing it is to really SEE stars and not just have to suppose that they're there. Swell times.

Last night, though, was beyond amazing. Eric asked me that morning if I would like to come to Joshua Tree with him and some folks, which was nice because usually I feel odd, and so I went with Charles at about 10ish pm and then we joined with MoreDillon's car and drove the rest of the way. Got there around 12:30/1 am and fell in love with the sky. I gasped and nearly fell over the first time I looked up. It was just plain goddamned perfect. We met up with a whole bunch of other people, drank, talked a bunch, and watched meteors. I saw maybe 20 or 25 of them, it was incredible. There were ones that crossed over one another and then two that chased each other in a sweet way. It was so beautiful.

We stayed until 5/5:30 that morning til just prior to the sun coming up, then drove back. Talked to Dillon in the car while Charles and Whitney slept in the back, ate cupcakes, freaked out over a moth being in the car, and listened to insanely feel good music thanks to Mr. Morris. Then Charles and I switched into his car and I accidentally fell asleep about ten minutes from home. The second I got back to the house around 8:45, I crawled into Heidi's bed (mine was covered in laundry and stuff I should've taken care of yesterday) and slept for a few hours, then proceeded to go to class the rest of the day.

Worth it? Definitely.

Once upon a time in the...

A lot of people. I'm kind of in the middle in betweenDillon and Nate, with Nate's giant parka thing on me.

Campfire huddling.

BEANS! (Ew.)

MoreDriving

A gorgeous photo from Dillon's phone from when the sun came up.



I always look so upset in candid photos. No clue why.

No body; just a cage to hold your parts

I haven't written in a while, and with somewhat good reason. It's been such a busy past two weeks, and I sort of just want to calm down for a minute. But this weekend is the second part of "Canned Ecology" which means there won't really be calm as of yet. Maybe soon. I want to go camping in the next two weeks so fucking badly.

My birthday was last Thursday and it was really, really lovely. Heidi, Eric, and I drank a bit the night before, passed out, and when I woke up, I did some stuff for "Canned Ecology" while they prohibited me from getting out of bed as they were in the kitchen. When I came out, they had made a TON of fucking bacon and literally spelled out my name in bacon as well as made a bacon weave (!!!) and a blue omelet + toast. Shit was so bomb. Best breakfast ever.

After nomming the shit out of that bacon and essentially ingesting a heart attack, I re-blued my hair while they went to the store. After that, Heidi and I baked a ton of stuff and around some nice folks came over. It was super stellar. Ate lots of sushi, cheese, pumpkin pie, strawberry cupcakes (that Heidi decorated to look like my face, hahaha), and drank a hell of a lot of wine. Delicious. Post-dinner party, Heidi and I jetted to the radio room where we did BeezyTalk while the boys did stuff outside and Olivia hung with us. Then MoD happened, Dillon and Trevor DJ'd, shit was super fun, and we went to bed shortly after because I had set at goddamned 7 am.

All in all, very productive and lovely birthday.

The night before Halloween and Halloween both went something like: "Canned Ecology" set for 12 hours, short nap, dress up, go to costume parties. I went as a cracked out lumberjack hipster or something along those lines on the 30th-- that night, though, I was absolutely not in the mindset or mood for parties. I was pissed, miserable, and felt like shit from being awake all those hours. Halloween was better though, and we went to That 70s House for their party. It was really fun, we got pretty damn drunk, but I still managed to wake up for set the next day at fucking 7 AM.

On another note, I've been feeling slightly more antisocial than usual. And if one more person responds to that statement with, "Oh yeah, everybody burns out after freshman year for a bit, I know I did!" I will fucking scream. I know what "burning out" feels like [insert Jack Black motions a la "High Fidelity"] and I know that this isn't it. Over the past few years, I've consistently cared less and less about everyone being my friend (that's not to say I won't be friends with anybody, because I will with very little exception) and don't feel like remaining friends with anybody who doesn't put in much effort into the relationship. It just doesn't seem purposeful anymore.
"But, don't you realize that networking is what you're supposed to do in college?!"
Yes, dear imaginary questioner, I know that. And network I do. I make friendly acquaintances and friendly friends, but I do not get very close to most people because it's rarely a solid idea. I'm fine with having a few people that I can speak honestly with and share the near-full truth with.

At some point, I needed to feel great about being friends with a lot of people and rarely having anonymity, but during July 2007, I went to Ogunquit, ME and walked around for hours and hours and hours one day. Nobody knew me. Everything was free, and so was I. I turned my phone off, picked up my pen, and filled almost half a notebook between sunrise and sunset. I think that that summer was the turning point. During my senior year, I purposely tried to stop friendships I knew were one-sided or ones that bored me or ones that were with people I didn't actually enjoy being around. Once I got to college, I was pretty fucking closed off, then opened, then closed again and I don't really plan on "opening" back up any time soon. And why bother? I'm happy with the way things are in that regard, and whenever I'm trying to do too much or be around too many people, I'm fucking miserable and angry. That party on Friday just made me sickened. All I wanted to do was vom on their carpet, go home, and fall asleep. All the drunk tools trying to flirt with all the drunk girls in their pathetically trashy excuses for costumes, perusing up the skirts in the back corners of the rooms like nobody can see. Fuck that. I felt sick, and I just wanted to watch some goddamned movies with 1 to 4 people whose company I enjoy and cuddle and sleep.

