Citrus shoulder.

Fuck optimism. All it makes me do is knock on wood every few minutes (which is really just a clear sign of pessimism). This is unrelated to the little story I'll tell you next, which is something I didn't have much hope for.

Tonight, Ryan drove me to Westcott to get the money a certain ex-boyfriend owes me. Granted, he owes me far more than he gave me (I paid his rent one month and he think thinks that's all he owes me for - not, y'know, the Broken Social Scene concert ticket, any of the food or the massive amounts of coffee, etc...). I didn't even recognize him when I saw him. I don't think I've seen him in almost a year. He's still a 16-year-old boy in a 22-year-old boy's body. People say he'll grow up but...meh, I strongly doubt it. His family's really chill, very mature...he just got the genes that decided to remain a little too egocentric and youthful. I really didn't want to chat, but he asked me how California was and all I said was: "Warm." And I felt like I should say "How are you?" so I did, to which he began yadda-yaddaing about how he's playing some set (which nobody asked for, I'm sure; he just volunteered and then they reluctantly said "Okay..." as I've been told happens often) after the band that was playing. Read: I do not care about this person anymore. He is of no consequence to me. This was what I needed and I'd rather never talk to him again. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to ruin his life, I don't want to cause him harm. I just want him out of my life. This is hopefully the last time I see the kid that I emotionally/financially cared for as he leeched off me for the small 5-month span of us seeing each other. I've never seen tantrums like the ones he threw when I broke up with him; screaming on his porch, grabbing my feet on the floor, crying hysterically, calling every minute, talking tons of shit to anyone and everyone, chasing me down the stairs, physically not letting me leave...I'm done. What's really funny is that neither of us really cared about one another (clearly); I was lonely and he desperately needed somebody to rely on.

This really isn't me trying to be mean. This is how I see it and, sure, other people may have different opinions. But other people didn't deal with somebody freaking out and crying every time you got a call from another male or got woken up on fucking Christmas for a pretty damn unspeakable reason, and then told they could do nothing.

Speaking of which, fuck Christmas time. I used to love it but for the past three years, something terrible or depressing (or both) always happens right around then. Oh, holiday cheer. I'm going to go watch porn, write some of the screenplay I've been working on, make a box for my plugs and other jewelry, and then fall asleep around dawntime.

Also, I'm realizing I watch entirely too much late night TV now that I'm home. I just recognized the same woman from infomercials I've seen before on both a ChipMaster (something like that) infomercial and the Trojan Vibrating Touch testimonial infomercial. Fishy.