I feel ill. Not in a Swine Flu kinda way, though. More of a "Wow-dear-god-you're-a-fucking-idiot" kind of way. I feel sick and all I want to do is jump on a train. (Ahoy, dramatics!) I've felt like this on and off for years, and I'm sure too many people feel the same way. I wish there was some way to abandon the present time and go floating around the past or future. This is all I really want.
I wish I was capable of connecting anything besides thoughts anymore.
My alarm sounds but I'm immune to its loudness at this point. I always hit my "Snooze" button on my alarm more than a few times. Eventually, I wake up. I take a shower in which I typically shampoo my hair once but occasionally I'll do it twice. I always wash my face with something exfoliating and then moisturize with a light cream that has SPF 30. I put on clothes, look in the mirror, get upset, then put on more clothes and figure out which option makes me less upset. I put on my makeup, feel slightly better, and then organize my shit. I almost always forget something right before my door closes on my way out. I tap my back pockets to check for my phone and key and lighter. I leave.
I almost always feel like going to sleep for the rest of the day. I go to a class, numbly proceeding to do work. Then I eat, feel bad about eating, stop, and go to another class or go back and sleep. I almost always write throughout the day (though lately my pen's been dry and I can't come up with anything). I try not to step on lines no matter where I go. My OCD gets the best of me daily and it's something I try not to notice and more just accept as a fact of life. I hang out with people most days and enjoy that, but I often just end up wanting to go home or fall asleep where ever I may be. Dreaming is where I'd rather be.
I am not a fun person to be around, I've come to realize.
Or at least, if I was being myself all the time, I would be an extremely not fun person to be around. Maybe two or three of my friends would be okay with it because they already know what a terrible, lazy person I am, but for the most part, if I was to act like "myself," I'd basically just not want to do almost anything that had to do with more than two or three people. I hate large groups so, so much.
Close, close, close.
I feel like when people say "How will the world end?" they typically mean "When will it end for humans?" First of all, the people we are right now probably will be dead by the time that happens (not saying it's impossible that it happens sooner, but given the huge amount of time the world has been around, our 70-something lifespan is really not a big percentage and therefore unlikely to be THE time when it all goes "wrong," though we have fucked up things more than most). Secondly, humans are not the defining feature of the world. It would have almost all of the amazing things it already has even if humans had never existed. In fact...it would have more of those amazing things. Technology, discoveries...they're incredible things, absolutely. But knowledge is just the knowing of all the wonderful things that already exist and technology is merely utilizing this knowledge. Humans have made some great accomplishments; I will not argue that. But if the world ends tomorrow...who cares? We won't be able to. When people try and say "Live for today because you never know when the world will end" blahblahblah, etc., I usually can't help but think, Yeah, but even if you do quit the job you hate or kiss the person you've always wanted to...who really gives a damn? It's not like you're leaving some sort of legacy behind if the world has ended. We're obsessed with believing we matter. I'm not saying we don't, but I think individualism is one of the most fascinating things about humans because we care so much about our own situations. Blah, I'm just rambling now, per usual. I'll stop.
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