Anyways, a few from the last week:

Part of a balanced breakfast!

Don't stab yourself, mister, the bacon is delicious.

Heidi, some fellah friends, and I

Purdy cute for a picture that involves me, Eric, and a piece of burned pizza.

SamCakes

That pumpkin pie was fucking badass.

Jeanie Jean lighting the candles while Mister Schwartz looks on

Blowing out candles.

Too many DJs. Ohhh.

I fully support the existence of this picture.

Excessive makeup and excessive earsies.


Creepy, creepier, & HEIDI

Quailman!

Heidi and I aka Superman and Quailman (a la "Doug")

Pascal & I


Aaand "Canned Ecology" set:
Lurking behind Dobbs

The funeral scene

Walking around the doctor's office in funeral clothes and a certain fellah's shoes because my boots were goddamned uncomfortable. And we apparently have the same size feet (I have giant feet for a girl). And they were black shoes, so regardless of style, they inherently go with a black dress [/lie].

It was fucking grandiose.

Addiction.

I turn 20 on Thursday! I am mega-excited (not really for the twenty-year-old aspect, though that is nice) but more because I think that'll be a really fun night. :)

Some years ago, I would've asked for/bought clothes, etc. as birthdays gifts. But this year, since I started stretching my ears about a year ago now and am a mere-- well, I say "mere" though it'll take at least four more months...-- 3mm until I reach my goal size of 5/8" (I started at 4ga, I didn't just go insanely fast from 18ga to 1/2" which I'm at now). So, my mom is a super wonderful nice person and gave me a bit of money as a birthday present and told me to get myself some beautiful ones. I also have been working on sets (and have two more lined up for the next three weeks, mreow), so I made some money last weekend and decided to buy myself a few birthday presents. I got some WONDERFUL plugs and rings:

None of these photos are my own; they're from each different person who's selling them to me. :)
Frozen Fire @ Etsy's limited edition Pixy Stix dichro
I have been positively DROOLING about these for days and days, oh my god.

Lavender opal dichro
These are GORGEOUS and I'm already in love with them though I won't be able to wear them for quite a while. But they're SF and glass so as soon as I get to 5/8", I'll be able to wear them. Ughhhh, so excited.

Ebony Shields - obnoxiously large but GORGEOUS and amazing.

Simple white Kaos earskins with a 1/4" wearable
I got these not only because I'm sure I'll want to wear earskins when I get to 5/8", but also so I can wear my final item...
1/2" dark raintree wood rings!
I've wanted a pair of huge, obnoxiously large wooden rings for so long. I finally decided to get them and in 1/2" so that way I can wear them immediately. And someday, I'll wear them through earskins!




My ears are at 1/2" :) But I am so excited to really be acquiring the collection I want now for once I get to 5/8". So far, total, I believe I have/will have shortly:

• Three sets of wood plugs (solid bloodwood, wood with Ohm inlay, wooden plugs with heart cutouts in the middle)
  
• Three pairs of Kaos (white earskins, mismatched earskins, baby blue eyelets)
• Two pairs of sf glass colorfronts (amber and sky blue)
  
• Two pairs of dichro (the ones up there-- pixy stix dichro + lavender opal dichro)
• Sf steel eyelets and DF steel eyelets with lightning bolts
  
• Ebony shields
• Five pairs of acrylic glitter plugs for funsies
• Two pairs of opalite (tunnels and solids)
• Two pairs of stone (orange adventurine I thiiiink and rose quartz)
• Various other jewelry in various other sizes

BeezyTalk weeks 4 & 5 and birfday and drifting

I turn twenty in ten days (the 29th), so we're having a large-ish party at the Saloon (because they're fantastic and gracious, thank goodness) that will be a celebration of Halloween, my birthday, and Zak's birthday. I'm super goddamned excited. Heidi and I are hosting it, Dillon will hopefully be DJing, and there will be a special surprise put on by Zak, Jamie + some folks as well as another little surprise from Heidi and I. :)

Anyways, BeezyTalk on October 15th's (week 5) tracklist:

1. Mika - We Are Golden (Bob Sinclair Club Mix)
2. Bonde do Role - Gasolina (Crookers remix)
3. Beach Boys - California Girls
4. Against Me! - Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious
5. Odd Nosdam - Ligaya
6. Ratatat - Mirando
7. Trolley Snatcha - The Future
8. Cat Stevens - The Wind
9. Rusko - HipHop
10. Metric - Live It Out
11. Water Bears - Take Me Home (Dorothy)
    
12. Lykke Li - Dance Dance Dance (remix by...somebody)
13. Ron Carroll - Walking Down the Street (Bart B More remix)
14. cLOUDDEAD - Dead Dogs Two
15. Alter Ego - Fuckingham Palace (Modeselektor remix)
16. The Arcade Fire - Wake Up
17. Daft Punk - Touch It/Technologic (live)
    

And BeezyTalk on October 9th (week 4):

1. Kid Cudi + Crookers + Rusko - Day 'N Nite (kehkeh)
   
2. Boston - More Than A Feeling
3. Billie Holiday - Autumn in New York
4. A-Ha - Take On Me
5. AC Slater - Hello
6. Rusko - William H. Tonkers
7. Metric - The Twist
8. WHY? (covering The Cure) - Close to Me
9. MSTRKRFT - Heartbreaker (Laidback Luke remix)
10. 16bit - Put Ya Dirt Inside
11. Frank Sinatra - Dancing Cheek to Cheek
12. Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
13. The Widdler - Lady Dub
14. Dntel - Breakfast In Bed
15. Water Bears - Susan
16. Grandaddy - Skateboarding Saves Me Twice
17. Crookers - Thunderstruck (AC/DC remix)

I had a weird/good week. Last week sort of bummed me out, but the weekend was pretty decent. I was on set Saturday and Sunday for a grad cycle, and that was fun. Lots of really nice people. The stunt fellow was damn awesome, extremely helpful, and is hopefully going to assist me in getting some work that'll pay more than I'm getting now, which would be amazing. He was such a nice person, it's ridiculous(ly awesome). The set was in the middle of Silverado near Black Star where part of Cam's film took place. On Saturday night, I got off set early-ish, got some rose wine, and went to the Saloon party that night. Heidi and I got somewhat plastered (her more than I; vice versa from two weeks ago) and came home really exhausted and somewhat sad. We ended up sleeping in her room until she got up for set at 6am (we got back around 3am), then I moved to my room, slept til noonish, and went to set around 2:30pm. Today, classes were sort of shitty but I think that had to do more with me than them. Heidi and I sat at Chapman Coffee for a while after our Physics class, then Adam and I went and got frozen yogurt. Eric is coming in a bit, I believe. This weekend, I'm on set on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday but they'll be paying me so that's a thumbs up.

I think I'm going to nap now. I'm listening to "Ligaya" remixed by Odd Nosdam and it's making me so tired. Elipses, drift.

Speech bubbles.

It is raining, finally.

Sometimes I forget that there are things I do that most people need to be high or tripping balls to be interested in doing. I don't know why I do them, but I do. I can stare at the rainwater drip off of the head of a lamppost for twenty minutes and not get bored. I watch each water droplet dive into the street below like stories jumping out of a head and into the audience's hand. This is beautiful to me. I count everything that happens to me. I think everything has feelings and I pay attention to this closely. I associate some things with other things so heavily, I will literally see and feel the impact of that association when I word is said. For example, March is so closely associated with the color blue in my head that as soon as somebody says it, I suddenly see blue for a second. When I remember things that embarrass me or embarrassed me at the time, I will instantly go back in time to that moment and not see anything of the present day until the memory's over or I remember where I really am, and I subconsciously make ashamed faces and recoil until it's done. I don't hear sounds, I listen to them, and every time I do, I try and hear every part of it. Each sunset I see, I imprint it into my head. Sometimes, when I'm alone in the woods, I think I can hear things breathe around me.

Thank goodness nobody reads this, because I'm sure I sound like a loon.

In continuation, I am tired of people telling me it's terrible that I can't get high. It's not terrible. In fact, I'm fine with it because I love the world the way it is. I'm insulted when somebody tells me "You just need to do it to really know," but fuck, maybe you just were bored with the world. Maybe I'm just not bored. Maybe I don't take my reality for granted. I don't need to see anything; I see things from so many perspectives day-to-day as it is. Oh, so you saw colors swirling around you? I already see that. Listening to such-and-so band on acid changed your life? Music already does that, fuck needing anything else to help it. I'm not condemning drugs in any way, by the way, only condemning the belief that people need to experience them to fully live life. Sometimes, I'm so full that I know I will burst soon, and I want to be there to experience it, nowhere else. Not even the inside of my own head.

You are home.

I started this earlier, now it's later.

We all do what we need to to keep going every day, right? Heidi had a bad morning and we met at the coffee shop and talked about everything that's been right and everything that's been wrong. How the glass might be almost full but, fuck, it's still just water and it's still lukewarm and it tastes like shit. I think of everyone as a ditch. Some people are shallow ones and this is not a bad thing; in fact, it makes them easier to "fill," so to speak, and bring themselves happiness and feel complete. Then there are others that aren't, the ones that cannot be filled quickly and easily and simply. That dig themselves even deeper so there's so much space it's impossible and, even when nearly filled, ache for more.

I had a Sprite, I got her a coffee, we got teary and watched people almost have accidents at the intersection for an hour.